I existed in your cloud for just a moment—
you, with the raglan sleeves and
heathered grey hoodie hung
on your loose frame.
The cherry blossom aerosol
(I say cherry blossom— in truth
I do not know. It was fragrant and floral
and of mall beauty shops—
the fleeting melange of vanilla and antiseptic
and maybe even a little
like home) hovered around me,
failing like your voice did
as we passed. I have no memory of you, only
of the yellow electrician's truck that was parked by
the crack in the sidewalk your converse
almost tripped on as I thought about grabbing
your hand, existing in you a while longer.
But I walked on through sidewalk grasses
wishing perhaps that they were
pink petals instead, and
that I had turned and
followed.
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hello there, Mika here!
This poem is cool. Like really. It captures a fleeting moment of longing and desire and evokes the sense of yearning for something lost. I like it! It's beautiful! The use of sensory details, such as the fragrance of the cherry blossom aerosol and the image of the yellow electrician's truck adds depth to the scene! I was really captivated while reading! Great job there!
One improvement could be to clarify the speaker's emotions and thoughts more explicitly. While the reader can infer a sense of longing and desire, it could be helpful to have more specific language to fully capture the speaker's emotions. Additionally, the use of enjambment could be adjusted to create more coherent phrasing and pacing, as some lines feel disjointed or choppy. Otherwise, amazing poem! Byeee
Thanks for your review!
This is a beautiful poem!
The imagery is talking to me, and I can see in some of the details, insignificant or not, the feelings of a missed opportunity.
I especially love the quick mentions of color in this. The grey, the green, the yellow. Little sparks that somehow spoke to me!
I think I had some trouble reading this passage
"I have no memory of you, only
of the yellow electrician's truck that was parked by
the crack in the sidewalk your converse
almost tripped on as I thought about grabbing
your hand, existing in you a while longer."
but it was also my favorite. The regret, the casualness of the situation and yet, the one in a kind. Was it on purpose, the converse tripping on the sidewalk, as I am on the sentence?
Finally, I loved the final verse. It flowed and still lingers, somewhere inside me.
Excited to see what else you produce!
Thanks for your review! And since I'm a poetry mod, I can go ahead and delete that double comment for you; if it happens again in the future, you can let me or another poetry mod know and we can grab it for you!
Hi there!
You have written a beautiful poem here. It has a wonderful feeling, but I also detect a feeling of regret towards the end.
This moment seems magical, it's almost like you poured out your whole heart here, you described every thing in as much detail as possible.
"Wishing perhaps wishing that they were pink petals instead, and that I had turned and followed."
Love it! Keep on doing what you do!
-Rose
https://rosewriting12.blogspot.com/