Up in the cold mountains,
Resided an ancient whisper,
It echoed in solitude and—
Screamed in looming peace.
It would cling to a heart and—
Run with their heads,
Whispering in screams,
About the sunset, yonder.
What was this ancient peep?
My string of thoughts pressed,
Couldn't find a resolve in return,
Off I set on a quest for a query.
Trampled over thorns of feathers,
Lowly comfort to my horses,
Gathering my tiny dimes,
I tramp on with an eye closed.
Three days and three sunsets later,
I stand before the tall mountains,
I gawk in awe and stare and shriek,
It was indeed a treat—
A treat for undeserving eyes.
A brilliant light arose from the peaks,
Piercing my daft,
drunk eyes,
Altering the spirit in my soul,
Striking the air inside my lungs.
It infected my loud head,
Screaming familiar melodies,
Whispering songs I'd never hear,
Breaching my thoughts in twisting turns.
Imprinting a ghost of an insignia,
Snapping my heart's strings and
Flogging my crease of love,
Speaking in a tempo high—
That all beautiful things,
Come with the worst curse.
Your life was beautiful,
But your strings had snapped.
Your kin ripped it out,
Hoping you would hate,
But you poured crescending love,
While bathing in their flames.
I was put to sleep in the pastures,
Beneath the dark hills,
My quiet head put to rest,
Caressed by thunders of many voices.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This is a poem about going to the mountains and seeing something so magnificent that it’s quite terrifying.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you want to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like that this could be about reconnecting with family but also the horror of all the connection that is happening, the magnitude of it all. I like how the sun is described as beautiful but it can also be for “undeserving eyes”. It’s very dramatic.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fantastic poem about the ghost of an insignia. I’ll be sure to read some other stories from you. I enjoyed reading this and so now…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
I love this poem. All of the lines set the scene quite well, both for setting and tone. It feels like I am there when you are describing the setting and can imagine it clearly (at least for me). Also, the line "all beautiful things come with the worst curse" is so great, I will probably think of this line often now. Great job on the writing!
tnqq
I like this poem a lot. Love your writing style!
tnqq:]