He called to her through waves high and low,
Crashing against the shore below.
His heart sending a wave, a warm current,
His love alight but pent.
She peeked, shy, behind a cloud,
Her heart, her thunder, clear and loud.
Was it gain? Or the start of a little pain?
She couldn’t think straight, so she sent a bit of rain.
They'd promised to meet soon,
On the dusk of a full moon.
When it came, they whispered in soft tones,
Embracing each other in a hug that’d crush bones.
They pulled apart and looked in the eye,
Deciding never to bid goodbye.
That was the place called horizon,
Where they kissed forever till dawn.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello, there! Avi here with a review
First, I adore the imagery of the sky and the sea loving each other. Top-notch and always lovely to write and read about.
I feel like the latter part of the third stanza would flow better if it was
"When it came, they whispered in soft tones,
Embracing each other in a way that crushed bones."
My favorite lines are basically the entirety of the final stanza.
Though in that stanza to give it a better flow and also a better understanding (why must they stop kissing at dawn when the horizon is still there and they're still meeting?), I would recommend changing it to
"Hence, they made the horizon,
Where they kissed all day and night long."
All in all, this poem is very lovely and shows a lot of promise. I can't wait to read more of your work in the future!!! Keep writing!!!
reminder for myself to review this lovely piece :3
Hello, I hope you're doing well! Thanks for sharing this poem.
First off, the format is really clear, your lines are separated well, and the stanzas are clearly divided. I also noticed the aabb rhyme scheme. The 3rd line of the 2nd stanza threw in an extra bit of rhyme, which to me seemed to deviate a little from the established rhyme scheme, especially since you don't follow that pattern again anywhere else. (I'm referring to two rhymes in the same line, the instance of "gain" and "pain.")
I like the personification you used to depict the sea and the sky. The comparison of the heartbeat and thunder was clever. These are the kinds of elements that make poems like this feel more real and easy to envision. Also, I just really liked the storyline in general. The concept of the last stanza was really beautiful and brought everything to a very romantic resolution.
I'd like to leave you with a suggestion to work on rhythm and meter. There is a difference between the two, and both are important, but I have to look them up frequently to remember what the difference is and what each is defined by. So if you need to, look it up! Rhythm and meter are something I don't always get perfect either, but the more polished a writer's skill is to get these things as perfect as possible, the better the poem will flow.
Well, that's all for now. Hope you have a wonderful day, and thanks for sharing!
thanks a lot for your review
i'll make sure to check up on the rhyme here.
Hi Pirategreengirl! I'm just here to write a review for your work
First, I want to praise the storytelling aspect in this poem, as well as your other works that I have taken a peak at. There is something special about being able to set the scene, characters, and story in a "short" space that is poetry, and each of your poems draws the reader in. Not only this, but your poetry is concise and clear. There wasn't a moment where I, the reader, felt confused on what was going on. Some poetry, particularly ones that lean more towards sharing a story, can get lost when it comes to continuity or details, and I like that in this poem, it's length doesn't make the reader get lost.
The content and message of this poem is really beautiful, as it displays a reuniting of love and affection between two people in the midst of an unknown circumstance. Additionally, I feel as though the title is perfectly fit for this poem, as it reels the reader in with intrigue. Who doesn't love a forbidden love? If anything, this poem makes me want to read more of these characters and learn as to why it's forbidden and how they overcome it. A good poem does that!
Next, I want to talk about the rhyme and structure. I read this poem aloud and the flow was really great in some parts, and some parts I felt the trip of my tongue. Some lines that I felt were really strong were:
The end rhyme throughout the poem was well done, but with the last two rhymes, "horizon" and "dawn", broke it up for me because the rhyme wasn't as clear and concise as previous lines.
In a couple lines, I would tweak the wording slightly to improve flow. For example, instead of:
I would change it to this:
The 'd in "that'd" kind of interrupts the flow, so I would suggest slightly alternate phrasing to keep the image precise and the flow continuing.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem! It seems to have a knack for telling stories through poetry and creating interesting dynamics that doesn't lose the reader. Rhyme poetry can sometimes come off as cheesy or forced, but your work is well-done and beautifully written.
Thank you for sharing this and I can't wait to see more of your work. Keep writing! ♡
Thanks a lot for your review. I appreciate the time you took to delve deep into my work. Thanks for the constructive critique, I'll keep working to make my writing stronger