(this is the first time I'm posting here so am kinda nervous hope yall like it)
Mirror escapade
Tossing and turning under the cloak of dusk,
I hear the ancient grandfather clock strike midnight.
Thoughts wander and for cricket chirps they busk,
Silence upon a mantle, a delightful blight.
Up and right I get, about the dark hallways I ramble.
An atypical mirror allures me into the abyss of it's point,
Distinguishing sight it wasn't for the naked eye of man that'd amble.
I spy a kid of a shadow, a twin waving from the glass joint,
Upon a dark night, my reflection, a seductive belle,
In contrast to my fretful visage.
An addictive whisper fills the air, lingering thou art strange as hell,
Touché twin I hear myself say, which weren't even my words, as my dark twin turned a page.
Devouring the sight with my eyes, a work of art,
She smirks and glares and says you, oh shards,
Leaves me baffled as I was pulled in, Forcing me with the real world to part.
She comes out, from smirk to a smile, as I bang the glass, she kept guard.
Giving up, I slouched against a glass wall,
In a shock of despair looking at an open scar.
In that world of mine, she stood so tall,
Her pearly eyes, dreamy afar.
Ghosts of the past, running, hand in hand.
Me, glancing at the black fluid that flowed from every wall,
Filling up the reflective room, crammed.
My dark twin letting a cackle escape that makes me fall.
In a fleeting moment we get reduced to dust on the floor,
No memory of the parallel world,
I find myself tucked in my bed, behind my locked door.
Went to shore as the clock strike half past twelve, up I curled.
Dreamt of a Phoenix turning to ash,
Mixing with sand upon it fed roaches,
Up raised the fire bird in a flash,
Past me ran the night in coaches.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
SWOOSH! Greetings, lovely heart! Cupid here, armed with my bow, arrow, and a sprinkle of stardust for an enchanting reviewing adventure! Today, I'm diving into the captivating world of reviews with my very own Cupid's Sweetheart Spotlight. It's like the incredible YWS S'more Method, but with a dash of Cupid's magic! Let's get flying, shall we?
Fluttering Wings - Initial Impressions:
Heyo, and welcome to YWS!! First off, I just want to say that posting your first piece can be super nerve-wracking (trust me, I felt the exact same way when I first started XD), but you absolutely have nothing to worry about, everyone here is super nice and welcoming, and your poem?? Absolutely incredible!!
I usually don't review poetry (ironic for a poet, keke!), but I happened to see your poem in the green room and the title caught my eye! The whole idea of a "dark twin" trapped in the mirror was so creative, especially with how it lured the speaker in, only to switch places with them. It reminds me of classic horror tales, but you bring something fresh to it with your poeticism! (Question though: Was it real? Was it a nightmare? Or was the speaker now trapped forever while their reflection walks free??)
Arrow Adjustments - Loving Suggestions:
I don't have very many suggestions, just a few tweaks I noticed that could help you a little bit!
Grammar Tweaks & Clarity
Spoiler
Change “it's” to “its” (since "it's" = "it is"). Tiny fix, but it helps; grammar is important after all!!
This one tripped me up a little. Maybe something like "It wasn’t a sight meant for the naked eye of man." would make it a bit clearer!
Line Breaks & Pacing
Spoiler
Instead of
you could try breaking up the sentence! Something like:
This helps give the moment a "punchier," more dramatic feel!
One last thing:
Spoiler
left me a little confused. Did you mean time was slipping away? Maybe try adding one more tiny line to tie it back to the mirror world? That could could help with the clarity!
Cherished Verses - Cupid's Favorite Lines:
Oh my goodness?? I love this line!! The casual "strange as hell" mixed with the poetic structure makes me feel like the protagonist is half-lost in a trance, half-aware of how weird and eerie this whole situation is!
Okay, this was pure poetry. There’s something so unsettling yet beautiful about the cycle of destruction and rebirth here! :0
The visual here?? Stunning!! I love when poets use imagery to their free-will! I can practically see the elegant, smirking twin versus the unsure, frightened narrator. Such a beautiful contrast!
Final Whispers - Closing Thoughts:
Alright, hand the poetry tips over!! I'm kidding, but you absolutely killed it with this poem. For a first post, this is seriously beautiful! Your imagery, tone, and eerie storytelling all work together to create something completely stunning!!
I’m so excited to see more of your writing, and I hope you keep sharing! Welcome again to YWS! If you ever need a review, want to chat, or just want to geek out over poetry, I’m always happy to help!!
Sending you all my love in heart-shaped arrows, Cupid! 💘
@Youbeaucupid thanks a bunch for your review and constructive criticism, I found it very helpful! Thanks for your patience and time I appreciate it a lot! I'll make sure to try and apply the corrections in my upcoming works! And yeah btw I did mean tht the night was over in tht line. It's my first time not writing on paper.
Once again tnx your words encourage me to write more %u2764%uFE0F.
Glad I could help!!!
Hello there, Pirate! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the haunted S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This poem is about a mirror twin that escapes into the real world! Will the narrator be able to get her life back or will she be trapped in the mirror forever? That question remains haunting the shadows…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like how you describe the mirror having dark black walls, I’ve wondered what it would be like to be in the mirror, if it’d just be a reverse room, but this, this is creepier. I also like how you mentioned the narrator having no memory of the parallel world, I take it as them sort of accepting being trapped in the mirror.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a wonderful poem about how the mirror twin cares not about the “real world” twin and only wants to take what’s hers, how mirror twins could be lurking anywhere if we look hard enough. I’ve enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
Thanks!
You%u2019re welcome!