He was a wild fire,
With the flick of the demon’s wrist, frog-marched he was right to him,
Untamed, dark, and dire,
Felt himself being swept off his feet from the seas to the core depth, heart's loophole glim.
Pulled out by the scruff of his neck from the bed of death,
Symphony’s sighs lingering through his head, ambling from one ear to the other,
Orders barked at him to present the fireball to his highness of dread.
So off he went to venture the seas and swim in the sands, turning grim with every breath a prick, another.
Hugged by snakes and caressed by flames, all in the land of the unknown,
Dragging himself to the star, near yet so far,
His once-young face, now filled with wrinkles, tales of skies that had grown,
With the star in his left, in the known, down he sat on a ledge, his soul’s eye wrapped in mist, thoughts in a whirlwind, subpar.
Down he swooped, wind racing to the top, all in that night of the devil’s war anew,
With misty eyes as he glared at the passing moon,
Gulping the star as he landed, a scream tearing past heaven’s gates, all past the sky's hue,
Felt something tear past his skin, 'twas angel’s wings smudged with red, in a long time his golden boon.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello there, Pirate! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the gory S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This poem is a call to explore the deep and the unknown, the demons within, the secrets untold. It speaks to the soul and the heart, the mind that closes off and waits to bring out the truth.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described him swallowing the star, I take it as this poem being about a man who loved going on adventures and wouldn’t stop going on them even if it hurt him or killed him, hence the “devil’s call”. But I also felt like there was something deeper to it, something intangible, that could not be interpreted because of the many secrets that the written words held. This looks like something you’d find on yellowing parchment in a bottle at sea, tied back to a history that no one would ever be able to find.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very lovely poem on what passion may do to someone and how that person may pursue their dreams, how they’ll follow the path to something far beyond their imagination, no matter what it may take. I’ve enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
Thanks for ur review!
Hello there, Pirate! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the gory S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This poem is a call to explore the deep and the unknown, the demons within, the secrets untold. It speaks to the soul and the heart, the mind that closes off and waits to bring out the truth.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described him swallowing the star, I take it as this poem being about a man who loved going on adventures and wouldn’t stop going on them even if it hurt him or killed him, hence the “devil’s call”. But I also felt like there was something deeper to it, something intangible, that could not be interpreted because of the many secrets that the written words held. This looks like something you’d find on yellowing parchment in a bottle at sea, tied back to a history that no one would ever be able to find.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very lovely poem on what passion may do to someone and how that person may pursue their dreams, how they’ll follow the path to something far beyond their imagination, no matter what it may take. I’ve enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
Hello there! Lim here with a review.
This was an interesting piece! I interpreted the story being about a feisty sailor or adventurer who gets sent on a mission by the devil to bring him a star. However, the adventurer chooses to consume the star for himself, which turns him into an angel. I feel like there are themes of independence and rebellion in that.
Something I like about this poem is the vivid imagery. “from the seas to the core depth, heart's loophole glim” made me imagine an underwater cavern, with glimmering lights in the walls. “Pulled out by the scruff of his neck” kind of compares the adventurer to a small animal - which portrays the power/authority of the devil and presumably the devil’s followers. “wings smudged with red” is also a striking image for the ending of the poem.
Some questions I had for you as the poet are:
1) “all in that night of the devil’s war anew” -> is this meant literally or metaphorically? Is the devil meant to be waging a war in this fantasy setting? If so, it might be interesting to have more of that described in the beginning of the poem when the devil is introduced as a character.
2) “Hugged by snakes and caressed by flames, all in the land of the unknown,” -> What does the “land of the unknown” look like? I’m imagining some kind of desert or jungle environment, with the mention of “snakes”. But are the flames human-made? Or are they meant to make me think of something like a volcano or maybe something more supernatural like a fire spirit?
3) How do you see the lines being grouped together? For me, “He was a wild fire . . . “ up to “his highness of dread” feel like one stanza. I can also see there being stanza breaks and space left between at “near yet so far” and “the passing moon”. The final two lines in particular feel like they could be their own stanza. I also thought arranging the first few lines this way could be helpful for comprehension:
This way all the descriptions (bolded) of the adventurer are together, and then lines about what happens to the adventurer are together.
Another thing I like about this poem is how consistently you portrayed the adventurer. He comes across as intense and maybe resentful about being given “orders” from the beginning. And true to his description as being “untamed” and a “wild fire”, he chooses to rebel against those orders (notably not before conquering the challenge to get the star). It’s great that you managed to convey that character within a short poem!
Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece and the way you’ve presented and remixed elements of a fantasy story. Putting in a nautical theme with a devil/angel dynamic made this poem stand out, and I like the way the different images work together. The central narrative of the poem surrounding this character’s defiance is also a compelling one. My main feedback if you’re planning on revising this would be to think about the arrangement of the lines and also maybe on parts of the setting/ premise you’d like to develop within the poem.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim
Hi Lim! Thanks a lot for your review, it encourages me to write more.
Answers to your questions:
1. I meant it metaphorically, where the devil (a controlling person) is making a plan where he uses ambitious people as his puppets. I agree with you it would have been better if I'd explained it a bit more.
2. Yup, image of the land of unknown was kind of like a vast desert with faceless strangers, In my mind. Here, In this phrase "hugged by snakes and caressed by flames", I meant that the protagonist ie the man, gets advice and bare minimum of help from misleading strangers. But your interpretation is absolutely right (though a poem can have many %uD83D%uDE03). I did imagine the flames to be like kind of a fire spirited that touched the skies.
3. I grouped them as lines of 4 but I think tht got kinda messed up. Thanks for bringing that to light as breaking down of lines and grouping are a bit of a war for me.
I'll work on the corrections when I can %uD83D%uDE0A
Hi! I'm glad the review was helpful
Ah, I see! Thanks for sharing that - I hadn't read the snakes as a metaphor for people initially, but I can see how it fits there.
If you click on 'Switch to classic editor' on the bottom right of the screen when you are pasting your work into the Publishing Center, you should be able to format your poems more easily (it won't mess up your initial line groupings, whereas the default editor will).
Happy poeting!