Liar

Hello PepsiCola, this is the first poem I read from you so I wouldn't be too harsh.

You start off by telling the readers that you're talking to somebody, you have no image in your short poem. I'm sorry to say this, but I was forced to read the poem four times and still didn't understand who you were trying to talk to. There is a person who you're trying to describe, but in order for this poem to work out your readers have to understand who and what you're trying to show them. Is it a women? Man? Lover? Or just your own mind?

You go from headphones to winter to holding hands. Those do somehow fit together but this sounds more like a trivia question than an actual poem. I myself would have preferred if you made these stanzas and included an image for the readers to image first, then get into the emotions and feelings.

Getting the basic idea out of the way, lets talk about the flow. Your flow was great in the beginning of the poem but midway through I started to stutter as I read it out loud. I suggest you too read it aloud and you might understand what I'm talking about. A quick example is verses five and six took up all my breath as I read it and tried to grasp the meaning of it. Then comes verse seven to continue the idea of the fifth and sixth.

All in all, this poem didn't flow my boat, it could be just me since I normally like to understand what I'm reading about and hate to be left in the dark. I suggest a rewrite, but it's just an honest opinion. Keep writing.

Hey there, PepsiCola, June here,

While I can appreciate the length of this poem, I am left with a want for clarification, rather than what I have here. To begin, I don't think I like the use of the phrase "your sound" because it's so ambiguous and unspecific. If you want to deliver a message well in short poetry, pick your words carefully and pick strong ones that don't leave room for gaps of interpretation. I would rather have the phrase be fore specific, such as "your voice" or "your music".

To be perfectly honest, the opening of the poem did not make me want to continue reading. I would rearrange the opening to say "If I listen close enough/I can still hear/ your sound as it comes through my headphones" or something to that effect.

I would also connect the two latter half-lines with an "and" so that it doesnt' disrupt the flow of things, dearie, so, it would read something to the effect of "I remember you dearly AND/
those long winter walks we took,".

In poetry, every letter, every punctuation mark, every stylistic contributes equal force to the poem, so be strategic in what you choose, and where you place it.

Hope that helped some! Keep writing and Happy Review Day!

June

Hello pep. Jordin here to write a review for you and your epic poem (and also for my team) I hope it is of some use to your poem.

Well this seems good but first I do not know what Liar has to do with it well some of it does not make sense but upon reading through it I can see that it was well thought out and I also loved the feeling in it.

I would advise looking through it an pin pointing the mistakes maybe read some other good poems and make it go with the name better.

You spelling was good and grammar and punctuation but I think there is a plot hidden but out of my sight.

In other words "I loved it!"

Keep writing and good luck

Until later good bye.

~Jon~

See this is more about what I'm talking about (refer to my review of your poem "Invisible")

"Your sound" - this is pleasantly ambiguous (completely earnest). People often think ambiguity is a negative thing but when your trying to describe something as nebulous and complex as a person, pinpointing usually causes you to miss the forest for the trees (forgive the figure of speech, bad form I know).

"still comes through my headphones"- I'm not sure exactly what you meant here, (but again, that's a good thing). For me I can picture two kids on a walk, quietly content with each other's company. I.E. you listening to your headphones, not talking but just happy to be in someone's presence and the reassuring "sound" of the muffled crunch of snow under two pairs of boots.

"I remember you dearly" - I like this. Memories aren't accurate. Words aren't either so it makes sense that these two things mirror each other in ignoring that person might not have been so "dear"

"wanted more from me than just my body heat" - If you're saying here that the person was only interested physical benefits here, then this a pretty awesome piece of writing. Actually it is regardless. Because I took it that way.