Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

E - Everyone

This time you aren't here

by Pentavalence


This time, there isn’t a “you”

No beating hearts ‘still intertwined

Dear Reader, you know the “you”,

That perfect lover who leaves the poet behind. 




This time, Cupid’s arrow misses its mark,

And in the dead of night, no secrets are whispered

No love stains my quiet home,

And I am left uninjured. 



This time, the poems are confusing,

When they sing about sweet lovers

Somehow I can't relate

I'm just not attractive to others. 



This time, I am alone,

And my aching heart is intact,

No fingers gently press my lips,

As I wish for human contact. 



This time, I don’t need a man,

No other genders either, not today,

I’ve never dated anyone,

And yet, somehow, I’m still okay.


“You” is exaggerated anyway.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 133
Reviews: 45

Donate
Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:33 am
Pentavalence says...



Rereading this poem makes me want to throw something for some reason. Maybe it's the fact that I'm up at 4 am and everything makes me want to throw something.

I should rewrite this sometime. I don't have any time.

Do you ever reread something you've written and are like, 'shut up, past self' cause that's what I'm feeling right now.

Such Angst tm. It's kind of ironic that this was supposed to be a satire of an angsty love poem and it's still super angsty. Maybe all poetry is doomed to be angsty on some level.

I'm just really done with emotions right now. I shhoul dsleep.




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 133
Reviews: 45

Donate
Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:29 am
Pentavalence says...



Rereading this poem makes me want to throw something for some reason. Maybe it's the fact that I'm up at 4 am and everything makes me want to throw something.

I should rewrite this sometime. I don't have any time.

Do you ever reread something you've written and are like, 'shut up, past self' cause that's what I'm feeling right now.

Such Angst tm. It's kind of ironic that this was supposed to be a satire of an angsty love poem and it's still super angsty. Maybe all poetry is doomed to be angsty on some level.

I'm just really done with emotions right now. I shhoul dsleep.




User avatar


Points: 7
Reviews: 2

Donate
Fri Mar 31, 2017 2:10 am
BlackWidow says...



Okay, first of all, I can't believe more people haven't reviewed this. I absolutely loved reading this piece.

At first I thought it was about a lost love, when I read

"This time, there isn’t a 'you'
No beating hearts ‘still intertwined
Dear Reader, you know “you”,
That perfect lovely lover who left the poet behind."

Then I read on and I admit I got confused at the part where it says

"This time, the poems are confusing,
When they sing of love and labor,
The closest thing I’ve had to love--
Is cookies from the next-door-neighbor."

But in the end you made your message clear and it came out perfectly. Your emotions are very well-portrayed.
There are two points I need to make about this piece. First of all, I love how you avoided saying the words "love" or "relationship" by using the simple pronoun: "you." That was very graceful. The other thing I have to point out is how incredibly independent you sound (specifically in the end).

"'You' is exaggerated anyway."

I personally spent my adolescence constantly in & out of different relationships. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was without a (romantic) partner. Take it from me, love is not worth losing your identity over. I truly admire that rather than thinking you're undesirable, you realize relationships are overestimated.
You sound like a truly independent human being, which is a great thing.

Keep up the good work, and keep on being you.




Pentavalence says...


Thank you!! I appreciate your feedback :)



User avatar


Points: 7
Reviews: 2

Donate
Fri Mar 31, 2017 2:09 am
BlackWidow wrote a review...



Okay, first of all, I can't believe more people haven't reviewed this. I absolutely loved reading this piece.

At first I thought it was about a lost love, when I read

"This time, there isn’t a 'you'
No beating hearts ‘still intertwined
Dear Reader, you know “you”,
That perfect lovely lover who left the poet behind."

Then I read on and I admit I got confused at the part where it says

"This time, the poems are confusing,
When they sing of love and labor,
The closest thing I’ve had to love--
Is cookies from the next-door-neighbor."

But in the end you made your message clear and it came out perfectly. Your emotions are very well-portrayed.
There are two points I need to make about this piece. First of all, I love how you avoided saying the words "love" or "relationship" by using the simple pronoun: "you." That was very graceful. The other thing I have to point out is how incredibly independent you sound (specifically in the end).

"'You' is exaggerated anyway."

I personally spent my adolescence constantly in & out of different relationships. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was without a (romantic) partner. Take it from me, love is not worth losing your identity over. I truly admire that rather than thinking you're undesirable, you realize relationships are overestimated.
You sound like a truly independent human being, which is a great thing.

Keep up the good work, and keep on being you.




User avatar
75 Reviews


Points: 2162
Reviews: 75

Donate
Thu Mar 30, 2017 9:24 pm
SilverBerry wrote a review...



Hi! SilverBerry here for a review! This poem is absolutely wonderful, you have a great outlook, your tone is very clear throughout the poem, and you incorporated a consistent rhyme scheme, well done! Your poem seems to sort of turn from one mood to the next, if that makes sense, and I liked how you seemed to change point of views. You also made a very realistic and relatable poem, and though it did rhyme, it was still casual (not forced). I'll still try to help you the best I can though.

Okay, let's start with the first stanza. I think you should consider changing it to "You know THE 'you'", since you're (the way I understood it) incorporating "you" like an idea of that lover people right about, it's an important idea in your poem. Also, THE you sounds like you are referring to a type of person, while how you've written it sounds like you're referring to a specific one.

That perfect lovely lover who left the poet behind.
This line is a little wordy, especially since it's supposed to rhyme with one of the previous lines. I realise that you may have intentionally put lovely and lover together, but it sounds a little bit like you ran out of adjectives. I'd consider just taking the word out. I also think it should be "The perfect lover who LEAVES the poet behind", just to make sure you stick with that present tense (you do a good job on that however). This is also to make sure that you aren't referring to one person, but an idea or type of a person. But I do really like the way you started this poem, for this stanza really showed your point of view and you do show a little bitterness, which is good for the beginning.

I love the second stanza, and I liked your reference to cupid and other love cliches! I also like your rhyme and since the last line is short, it makes it more dramatic. I also like the way you say "No love STAINS my quiet home", it's lovely attention to detail that puts more of your own thoughts (or whoever is narrating's thoughts) more clear.

When they sing of love and labor,
The closest thing I’ve had to love--
Is cookies from the next-door-neighbor.

You repeat love many many times in this poem, which I understand since it's about love, but I think you could also use different words, especially since it's not completely affecting you with "sing of love and labor", but I do like how you use it in the other line here. Perhaps you can add more love cliches like "sing about sweet nothings" or stuff like that? Up to you. Another thing, the last line (and part of the rhyme) is too wordy here, I would consider taking out "next-door".

Maybe change it to "Occasionally, I'll long for one"? You've already said that you wish for human contact, so later saying you occasionally wish for something similar is a little weird. I like that you said your "heart burns for passion" (since it's also a way not to repeat wish) instead of heart burns FOR passion.

This time, I don't need no man"
I don't LOVE this line because of the fact that you take out your grammar. I realise what you're referring to and you're referencing the common phrase, but since the whole stanza seems like you're coming to accept that you haven't had a boyfriend or lover, I think you can just make it "This time, I don't need a man", to make it so much more powerful.

I ADORE the last two lines. They seem almost hopeful, and though it's still a little bitter, it's such a nice conclusion to the poem! I like that even though it's about love and how you (or the narrator) hasn't experienced it, you don't end it angrily and emotionally, it's powerful and you let go of some of those bitter feelings you started the poem with. You allow the readers to come on a journey with you in the poem, and I think you wrote it very well! Too deep of a review? Maybe, but I like this poem! I hope I helped and keep writing!




Pentavalence says...


Thank you for taking the time to review this! Glad you liked it! :) -Pen




Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.
— Lemony Snicket