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16+ Mature Content

And She Fell (1)

by Pentavalence


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

There once was a girl.

She was normal looking,

Kind of pretty,

But not pretty kind,

Or normal at all.

She stood at the edge of a cliff,

Teetering,

Kidnapped and dragged here by a terrible apathy.

The wind whipped her hair,

Carrying the voices of everyone she knows.

Some shout to go back,

And some push from side to side,

But some whisper,

Jump, jump.

She teetered, mostly.

But one day, today,

she listened to the voices.

They told her that the bottom was beautiful,

And she would be too.

So she jumped, today,

Awash in a river of her own blood.

Tears like speckled starlight fell

In a patterned rain,

But she fell like a rock, and in a hail of regrets.

Heavy and solid and earthbound,

Only not.

She felt herself slipping,

out of her skin, out of herself.

Leaving her earthly soul behind.

But she wasn’t there yet.

Branches jagged, like fear,

Ripped at her arms while vines,

Tangled like doubts,

Snarled her hair.

Doubt and fear can save you--

Sometimes. Not today.

Branches snapped and vines recoiled,

Leaving only that terrible, monstrous, apathy,

That she liked to call Peace-- but it wasn’t, not really.

It fell with her, smothering her, closing her eyes,

joining in the chorus of voices that still called and echoed.

The ones at the bottom were the loudest,

Because they were promises.

They never liked you. You’ll be better off here.

We’re beautiful. You will be too.

But as she fell, closer and closer to what she was promised,

Something stuck in her heart.

She clawed off Apathy’s great furry hand,

Opened her eyes, and saw.

Squirming black insects crawling in the darkness and

Spitting eels with words dripping venom and

Snarling wolves with empty eyes and pelts of dirt and

Shadows with dangerous smiles and human faces:

The things at the bottom.

They weren’t beautiful,

Irrevocably tangled together in writhing violence,

A violence born of fury and guilt and fear and sadness and pain.

And now she was about to join them,

To become them, and

Apathy was going to crush her

And the darkness was going to bite her

And together they would destroy her.

I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Breathing mixed together;

Wolves panting, Apathy sighing,

And her own shallow breaths, thudding weak in her ears.

She looked up,

The top so far away now.

Was it really not long ago,

not long ago at all,

that she was only

Teetering?


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193 Reviews

Points: 575
Reviews: 193

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Tue Jan 31, 2017 10:44 pm
herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
Let me just say, i found this work particularly well done. Your imagery was very well done, particularly in lines twenty one through thirty, which i felt expressed the emotions you're trying to describe extremely well. However, my appreciation for your skill with words in most of the poem, i do have some suggestions.
First, the format of this poem. As you probably know, the format of a poem should never be your priority, it's the contents of it that counts. However, poetry is still an art, and it does have a need to be symbolic in all its facets, including how it looks. When a poem is in an interesting shape, or one that simply looks easy to read, can be more appealing to a reader. Plus, you can help reinforce your message or provide a new layer of meaning with the spacing of your words. i suggest changing the formatting so that perhaps you have stanzas. If you need advice on how to do this in the publishing center, or have any other questions regarding formatting, feel free to ask me, and if i can't answer, i'm sure we can find someone who can!
Next, and probably more importantly since it involves your actual writing, i was a little confused towards the end of the poem. i had been taking this literally, as i assumed it was intended, and was under the impression that the character had literally jumped, or in some other way attempted to kill themself. However, the ending, where the character thinks about the time before her jump, makes it seem as though she has done something else, perhaps less serious. It is hard to imagine what this could be, given the situation that i believed was happening. Perhaps i'm simply misunderstanding your poem, but if there's any way you could add a few lines to clear that up, i would advise it.
Another thing was i didn't particularly like the role of the branches and vines or of the things at the bottom. It wasn't clear what the branches and vines represented, and i wasn't sure why they held the character back so briefly. I advise giving them either a bigger role or making it clearer what their current role is. For the things at the bottom, i was a little disappointed with their description. It's not that it wasn't thorough, it was, it's that it seemed a bit cliche. Plus, the way the character was surprised by the bottom made it seem as if they were not too intelligent, which made them a little annoying, or at least dislikable. i recommend either changing the things at the bottom of the pit to a different sort of threat, or making the main character's reaction to them a little different.
Finally, one last little grammar thing. Try to keep the tense the same throughout the poem. You start out with past tense, but at times deviate. Read through your poem again and check for any mistakes.
Anyways, sorry for the long review! If anything seemed harsh, unfounded, or in need of clarification, please feel free to talk to me about it. i like what you have here, and keep up the good work!
herbgirl




Pentavalence says...


Oh, okay! I'll clarify some things for you here and then work on making them more clear in the poem:

The cliff isn't literal, just a metaphor for suicide, but you're totally right and that isn't clear at all. As for the branches and vines, I tried to use the similies to show what they represent but that obviously didn't work. :/ They're fear and doubt. The thing about the character being surprised by the bottom is that she's been lied to, by herself and the others. She was told that suicide would be beautiful, only to try it and find out that it's not. She's a but gullible and let's be honest, it's quite a shocker. But I'll try to fix that too. Anyway. glad you liked it! Thanks!



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51 Reviews

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Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:03 pm
LadyShadows wrote a review...



Hello! LadyShadows here to review your work!
This was a great poem! It was dark, sinister, and full of lovely figurative language. The personification packed a heavy punch! I can tell you for one thing that the narrative poem did not seem too wordy at all and that the flow seemed steady. However the only thing that I can safely say that I did not like the ending. "Was it really not long ago, not long ago at all, that she was only teetering?" I feel like it was a little bit too repetitive for an ending. I feel like "not long ago at all" can be deleted. So it would go like "Was it really not long ago, that she was only teetering?" See the difference? To me it's crisp and it doesn't sound repetitive at all. Overall though the poem was nice. I loved it. I'm becoming at fan of the work I've read so far. :) Keep writing! Have a wonderful day!




Pentavalence says...


Thank you! I'll try to make a part 2 and have a more satisfying ending but this one was getting a little long, so I cut it off (hopefully) before it got boring. I also saw your review on my other work, and I agree, not a very strong piece. I sort of gave up on it halfway through.

P.S: My short stories are definitely better than my poetry if you'd like to take a look at those.

Thanks again!

-Pen



LadyShadows says...


Alright I will take a look :) Thank you for replying!



Pentavalence says...


Np :)




"What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music."
— Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher & Theologian