It's a cool day in September,
In 2011.
A beautiful bride walks down the aisle,
Her dad and step-dad beside her.
~
A man awaits her at the end,
With a smile a mile wide.
She stands across from him,
With tears that look like crystals in her eyes.
~
We have come here today to witness,
Two lovely people join together as one.
My wonderful mother,
And the father I never had.
~
Unity is a concept,
That will always be with in our lives.
For it is something we cherish,
For better or for worse.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Timmyjake here to give you my last review of the day... Oh, you should feel so honored!!
The concept of your poem is great to me. A marriage, a unity. Joining two people together, etc...
Your first stanza, the second line: It doesn't really fit the rest of the poem in length and both it and the first line doesn't reallybelong in the poem at all. The date deosnt' really add anything for the reader.
A man awaits her at the end,
With a smile a mile wide.
She stands across from him,
With tears that look like crystals in her eyes.
Kind of funny line. I would imagine that a guy getting married would have a smile a mile wide!
Your last line is really cool. It is a good ending. Unity is a concept... Love that line. For better or for worse. Adding that in there is pure genius.
A beautiful poem. Keep going!!! Timmyjake here, signing out.
Hello! I'm here to review, just as I promised!
To be honest, I had already looked at this poem and put it on my review list earlier this week without knowing it was yours! So now, without further ado, an epic, awesomeness review!
I, for one, am a sucker for romance. So when this line came along, I was all like: *sigh* it's so romantic! *sigh*.
More romanticy (yes, I made that word up!) stuff that made me sigh:
Really, this is an excellent poem. I liked the bit where you added the date, it made it more personal, more real. The last stanza has some really good life-lessons in it. I'll always remember this poem for the valuable lessons it hold!
Happy Review Day!
I would hope it seemed real, since this actually happened.
Hello, my fellow friend! Why am I here? Oh, the answer is simple, and you already know - to review!
Let's start by talking about what needs improvement:
1. Unnecessary lines.
Other than that, it's probably well done. Now focusing on specific stanzas.
Okay. 2011. Right now it's 2013. I'm confused here because this doesn't match up with -
-this
The narrator is talking about this (or writing in this case even though you aren't the protagonist) like she/he is older. If I know what I'm talking about or I'm sure of what I'm trying to think of, then... it's probably in the year 2020 or around there that this was created. ?_? Okay, I need some mental help.
Please explain why the bride is crying? In happiness? In honor? In pain? In disgrace? We need some more information coming.
Besides that, I enjoyed this rather romantic stanza.
The stanza this line is in has already been half-reviewed, so yeah, I wouldn't mind just reviewing this line by itself.
What do you mean by joining together as one? In what type of way have the joined? Even though it is obvious to more people, those who might be confused should be fed more explanations.
The way you end the poem is wonderful, however I see a question. It is related, yet I think this is a personal question. Is the first part an example of the concept of unity, or is it a deeper meaning that that? Could it mean that it also comes in friendship or sportsmanship? I'm a bit confused here. The second line doesn't apply either.
How is it always in our lives? Why?
The last two lines are lovely. They are probably the best in the poem as a whole.
In conclusion, I loved this poem. You used a lot of the potential you had, even though there were still more.
Great job! Keep writing!
~Kitty
I love this amazing piece of poetically amazing literary work. I think you should keep writing poems. You are very good at it. Although, you know that you don't have to put punctuation at the end of each line? I think that you should try to fix that next time you write. In conclusion, I love it but there are a few grammatical errors that I don't think should be there.
I wrote this the other day. It didn't take that much time.
*Shrugs*
Well, you're sure better than me.
Edit: Ignore this. The review was too short so I'm rewriting.