Hello again! And happy review day
This is another pretty good chapter. You do a nice job of keeping things moving forward and keeping things interesting. The big thing I think you do more of is showing and there are some things I think could be added in here.
I didn't mind the recap paragraph of sorts at the beginning but then you mention:
"Pretty well. Rosabella wants to kill me though. As if she didn't want to before..." Snowdonia scoffed and slung an arm around my shoulders.
"Rosabella wants to kill any girl who tries to 'steal' her boyfriend."
"But I wasn't trying to-"
This sounds interesting. We're picking up right where the other chapter left off, but I feel like I'm missing something here. If this was developed in a previous chapter then so be it, but I want to see Rosabella's anger towards this MC and I would also be interested in seeing what this MC did to spark that anger. The MC unfroze Rosabella and then what, she just stormed off in anger? I think I want to see more of how we got from chapter 6 to where we are now. And where is Rosabella now?
I stood, stretched, and told Snowdonia I was going on a walk. She told me to be careful and watch out for supernaturals (that's what she called the monsters trying to kill us) in the dark.
This conversation was going great (I liked the dialogue in this chapter, it felt authentic) and then you quit and tell us about the rest of the conversation. I'd much rather see this conversation. Even though it's nothing super enlightening, I think the conversation feels unfinished if you stop mid-way and tell us what happened during the rest of it. There isn't a ton of it left to show us.
"My name is Kyle Briggs," he said, "I was wandering in the woods and I came across you. i thought you were going to burn down the woods by the way you were holding that ball of light." He nodded towards my plasma ball and I picked it up.
"I wasn't going to burn down the forest," I said, "I would never do that." Kyle nodded again, this time towards me, and whipped his cloak around him.
"I'll see you around?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips. I nodded a yes to him and he turned around and stalked off into the forest, seeming to melt away into the trees. I just stood there in shock, wondering why my heart was beating so hard.
This ending also felt a bit unfinished and anti-climatic to me. We have the suspense of not knowing who he is and what's going on and if he's friend or foe and then there's this big confrontation and then nothing. I want more of this conversation. Who is this guy? Why does he care? What does the MC think about him? Why is he important? Why is he here? Why do we need to know about him? Give me more here. I have a feeling you're trying to keep your chapters short, which is fine, but even with short chapters you still have to develop all of the parts of your plot
I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! I think this is an intriguing little story and you're doing a lot of things really well with this so I hope you keep working on it!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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