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Young Writers Society



The Hunt: Chapter 7; Snowdonia, Queen Nerd

by NympheaLily


Later that night, I was sitting around the campfire, playing with a ball of plasma between my fingers. I had also discovered that electricity was in my range of powers, along with freezing time and traveling though space time continuum to other dimensions. At least, that's what Snowdonia said. She'd done some research on chronokinetic peculiar ability hosts and apparently, I could shape planets and mess with the past if I wanted to and some other crap. She wanted to see some of them, but I told her I was too tired. Freezing time within a twelve mile radius was exhausting. I heard footsteps approaching and Snowdonia sat down beside me.

"Hey," she said, "How are you fairing with your new powers?" I shrugged.

"Pretty well. Rosabella wants to kill me though. As if she didn't want to before..." Snowdonia scoffed and slung an arm around my shoulders.

"Rosabella wants to kill any girl who tries to 'steal' her boyfriend."

"But I wasn't trying to-"

"I know," Snowdonia interrupted, "But that's Rosabella. She is the 'light' of Sage's 'down to earth' life." She giggled at her own puns, but I stayed completely serious.

"Why can't she just get used to me?" I asked, "I didn't do anything wrong, I just wanted to talk to Sage. Why does she have to be so difficult and quick to judge?" Snowdonia shrugged.

"I dunno." I smiled and crushed the plasma between my hands. I stood, stretched, and told Snowdonia I was going on a walk. She told me to be careful and watch out for supernaturals (that's what she called the monsters trying to kill us) in the dark. I agreed and walked off into the surrounding woods. I didn't recognize the woods in the dark, and it frightened me to wonder what could be lurking in the dark. I summoned another plasma ball to light up the woods around me. Snap! I whirled around, but to find no one in the surrounding woods. The sound came again and I walked forward, trying to illuminate the woods on all sides of me.

"Who's there?" I asked, now an edge, "I know you're there." No reply. I sighed and relaxed just a bit. Only my imagination. I must be going insane... I continued to walk forward but then,out of the corner of my eye, a dark shape came hurtling towards me. I yelled, but it was too late to react. The dark shape bowled me over and pinned me towards the ground. I kicked and punched, but the figure, who appeared to be wearing a thick black cloak, still held me to the ground, unwavering in their strong stance. I looked deep into the eyes of the thing trapping me. They were a light green and gold, glimmering in the faint light of my plasma ball, now laying on the grass just a meter away. I yelled and a wave of pure force slammed into the figure, making it fly backward and hit a tree. It groaned but didn't even try to get up as I scrambled to my feet.

"Who are you?" I asked. The figure just sat, unmoving.

"I said," I cried, "WHO ARE YOU?" The figure raised its head and attempted to stand up.

"My back," it groaned, "Help me." I made my way forward, powers at the ready, and gingerly helped it up.

"Now," I said, "Who are you?" The figure looked at me and pulled back it's hood. No, not it, he. The cloaked figure was a boy, no older than me. He had fluffy blonde hair and pale skin. He was tall and muscular with sharp features and pointed ears. He kind of looked like an elf.

"My name is Kyle Briggs," he said, "I was wandering in the woods and I came across you. i thought you were going to burn down the woods by the way you were holding that ball of light." He nodded towards my plasma ball and I picked it up.

"I wasn't going to burn down the forest," I said, "I would never do that." Kyle nodded again, this time towards me, and whipped his cloak around him.

"I'll see you around?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips. I nodded a yes to him and he turned around and stalked off into the forest, seeming to melt away into the trees. I just stood there in shock, wondering why my heart was beating so hard. 


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:53 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! And happy review day :D

This is another pretty good chapter. You do a nice job of keeping things moving forward and keeping things interesting. The big thing I think you do more of is showing and there are some things I think could be added in here.

I didn't mind the recap paragraph of sorts at the beginning but then you mention:

"Pretty well. Rosabella wants to kill me though. As if she didn't want to before..." Snowdonia scoffed and slung an arm around my shoulders.

"Rosabella wants to kill any girl who tries to 'steal' her boyfriend."

"But I wasn't trying to-"

This sounds interesting. We're picking up right where the other chapter left off, but I feel like I'm missing something here. If this was developed in a previous chapter then so be it, but I want to see Rosabella's anger towards this MC and I would also be interested in seeing what this MC did to spark that anger. The MC unfroze Rosabella and then what, she just stormed off in anger? I think I want to see more of how we got from chapter 6 to where we are now. And where is Rosabella now?

I stood, stretched, and told Snowdonia I was going on a walk. She told me to be careful and watch out for supernaturals (that's what she called the monsters trying to kill us) in the dark.

This conversation was going great (I liked the dialogue in this chapter, it felt authentic) and then you quit and tell us about the rest of the conversation. I'd much rather see this conversation. Even though it's nothing super enlightening, I think the conversation feels unfinished if you stop mid-way and tell us what happened during the rest of it. There isn't a ton of it left to show us.

"My name is Kyle Briggs," he said, "I was wandering in the woods and I came across you. i thought you were going to burn down the woods by the way you were holding that ball of light." He nodded towards my plasma ball and I picked it up.

"I wasn't going to burn down the forest," I said, "I would never do that." Kyle nodded again, this time towards me, and whipped his cloak around him.

"I'll see you around?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips. I nodded a yes to him and he turned around and stalked off into the forest, seeming to melt away into the trees. I just stood there in shock, wondering why my heart was beating so hard.

This ending also felt a bit unfinished and anti-climatic to me. We have the suspense of not knowing who he is and what's going on and if he's friend or foe and then there's this big confrontation and then nothing. I want more of this conversation. Who is this guy? Why does he care? What does the MC think about him? Why is he important? Why is he here? Why do we need to know about him? Give me more here. I have a feeling you're trying to keep your chapters short, which is fine, but even with short chapters you still have to develop all of the parts of your plot :)

I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! I think this is an intriguing little story and you're doing a lot of things really well with this so I hope you keep working on it! :D




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Sun May 01, 2016 11:43 pm
Eternity wrote a review...



This review is brought to you by Eternity.

Hello, hello. Eternity here.

I really liked the concept of this piece and I liked the detail you put but perhaps a little more is never bad. I like the way you depict characters as well.

Allow me to point out descriptions I like:

I continued to walk forward but then,out of the corner of my eye, a dark shape came hurtling towards me. I yelled, but it was too late to react. The dark shape bowled me over and pinned me towards the ground. I kicked and punched, but the figure, who appeared to be wearing a thick black cloak, still held me to the ground, unwavering in their strong stance.


I looked deep into the eyes of the thing trapping me. They were a light green and gold, glimmering in the faint light of my plasma ball, now laying on the grass just a meter away. I yelled and a wave of pure force slammed into the figure, making it fly backward and hit a tree. It groaned but didn't even try to get up as I scrambled to my feet.


The figure looked at me and pulled back it's hood. No, not it, he. The cloaked figure was a boy, no older than me. He had fluffy blonde hair and pale skin. He was tall and muscular with sharp features and pointed ears. He kind of looked like an elf.


I really like these because it shows the true description of the setting and people so well done. I really do love this work so well done. Keep up the good work.

Eternity out~




NympheaLily says...


Thank you for your feedback!




Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena