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Young Writers Society



The Hunt: Chapter 6; Why can't supernatural beings come at a more convenient time?

by NympheaLily


I couldn't see anything. My eyes were blinded by some kind of white expanse of light. What is with all of the white light? I tried turning my head, but I couldn't shake off the mysterious light. I blinked rapidly several times, and the light began to fade. I could then see Rosabella and Sage, standing frozen, both mouths open in a yell. Snowdonia was in the middle of running towards me, her eyes wide with alarm. I shook my head and looked harder. Everything was frozen in time; the trees, the birds swooping, the clouds, the sun...

"Is this my peculiar ability?" I asked aloud. I walked up to Rosabella and Sage. Wow, he's even more good looking paused in time. I mentally slapped myself. 

"Don't think like that," I growled to myself, "He has a girlfriend and a life that I should leave alone." I turned my attention to Rosabella. 

"Not so tough now," I smirked. I booped her on the nose and walked off towards Snowdonia. I wonder if I can unfreeze someone, but keep the rest of time frozen... 

"You can." I jumped and whirled around to see the white woman from my dream standing at the far side of the clearing. She walked towards me slowly, but deliberately. 

"Wha-who?"

"Save your questions," the woman said, "I can only appear for a short time. Now, what you must do is put your hand on the person and say 'free'. The person or thing will come to you and break free of the time stream. To get the flow of time moving again, you must concentrate on one word; 'free'. You do not have to touch anything to get it going again." The woman started to fade.

"Wait!" I said, "Who are you? Why are you here? Why were you in my dream?" The woman disappeared altogether, leaving no evidence that she'd ever existed behind. I sat, staring at the spot where she'd appeared for about five minutes.

"Well that was extremely random," I said, "Let's see if any of what the woman said is true." I marched over to Snowdonia and touched her hand. 

"Free," I whispered. Snowdonia gave a gasping breath and doubled over. She straightened up again and took in her surroundings.

"Where the-" said Snowdonia. she turned back to me, really confused. 

"I found my power," I said. Snowdonia was silent for a few seconds and then...

"SQUEEEEEEE!" Her shriek almost burst my eardrums. 

"You have chronokinesis!" she squealed, "Oh oh ooooooohhhhh I am the proudest ever! A mental category ally! Oh, wait 'till Sage hears about this!" She looked around excitedly, saw Sage and Rosabella behind me, and ran over.

"SAGE! GUESS WHA-oof!" Snowdonia was in the midst of running over to the frozen Sage and Rosabella when, in a frenzy of excitement, she fell on her face. I stifled a giggle as she got up and kept running as if nothing had happened. 

"Sage? Wh-why is he not moving?" I stepped toward her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. 

"He's frozen in the stream of time," I said, "Once I release the flow, everything will be back to normal." Snowdonia looked at me, pride brimming in her eyes. 

"Oh yes," she said, 'Release it. I want to see it." I nodded, then concentrated on the release word; free. The surrounding area gave a hiccup like jump and then the flow of time went on as usual. Rosabella and Sage lurched and stood up straight. 

"What just happened?" asked Rosabella, her fire ball dissipating into thin air. I walked towards her and put my hands on my hips.

"What did you do?" she snarled at me. I looked her straight on and she shrunk back a bit.

"Tick tock, Rosie," I said. 


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:32 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations!

I guess I'll be explaining this the whole day long, but this is a spot-check review, which means your story will be ignored while the aspects of your writing will be emphasised. I'll read everything, but I'm only going to point out the most noticeable parts that need improvement.


I couldn't see anything. My eyes were blinded by some kind of white expanse of light. What is with all of the white light?

There isn't anything wrong with this, but it could be better. I prefer to avoid using the same nouns, verbs, etc. in close proximity, since the repetition can be bothersome to readers. My writing also tends to be long-winded if I'm not careful, so I look out for how I can be more concise. In your case, I think the entire second sentence can be omitted; the first sentence establishes she can't see anything, the second says she's being blinded by white light, and the third has her wondering why she's being blinded, again mentioning "white light" specifically. The point of the second and third sentences are to tell the reader she is being blinded by white light, but not only does that mean they are doing the same thing, but the first sentence already says she's being blinded. Do you see what I mean by being more concise?

The woman disappeared altogether, leaving behind no evidence that she'd ever existed behind.

Word order is important. "Behind" sort of works like an adverb here, but it's actually part of the verb, since it's "leave behind". As such, you want to avoid splitting the two parts of the verb, as that creates the confusion we see here. Read the sentence with "behind" moved as indicated and you should notice it reads more smoothly.


Owing to the short length of the chapter, I can't comment any further. Nevertheless, the quality of the work is decent and something of which you can be proud. Work on those finer points, and it will be even better!

~ Hunter




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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:19 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello and happy review day! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments, but it's time to get this out of the green room!

This was a fun, fast-paced chapter. One thing I really liked is that even though I'm coming in late and I have absolutely no context, I have a sense of who these characters are. Their individual personalities shine through your prose and that can be tricky to do!

A couple of small things:

I couldn't see anything. My eyes were blinded by some kind of white expanse of light. What is with all of the white light? I tried turning my head, but I couldn't shake off the mysterious light. I blinked rapidly several times, and the light began to fade.

There is so much repetition of the word "light" here and it's a bit distracting. I would also start a new paragraph after this point because you've gone from describing what she's seeing and this issue with the light to now what she sees when the light fades.

I walked up to Rosabella and Sage. Wow, he's even more good looking paused in time. I mentally slapped myself.

"Don't think like that," I growled to myself, "He has a girlfriend and a life that I should leave alone." I turned my attention to Rosabella.

"Not so tough now," I smirked. I booped her on the nose and walked off towards Snowdonia. I wonder if I can unfreeze someone, but keep the rest of time frozen...

The underlined line - I would clarify who "he" is since in the previous sentence you mention two people. I would also consider putting this in italics. This is a specific thought she's having about something she's seeing. Putting it in italics helps to distinguish the thought from the rest of the prose.
After "mentally slapped myself" I think you could include what you have in that second paragraph, but you can condense it. If you put those specific thoughts (what you have in quotes) in italics and get rid of the quotes, the reader will know that these are thoughts without you telling us.
Then do a new paragraph for what she does with Rosabella starting with "I turned my attention..." and then that final paragraph here.

"Well that was extremely random," I said, "Let's see if any of what the woman said is true." I marched over to Snowdonia and touched her hand.

Does she say that out loud? Because it feels a bit awkward to me to say that out loud without anyone else around.

One other thing you could consider adding to this chapter is more description overall. One luxury of first person is that we get an inside look at the MC's thoughts and feelings. You do a nice job showing her thoughts, but I could use more of her feelings? How does she feel after the woman in white leaves? How does she feel using her power? How does she feel when one of her friends is unfrozen? That type of thing. I'd love a bit more of her internal monologue and knowing what all is going on inside of her throughout this experience.

Overall though, nice chapter. This is an interesting idea, and I hope you continue working on it! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




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Sun May 01, 2016 8:09 pm
runandhide wrote a review...



Well this concept has me absolutely hooked. All the fun I could have with the power to freeze random people would be absolutely incredibly so kudos for the amazing concept! I loved the dynamic between all the characters, but I'm so intrigued by dream woman. If I were you my one suggestion would be to let the reader know more about her, who see is, but keep the main character ignorant for as long as possible.


I think you should also try and put in more about the place, make it real to me. Fantasy novels are hard because while concepts are cool and all, we need to believe in the setting for it to really work it's magic. Focus on the surroundings as well as he said she said, to break the story up a little bit. I want to know more about the crush as well. What's the life she should leave alone? is it just the girlfriend or something else?


TLDR- Concept is AMAZING. So so so cool. Reminds me a little of narnia but that's okay. You've made it your own I think. I think this is a good start, but you definitely have a lot to build upon to make it a really compelling read. It can't be too he said this and then she said and felt sad. It has to be emotive and strong and descriptive and powerful. But you're getting there and I can't wait to read more in the future.


Love,

Anne x




NympheaLily says...


Thank you for your input! The crush will be explained later on. I want to keep y'all in the dark about that ;)




Be the annoying goose you want to see in the world.
— Welcome to Night Vale