The Hunt: Chapter 4; Well that explains a lot...

"Others?" I asked. Sage nodded and led the way through the forest, obviously searching for something.

"Yes. My sister Snowdonia and my girlfriend Rosabella," Sage replied vaguely. I nodded, swallowing a lump in my throat. I wished for a home to go to, even a mental institute would've done. I had no friends, much less a love life. I'd hoped I could've started a new life with Sage, like in those cheesy fairy tales. I shook my head. What am I thinking, I scolded myself, Sage already has a girlfriend and a sister. I'm just a newcomer. 

We pushed our way through the foliage and came to a clearing with bark blue tents. Two girls about my age were sitting around on pillows. They sprang up when they saw us appear and one of the girls ran towards Sage and hugged him.

"Oh thank God!" she cried, "I heard that huge deceroach coming and I was so worried!" The girl had straight dirty blond hair and hazel eyes. She was taller than I was, but shorter than Sage. She gave me a poisonous look and asked;

"Who's this?" She sounded like I was a dirty piece of trash that was dragged in by a dog. Sage opened his mouth to reply, but I interrupted him. 

"Rowan Hawthorne, very glad to meet you acquaintance, now will someone tell what is going on?" Complete silence fell over the camp. Sage's face was a mask of shock and Rosabella had on a glare of such intensity, I squirmed. The other girl, most likely Snowdonia, took me by the elbow and led me off into a private spot away from Sage and Rosabella. 

"I'll tell you all you need to know," she muttered, "but not in camp. Rosabella had a very short temper and she might kill you if you say anything else."

"Why would she do that?"

"Well, for starters, she is very protective of Sage. She thinks you're trying to steal him. And if she thinks that, then she will hunt you down." She smiled, a bit forced. 

"That's ridiculous," I scoffed. Snowdonia shrugged.

'That's just Rosabella. Now, what do you want to know?"

"Everything," I said, "What's The Hunt? Why are they targeting you and me?"

"Well, let's start off with the first question. The Hunt is an ordeal that every person with idiosyncratic abilities faces. Me, for example, I can control water and ice. Sage can summon metals and gems from the earth and Rosabella controls fire, We are in the elemental category, but there are other categories as well. Like the mental category where there are molecular kinesis, telekinesis, telepathy, precognition, neurocognitive deficit, mind control, and psychometry. There is also the physical category including invisibility, flight, super strength, air mimicry, shape shifting, healing, and animal communication. Any of these people who have these abilities will become part of The Hunt when they turn seven. We don't know why, but it's just what happens. Have you ever felt like you ere being watched? Felt like you were followed?" I nodded. How does she know that?

"Well, it's because you were being Hunted. By placing you in a mental hospital or any kind of hospital, you were kept safe. This is why hospitals and urgent cares were created; to keep us with peculiar abilities safe. Whoever put you in that mental institute obviously knew your ability."

"My uncle?" I asked, incredulous. I hated him and he didn't like me any more. It was hard to think that he was trying to keep me safe. Snowdonia nodded.

"We have a couple of theories to why The Hunt happens. None of them are proven true, but it's worth thinking about." I nodded and stared off into the forest. What's my power? I wondered, What can I do? I turned away from Snowdonia. 

"Thank you for explaining." I murmured softly. 

Comments & reviews · 7
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Hiya NympheaLily! Sorry about the really long wait. I took a break from YWS for a while, but I'm back now!

~Nit-Picks~

"Why do the monsters suck up the energy force."

You forgot the question mark at the end of the sentence.

"Well I'm hungry.

You forgot to close the quotations.

~Other Bits~
I'm a bit concerned why Snowdonia and Sage and arguing with each other. They seem to be mad at each other because Snowdonia got mad at their mom and then Sage got mad at her for some reason. Is this because there's something you're not telling us that plays a part in the plot or am I just confused?
If the 'it will play a part later' thing isn't part of it, then I'll feel free to make a few suggestions for you. What you can do is have Snowdonia roll her eyes or mutter a curse or make fun of her mom behind her back. Sage could then defend their mother, to which Snowdonia snaps back with an insult and then the fighting continues.
Or not. Just a recommendation. :)

~Good Bits~
The story seems to be progressing rather nicely. I see that you've introduced a couple of characters and you're getting us to know Sage and Snowdonia. This is important so that readers can better establish a connection with them and so that you're not stalling on the same two characters for seven chapters. :P It also moves the story along so we can get to the good stuff faster.

That's it from me! My review is finished and I hope that you will not stop writing! :)
~Holographic Ladybug

Sorry I haven't reviewed this yet! I've read this and the next chapter already, but I will get around to reviewing them eventually. Hopefully I'll get to this week! :)

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NympheaLily
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Hey all you guys! Chapter five is out if you want to go check it out!

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mmbmio
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mmbmio wrote a review · Sat Jan 09, 2016 6:07 am

I really ReAlLy REALLY love your story! It's something so new and refreshing. I love Rowen and her funny commentary. You truly are a talented writer.

Now there were only 3 things that you accidentally forgot, I think.

1) " "Let me go!" I trashed wildly and a tear trickled down my cheek" - I think you meant thrashed.

2) " "Well I'm hungry. "- You forgot a quotation mark at the end.

3) " "Oh is he charming Vikram!" she exclaimed to Sage's father. He only grunted and glared me down from across the table. I directed my gaze downward. Don't show fear. Don't show fear." - Did you mean she instead of "he"?

Well now that's out of the way! I want to congratulate you on your amazing story writing skills, yet again. I'm so glad that you use this website so much!

Sincerely,
M

Well the third one it is supposed to be Sages FATHER not his mother so yes it would be a he. Thanks anyway

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NympheaLily
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Please ignore the description. That was a rough draft so yeeaah sorry. Please feel free to criticize all you want. This isn't the best chapter... :?

Hi,
I didn't read any of your other chapters. But from the first paragraph, I noticed that you used quite a number of adverbs. Take the first passage for example:

"I let Sage go and whirled to face Snowdonia. The shock of her face was priceless and I smiled inwardly. Take that Snowdonia. I walked toward her swiftly and she backed up rapidly, tripping over her own feet in the process."

I think you could remove inwardly, swiftly and rapidly. Instead of "walked towards her swiftly", use a stronger verb like dashed, sprinted, rushed, etc. This tends to compress the writing and allows the reader to follow the story more instead on the actions.

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NympheaLily
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Please ignore the description. That was a rough draft so yeeaah sorry. Please feel free to criticize all you want. This isn't the best chapter... :?



How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.
— David Foster Wallace