Heaven used to be in the clouds -- close enough to reach, far enough to watch -- so that
the Lord was never a foreign idea but a fearful closeness while I walked
through mist and fever with a soul wining to understand what could not be done.
My first ride through those clouds proved wrong:
Heaven is not that close, and never will be. We are all left with a Ruler
held in a place unknown watching from the distance only He understands.
He’d have to be miles out of reach to create such an existence
with holey clouds creating avenues for light that gives life
and tiny monsters to aide and threaten existence. What a thought.
The life I founded led me to impossible lengths
and through clouds of steel,
following the Master I came to love
and sharing the only moments I knew of.
until that life was torn because of a simple deed
my younger soul committed
sealing my future with drops of ink
the leaves are rumbling the wind rushes by
i cannot even hear the shaking breaths i cannot contain
as the future comes early marching in the mass
i do not wish to meet
even with the biting metal that lays in my hands
the only protection i have known
they come all at once and without a warning
not a single cry of menace or pride
and we are supposed to meet their silence with our own
despite our whole beings living a different life
loving a different job
as we take aim at strange images with heads held high
crawling through muck and brush damaging our bodies
until every drop of humankind is laid out
in a pool of our own sins
one that drowns my entire being.
Hollow boxes, tissue flags lead me to my Heaven in the clouds.
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140,319 Literary Works • 673,089 Reviews
Hi I also feel that this was hard to follow, but the main idea was essentially there. This could be about the afterlife, but I also feel it is about something more, though I can't put my finger on it......
I love your imagery and description methods. The only problem I see is your consistency. It almost seems as if you are going off track in your writing, maybe you could clarify?
Overall, I think it's great!!!!
Keep writing, and have a great Review day,
SpencerReidIsMyLife
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
I really think this poem has potential. I can see that you are very talented with words, but your weakness (at least in this piece) seems to be consistency. This poem was quite hard for me to follow. It seemed to switch from one thing to the next and I didn't really understand the plot or the purpose. I also do not see what "hollow boxes" and "tissue flags" have to do with heaven or clouds. This poem seemed more like a random assortment of thoughts than a well thought out poem with structure and purpose. I really don't mean to sound rude, so forgive me if it seems like I am being snide or rude. I do like the concept of this poem, but the delivery could use some work. From what I gathered, this poem is about the afterlife, but I'm not exactly sure if I'm correct in that assumption. Don't get me wrong, you have wonderful imagery, but as I said, your delivery of this piece could definitely improve. You should clarify what point you are trying to make; it will make your poem much more powerful.
That is all I have for you. You have so much potential, and you use literary devices well, you just need to practice consistency and clarification. Keep writing and have a wonderful review day!
Hey there restlessheart14 here, i really liked your piece. You had a lot of great imagery and analogies people could probably connect with. However during the work i did get confused a few times but you did a good job keeping the same theme the same throughout! Overall i really enjoyed reading this!