I baked in the sun, glared in the rain, shook in the cold --
all for the twelve of you.
Look, here I am, the new, proud owner of chalk socks to stuff in dirt filled shoes,
remembering the clouds of dust threatening to swallow me whole.
We were Kings, quickly turned to paupers
with no one left but brothers to build us up again.
Our mistake was their success.
We'd watch them feast while we scrounged for even the smallest of meals.
Our bond was their downfall.
Not ever have I been with soldiers who care as great as you.
And I'd ride again with you any day --
blare the trumpets and horns, call me from my home,
so to share one last adventure. For together we prevail.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
A lot of "like terms" and comparisons in a very compassionate manner
Although the sudden change of segment size, really interrupted the readability on my part.
as seen here,
it makes it klunky for me to read, I don't know if anyone else had this issue,
that's it for the downsides,
It's very uplifting in its own way
it kind of guides the reader through a very complex mass of emotions in a very short period of time and this is good, its relatable, it's understandable, and the very agrarian use of "commoner" similes is wonderful.
7/10
Keep at er'
Hey there AdelVise here to give a review,
This is a wonderful work of poetry, I am very impressed! The narrator is so commented to his/her friends, I love this.
In the third stanza last sentence I can't help saying it could have been worded differently.
"Not ever have I been with soldiers..."
Instead, just my opinion.
(Never have I been..)
Again it's just my opinion, I think it sounds much better this way.
Other than that it's beautiful work.
Beautiful poem..very realistic. Maybe more about the bond between the friendship. Maybe mention memories you all share together. Other than that it's really good. Love the ending:)