Darkness.
All you can see is darkness.
Every breath is strained like pulling weeds from the ground,
So deeply desired and yet so fiercely held.
You try to move forward,
Though you know not why,
But the world doesn’t like that.
It refuses you
Spinning in the opposite direction and
Throwing the air against you like a wall.
You are the knife jammed in molasses,
Too dull to break free
And in a moment,
All is still.
Breath has finally failed to reach your lungs
And you are content to lie there forever
In the silence.
Then the pulling begins.
Something has found you in serenity and
Drags you through the thick tar.
The initial momentum jerks you back,
The tug-of-war has begun.
But you lose every time because your oxygen-less body
Cannot put up much of a fight.
It’s a rush,
Like sitting up to quickly
And your brain feels numb.
Water rushes over you, clogging your nose,
Your mouth.
You are the shore,
Mercilessly beaten upon as wave after wave
Bombards you.
The water clears
And you see a light.
At first glance, it is bright
But it turns out faded, murky
Like the dank waters you emerged from
Haven’t cleared from your eyes.
You hear voices,
Muffled screams,
A word, a name.
Strange faces, white coats
A scream escapes your lips
And tears stream down your face.
Breaths come in faster than they leave,
Like a drowning swimmer pulled up
Sucks in more air than a vacuum cleaner.
Panic wells up like a volcano
Threatening to explode at any second.
The pressure in your head grows.
Something inside turns on and a thought enters your mind:
Where am I?
Like a newborn baby with no memory,
Everything appears foreign and strange.
Then, slowly,
Recognition dawns on you.
That word, your name
That face, your father.
You remember.
What do you remember?
“The last thing I remember is sitting down”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Nikachuuuu
Okay so this was pretty intense.
I got vertigo just from reading it.
We are a couple of hot messes, aren't we?
Alright, there was a "to," that needs to be a "too," and the word "oxygen-less," threw off your flow a bit.
Also I feel like this was a bit over dramatic for a poem about passing out but since I've never passed out before, I can't imagine it being any less horrible than what you describe so I'm going to reverse the previous comment and make it into a compliment.
Your ability to tame an experience with words and emotion is astounding, truly.
Ending without punctuation really left me with a feeling of loss, probably the same way you felt after waking up.
I love the ambiance of confusion and chaos and terror you create when you talk about passing out. I could feel the nausea rising in my gut, it was that good.
A little long, but amazing, seriously. This was one of your best pieces, babe.
Keep it up hun, I want to see more!
This is an awesome, just great poem, but as is progressed, and as I read, I found myself just lazily looking through the rest. I guess you could say that as it got longer, my attention kind of...pushed itself away.
It needs to be able to steal my attention, your words need to jump out, make me want to read it.
I don't mean to criticize too harshly, because you did a great job at presenting this work, and what I say shouldn't be, like, the most important thing to you, I just think that you could make this a bit more...alive? I can't think of the right word.
There were a few spelling errors, possibly only one, but other than that, great!
I loved how you flowed your words together. Most of your wording was just beautiful, and the way that it all just fit was marvelous.
You had metaphors in there, which was AWESOME, you portrayed all of them very well.
I'd say that my favorite line(s) were:
"You try to move forward,
Though you know not why,
But the world doesn’t like that.
It refuses you
Spinning in the opposite direction and
Throwing the air against you like a wall."
Even though I believe the last line could be worded a LITTLE better, it's still fabulous!
Overall, you did a spectacular job, Nikachu!
Bye bye, doll!
~Shiny
Hey there! A beautiful piece you have written there. Good Job. First , let me start with the positives as it always gives the good impressions. What I really loved was these lines-
"So deeply desired and yet so fiercely held."
"Though you know not why,"
"Like a newborn baby with no memory,
Everything appears foreign and strange."
Now the negatives, well not exactly the hard parts, just a few lines I think could have been written in a much better way to keep the flow of the poem :-
"Throwing the air against you like a wall."
"Spinning in the opposite direction and"
"Breath has finally failed to reach your lungs"
Overall, I think it is a great poem and you have done a great job. I really loved what it conveyed.
Wish to see more from you.