Hi Rinisha!
General Impressions
I actually read the story quite a number of times, both backwards and forwards, trying to put the pieces together. It’s definitely a very interesting idea. My overall impression is that the events from the girl’s perspective and the events from the boy’s perspective can’t both be true or in the same timeline/ universe? In the girl’s story, it seems that she is told by her stalker to go to this warehouse alone, and she plans to kill him there, and she does so in the end. In the boy’s story, it seems he is hiding from the girl in the warehouse and then kills her (because he thinks she’s going to kill him). It’s hard for me to see these two things happening for real in the same universe, because in the girl’s side, the boy is injured but she is not – and the opposite is true for the boy’s side. This makes me think perhaps one of them is dreaming or hallucinating that part of the story – or each story is an alternate version of what could have happened.
If I had to pick between one of them being the killer, I think I might pick the girl, because her point of view seems more detailed and grounded in ‘reality’, especially with her having a clear motivation for killing the stalker and her mentioning a friend and the police (things in the “outside world”). So I think potentially the boy is the one who is dreaming or imagining his side of the story.
Now onto some points of constructive criticism.
Characters
Since this was a very short story with a lot happening, it makes sense that we don’t know a lot about the characters (e.g. their names, ages, backgrounds, etc.). As mentioned, we also know a lot more about the girl than the boy (but that could be intentional if the difference is meant to suggest the boy’s point of view is imagined). If there is a ‘true’ interpretation of the story you intend readers to get after reading it a few times, I feel like I would need more details and indications of the characters’ history with each other to get it.
Something I thought didn’t feel so believable was both characters saying “Sorry” as they apparently strike the killing blow. “Sorry” comes across as a bit casual to me – it’s something you’d say if you bump into someone at a supermarket, and typically the person who says “sorry” isn’t feeling the intense type of emotion you’d get in a story like this. If the girl is meant to be killing her stalker, I’m also not sure if she would apologise.
I do like the idea that they both say the same thing in the killing though, since that does give the story some symmetry.
Plot
What I like about the plot is that you manage to show an increasing tension and then a big change happening, even in the short space. That makes the story interesting and satisfying to read even though it is open-ended and we’re left to interpret what happens next, as well as who actually did the killing.
Then she remembered the stalker's warning. She would die if she dared tell her parents what was going on.
Given what I understand from the story, I think it would be more believable if the stalker’s warning were at the very top of her head, as in, if she didn’t try calling the police at all. This is because I’d imagine if she were afraid of the stalker she would be eager to make sure she didn’t do something that would set them off, if that makes sense?
Style
At first she hesitated to call the police, sweat dripping from her forehead as her trembling hands dialled the police number. . . Then she remembered the stalker's warning. She would die if she dared tell her parents what was going on.
I get the idea here, which is that the stalker basically wanted her to go to the warehouse alone and not let anyone know where she was. The writing did trip me up a bit, since she specifies that the stalker threatened her saying not to call “her parents”, but she is currently thinking of calling “the police”.
I liked that you described the cold of the warehouse and the sound of the creaky floorboards. That helps establish the sense of this dark, creepy place where the events of the story happen.
The choice to use italics for one perspective and normal text for another definitely helps to show that there are two separate POVs here.
Overall
The story leaves me with a feeling of ambiguity. There’s enough there that could lead to a lot of different interpretations. Some of the questions I had besides the identity of the killer vs victim were: why does the boy kill his target if he doesn’t want to? Why was he avoiding her? I think the overall writing style, which doesn’t use much figurative language but nonetheless leaves a lot to the imagination, works for conveying a mysterious story where the reader needs to puzzle things out on their own.
My main suggestions for revision depend on whether you intend for readers to have multiple interpretations or mainly one of what happens in the plot. If multiple possible interpretations are intended, then I think a good idea for revision would be to work on the phrasing to match the mood/ emotion you want to convey (like with the comment I made on the use of “Sorry”). If you intend one interpretation to be the main one, then my comment on adding more details could be a way forward.
Let me know if you’d like more feedback on something specific – and keep writing!
-Lim
Points: 47046
Reviews: 570
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