z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Chapter 6 - Monsters of the Night

by Murphy2493


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Out in the hallway, Ethan’s hand snakes around my waist, pulling me to him. Looking up, I stare into his cold face, a sinister smirk crosses his beautiful lips.

“I’d take you right now in the hallway if I didn’t want to mess up your pretty little clothes.” He glances down at my body again. “Then again, it doesn’t really matter, does it?”

I stiffen, feeling a heavy weight in my stomach as my brain registers what he is saying. Please no. Tears start to form as a lump presses against my abdomen, seeming to grow with my fear. A whimper escapes my glossy lips. He takes a ragged breath and takes me right then and there. He does not care who might see or hear. It all happens as fast as last time, the only difference is how careful he is with my clothes and my face. Other than that, it is just as rough and painful and humiliating.

When he is done, he waits, allowing my strangled sobs to subside until I finally my body could not hold me up any longer. He catches me and pulls me into his arms effortlessly, holding me like a broken doll, and walks swiftly out the front door. He holds me with one arm and opens the passenger door to a black BMW convertible and sit me down. I close my eyes and shiver, even though it is not cold. He closes the door and gets in on the drivers’ side, sliding the key in its home and turning on the ignition. The convertible zooms along at an alarmingly fast pace, but I do not care. If we got into an accident I would welcome death with open arms. I stare out the tinted window with a blank expression on my face, trying to forget who’s sitting next to me and getting a better idea of my surroundings. I have not lost all hope just yet.

Ethan presses a button, filling the car with music. I flinch at the sudden noise, but soon recognize the Foo Fighters; something I like to listen to on occasion. Disenchanted Lullaby plays, and I mouth the words, making sure Ethan does not see. Once again, I am surprised at his choice in music. He just does not seem like the kind of guy who would listen to songs about love.

Time presses slowly, but I manage to focus on the music and scenery. I can barely see anything outside. The dark of the country gradually gives way to brighter lights as we reach the city. I sit up and watch carefully to see if it is some place I recognize. I frown as I sense something a little off about the town. It might seem bright after driving in a deserted country side, but the lights are still dim. There are no signs to indicate what town we are driving into, so once again my attempt to find out where I am is squashed. There are a lot of people walking around. None of them seem afraid of getting robbed or murdered. They walk as though the night belongs to them.

I raise a brow as Ethan pulls into a parking lot next to a tall brick building. He maneuvers into a tight parking space, turns off the motor and gets out. He quickly comes over to my door and opens it, pulling me out just as I unbuckle. My legs wobble a bit in my platforms, catching the tip of my shoe on the sidewalk. He deftly catches me, then tugs me toward the building. I notice he did not bother to lock his car.

At the front of the building there is a small crowd of young provocatively dressed people waiting to get in. They move aside as soon as they see Ethan. I watch them nervously, something in my gut tells me they are not nice people. A few people leer or stare at me as I pass by. One of them goes as far as to slap my butt. Ethan pulls me against him and spins to face the young man. The guy smirks as Ethan as Ethan narrows his eyes. He bares a pair of pointy canines and growls menacingly, causing the guy to step back in defeat. Ethan continuous on after his display of dominance. As we enter, I pass a humongous hairy guy letting people in at the door.

I look around in the dim lighting. The room is crowded, but as soon as they see Ethan they move aside. Loud rock music blares around the room, making it hard to hear anything else. Plush carpet covers the floor and the walls are a dark, dripping red.

We pass out of the room and into a slightly smaller one that is less crowded. Several low couches with fluffy cushions are scattered through the room. A small stage occupies one end of the room, and several people with dark red drinks are seated on stools at a cherry wood bar at the other end.

Ethan leads me over to the bar and sits down, leaving me to stand helplessly at his side. I scoot a little bit away from him, but he notices and wraps his arm around me, pulling me closer. I flinch. Ethan is still silent, his gaze roams around the room. A tall man wearing a long black trench coat enters the room and scurries toward the bar.

“Sorry I’m late.” He says, slightly breathless. His gaze lands on me instantly. He gives me a long look, top to bottom. “This her? Nice, man.”

Ethan shrugs. “Yeah.” He looks at me and gives me a wink before releasing my waist. “Want a drink? On me.”

The tall guy grins. “Always ready for a free drink.” He motions for the bartender, a muscular guy with a handsome but focused expression. “Youngest you got. Virgin.”

Ethan gives him a grim smile as the bartender goes into the back room. “Always such an expensive friend.”

The bartender returns after a few minutes, holding a glass full of red liquid. Ethan’s friend licks his lips as Ethan tosses a couple bills on the counter. I watch curiously as the guy takes a sip, savoring the taste. He catches my gaze.

“What’s wrong, Sweetie? Never seen anyone drink blood before?”

My eyes widen in shock and I take a step back, feeling my own blood drain from my face. What the hell is this place? Ethan gives the guy a small frown, but apparently his mind is on other things.

Once the guy finishes his repulsive drink, Ethan asks him, “So, you got the money?”

His friend looks over at me before answering, locks of bright cherry red hair falling in his extremely pale face. “Yeah. It better be good for what you’re asking, though. I had a couple complain about the price.”

Ethan smiles. “Don’t worry.”

He takes my arm in a tight grip and stands up, pulling me with him as he walks across the room. I hurry to keep up with him as he approaches a nearly concealed door next to the stage.

We enter a dark room. I blink to adjust to the change of lighting. I hear screams, moans and whimpers that pervade the place; sounds of torture and pain. I cringe, finding it hard to see anything distinct, and move closer to Ethan. He may be a jerk but at least he will protect me. At least he has since I have been here. Looking around, all I see are vague boxes against walls around me, in a long narrow room. Ethan stops, and I am aware that the noises are coming from all around me, but I cannot see anyone.

A tall, slender woman rushes up to us from the shadows, her tan skin helps blend her into the darkness. Ethan speaks in a hushed tone with the woman, managing to keep me from hearing anything he is saying. A scream comes from somewhere close grasps my attention and I no longer care about what they are talking about. Please, get me out of here!

After a few more minutes of speaking with the woman, Ethan releases my arm, only to be grabbed by the woman’s firm grasp. Her fingers are long and boney, her nails are like cat claws digging into my arm. I gawk at Ethan. Is he selling me? He trails a finger down the side of my face, then leans in and whispers into my ear.

“Do whatever she says, or I’ll have a nice little punishment for you at home. I’ll be watching, so don’t mess this up.”

I freeze where I am and stare at him with a scared and confused gaze. He appears to take this for a yes. He vanishes into the darkness with inhuman speed, leaving me with the woman.

She steps closer and leans toward me, inspecting my form. “Perfect.” She purrs, sounding like a cat. I shudder as the woman’s freezing fingers trace up me arm. “You’ll do as I say, yes? I think you won’t want to anger me. Your master is quite the temperamental one,” she says, her voice giving an eerie tone. She turns and tugs me along, her grip almost cutting off the circulation to my hand. We reach the door and the woman opens it and enters. The room is a bit brighter than the previous one making me squint.

The room is small with stark white walls and tile flooring, and a single metal table against a wall. The table has a couple of red puddles on it, which I realize with disgust is blood.

The lady releases me and steps back, turning to face me. I gasp at her unique beauty. Her dark brunette hair goes to her shoulder blades with bangs that frame her yellow cat eyes. Black pointy cat ears peak out from her hair and a black tail waves softly behind her. Her black strapless dress hugs her thin form and flows to the floor. A slit in her dress exposes her long-tanned legs and sparkling black stiletto heels adorn her feet.

She circles me slowly, her tail flicking back and forth. “You know how to dance?” She asks, stopping in front of me.

I swallow. “Yes, I mean, depends on what kind.”

The feline frowns. “Strip.” I stare at her with a blank expression. “You dance for men. That’s how you’ll dance.”

I stutter. “I don’t know how to dance like that.”

“That’s why I give you this.” She holds up a square piece of metal no bigger than my pinky nail. “Goes in your neck, you know how to dance then. Makes for good mind control.”

I start to back away from her. “In my neck? Mind control? No thanks!”

The woman flashes an evil smile, showing me pointy teeth. She pulls something from between her large breasts. It is a small needle, like the one Ethan had used on me before. I swallow. Before I can get my feet to turn and run, the woman’s hand lashes out for my arm, her steel grip reels me to her. I feel the needle the moment I look at her. I do not feel anything at first. She releases my arm and quickly leads me to the table. Suddenly my legs get wobbly and my vision blurs. I grab on to the table and, before I fall to the floor and darkness takes over, the woman directs my body onto the table.

When I wake up, I am on my stomach on the table. Cat Lady is standing at the door way apparently waiting for me to wake up. I sit up slowly, feeling tingly but for the most part normal. I feel a sharp sting in the back of my neck. I reach behind my neck and feel a small lump.

“Wait did you do to me?” I ask nervously.

Cat Lady walks towards me slowly, like a lioness spotting her prey. “I put chip in your neck. When music comes on, your body will know how to dance. Chip will not work when music stops.”

“And if I resist?” I ask, not really wanting to know the answer.

“You won’t be able to resist, dear. You won’t be able to control your body.” She gives me a wicked grin. “Besides, I don’t think you would want to disappoint your master. I think you know he means what he says.” I nod, knowing full well what she means.

Suddenly, she grabs my wrist and pulls me to my feet, dragging me to a door across the room. She opens it to reveal a very dark room with a red light coming from the ceiling. There is another door at the other end of the room and I can hear the base from the music on the other side. She closes the door behind us and continues to drag me into the room.

We stop in the middle of the room. Cat Lady quickly fixes the little hairs that got messed up while putting the chip in my neck and pushes me gently in front of the door.

She leans in from behind me, slipping something cold into my hand, and whispers in my ear. “When the girls on the other side of this door are done it will be your turn.” She leaves as quickly as she came into my life and I am left alone.

I sit on a couch that sits beside the wall between the two doors and hold up the object the woman put in my hand. It is a sharp ruby encrusted dagger. The blade is wavy and shines in the red glow. I shiver. What the hell is this for? A prop? I sit and wait to go out through the door. I hear murmuring coming from the other side but nothing distinct. Cat Lady said my little chip would kick into control when the music started. Then my body would be on autopilot. She didn’t say what the dagger is for, but I have a feeling it is not going to be nice.

The thought about stripping in front of strangers terrified me. I have no idea if it is going to be for a group of men of only a few. All I know is, apart from Ethan and my mom, no one has ever seen me naked. I walk over to the door and put my back against it, sinking to the tile floor with my head in my hands. If someone would have told me a week ago that any of this would happen, I would have laughed in their face.

Someone knocks on the door I entered in and my body instantly goes rigid. The door cracks open, letting in beams of light. Cat Lady stands outside.

“You go on in two minutes. Remember, when the music starts.”

I shiver and nod. This is not as bad as what Ethan will do if I don’t. It’s just humiliating. I get to my feet, my legs shaking and my pulse racing. I lick my lips and turn to face the door, cracking it open and peering out. My chest constricts. A whole room full of men, all of them are talking and most of them drinking those disgusting drinks as they stare at the stage. There are two girls on the stage in front of me dancing seductively with each other. I grimace at the sight of them. I spot Ethan in a deep conversation with a creepy-looking guy. The music stops, and the girls end their dance, walking off the stage and heading toward two different men who appear to be waiting for them at the edge of the crowd. My stomach hardens in a knot as I realize my fate. It’s my turn.


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935 Reviews


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Sat Feb 03, 2018 4:04 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Murphy,

Shady back for another review!

He holds me with one arm and opens the passenger door to a black BMW convertible and sit me down.


The grammar seems a bit off on this bit. Maybe "...convertible with the other, then sits me down."?

It might seem bright after driving in a deserted country side, but the lights are still dim.


I don't know why, but I really like this sentence. Just thought I'd compliment you on a very nice way of putting things. It's a good mental image.

Ethan continuous on after his display of dominance.


Minor usage issue. It should be continues not continuous.

Plush carpet covers the floor and the walls are a dark, dripping red.


What do you mean a "dripping" red? Covered in blood? I don't quite understand what you're going for here.

I hear screams, moans and whimpers that pervade the place; sounds of torture and pain. I cringe, finding it hard to see anything distinct, and move closer to Ethan. He may be a jerk but at least he will protect me. At least he has since I have been here.


This is another bit that I think you did a particularly good job in writing. It caused a bit of a shiver down my spine -- and is a great example of trauma bonding. Seems very realistic for all the awful things this poor girl has been through.

~ ~ ~

That cliff hanger. WOW. Typically I am not a fan of this genre, but you've got me really hooked with your story. You are excellent at characterization and your plot is really intriguing. Typically I can figure out where stories are going pretty quickly, but yours has kept me guessing. I never have any idea what Ethan is going to do next.

You have a few grammatical errors and typos scattered throughout the story (such as using "me" when you mean "my" and other minor things) that you might want to go through and comb out when you get to the editing stage. But overall I've got no critiques so far. Your story is excellent and I'm highly enjoying it. .

Keep Writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:11 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Murphy2493! Inky here for a review for the Red Pandas!

Be warned that I have no prior knowledge of this story, so if I mess up, I'm sorry.

“I’d take you right now in the hallway if I didn’t want to mess up your pretty little clothes.” He glances down at my body again. “Then again, it doesn’t really matter, does it?”

When I read this, my first thought was oh god. So if that's what you were going for, then good job, I guess.

He just does not seem like the kind of guy who would listen to songs about love.

I really really really hope that you're not going to try to redeem this guy and make him and your main character get together. He raped her. He's a bad guy, and even if he promises never to do it again, she should still never be in a relationship with him. Okay, rant over.

I don't really know what this story is about at all, but I'm getting nonconsensual vampire bdsm vibes. I'm not usually scandalized by things like this, but I really wasn't expecting something like this on YWS.

I think that you do an okay job of showing her fear and trauma, but I think that you could really capitalize on that. Make this the closest first person you can write. Really get us into the head of your main character.

I don't know if this belongs on YWS. https://archiveofourown.org/ or https://www.fictionpress.com/ might be better places to put this. I'm not sure about the rating system of fictionpress because I think it's changed fairly recently, but archiveofourown would probably be a good place to post this.

~Inky




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Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:46 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm here for a quick review on this Review Day.

So, this is dark, but I suppose that is the point. In terms of plot, pacing, and flow, it's all pretty solid. Your present tense was smooth and easy to read and I'm easily able to keep track of what's going on.

I also thought you did a pretty good job of showing both her trauma and her resilience. I hope if/when she escapes, you'll also show the lingering effects of what's been done to her. I also like that you don't go into too much graphic detail, but focus on her emotional state more.

I thought the mind-control chip thing was a bit convenient, just because if they exist, then why aren't they more widely used? If it gives the person skills they wouldn't normally have, there's all sorts of applications for that, even if only this underground group of vampires or whatever they are can use the magic involved. Why not use it to be able to know how to play any instrument without trying, or know martial arts, or anything like that? Why wouldn't Ethan just have one of those implanted in her in the first place, and then he could control her and not have to put up with her insolence, crying, etc?

A tall, slender woman rushes up to us from the shadows, her tan skin helps blend her into the darkness.

This is a comma splice - the two parts should be separate sentences. Anyway, I saw a couple of them, so keep an eye out.

The last thing I'll leave you with is that you'll want to be careful that these scenes of her just being used by Ethan like this won't go on for too long, that we'll have some plot movement and she'll start to get to the bottom of how all this works. Just because otherwise, it'll seem like you're writing erotica rather than horror.

And I'll leave it at that! Good luck, and keep writing!





I AM NOT GOING "FULL COW" ON SOMEBODYYYYYY
— whatchamacallit