Huh? Oh, my name is Oliver, and you must be?
....
I heard some of your conversations with our neighbors. Somehow, it seems like your topic is about the events that took place when we were kids. Are you here to ask about my brother and the imaginary friend he had years ago? Well, I'm not even sure how to say this, but I always felt like there was something very strange about him during those times. For instance, he was doing his homework and made an essay that was too long for someone his age to write. Surprisingly enough, it didn't have any spelling or grammatical errors in them.
I could say that he was really good. A prodigy, maybe? Err......that was until one time when I stayed awake very late at night, probably past twelve. My brother was fast asleep. I went down to the kitchen to drink some water, and when I went back up, I saw him rewriting his homework. I didn't remember any noise that could wake him up, so I slowly walked towards him, and asked,
"What are you doing?"
There was no answer. I looked at his eyes. They were lifeless. I couldn't tell what expression he had; it seemed blank. I didn't really mind them at the time because we were just kids.
When we woke up in the morning, he was energetic, but it looked like he had no idea what happened a couple of hours ago. We packed up to go to school, and went our way through a broken fence that leads to the forest; the reason why we used that route was because some kids would come up to scare or harass us, and they taunted us if we'd ever tell an adult about it. The routine stemmed from the fact that we don't want to look like wusses.
Class started, then it ended. It was time for us to go home. I walked and went to Wilson's classroom. I was told that he wasn't there. I looked for him around school, and then the forest; he was probably there. Then I realized it was getting dark and I can't go further. I went home. Obviously, as Willy wasn't with me, I got questioned as to where he is.
"Oliver! Why did you come home this late at night? Where is your brother?" Mom exclaimed with a worried expression on her face.
"I-I don't know M-mom. I went l-looking for him. That's why I'm late." I could feel myself tearing up, because I thought that it would get me into trouble.
She hugged me, and I could hear her sobbing.
"Don't you ever make us worry like this." She straightened up and wiped her eyes while she cried as she walked towards the kitchen.
I could tell that she told Dad about it. I wasn't able to pick up the conversation and went to our room.
End of chapter
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
...Now I find the first part.
Hello, Ripple here. I didn't realize that the first part was still in the green room, so I've already read the second part. I still haven't read any of the other chapters, though, so I'm still not entirely sure what's going on. Bear with me.
Seriously? Out of all the things you could be suspicious of, you take note of his scholarly excellence? I'm not quite sure that this is just part of his character, but it's more of a plot hole than a writing error.
I really like the casual tone you use throughout, but occasionally some more formal word choice breaks the flow, ex. "stemmed from"
I feel like using both "wiped her eyes" and "she cried" is a bit redundant. Both tell the reader that the mom has been crying. Try to simplify that sentence.
This is one of the more interesting works that I've read, and I think that I might go and read the rest. Keep writing!
Hi MicrohieraxFT! Mage here to do the promised review!
Uh-oh. Willy's missing...Who says he'll be alive when found? Okay, that was a surprisingly morbid thought. Let's get to the review, shall we? We need to think of something a bit more cheerful!
"Is" should be "was".
Usually the phrase is "for instance".
The "in them either" isn't needed.
There's several problems with this. The first is "he's" should be "he was". Also, "a prodigy maybe" should be its own sentence, and there should be a comma between "prodigy" and "maybe".
"Passed" should be "past".
There should be a comma after "morning".
This sentence is a run-on sentence. My suggestion would be "he was probably there. Then I realized it was getting dark and I couldn't go further. I went home." but you can choose how you want to rewrite that.
This sentence comes off as choppy. I would suggest adding "as" before "Willy" and after the comma. Also, "is" should be "was".
This sentence comes off weird. Also, a period should take the place of the comma. Finally, the last sentence is a run-on sentence.
Just because I had all of this constructive criticism, it doesn't mean I don't like this story. I love it, and I'm very excited to find out what happens next. Also, hi Oliver! Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thanks.
I have to admit that those were quite hard to spot by my standards. I fixed some of them before I uploaded it. I know that my grammar ain't flawless though. That's why I ask for reviews.