Huh, you came back. I guess we hadn't finished our conversation yesterday. We ended at the part my brother got lost, right? Then let's continue.
During those times, Mom and Dad brought me to school then went to the police the day after what happened. I was doing schoolwork, of course. This was not an ordinary day though. I was feeling rather guilty for loosing Willy, so, when lunch came, I went to the playground. I had gone to an area there that wasn't the place where most kids would gather, but rather a place that not a lot of them would go. This is where we entered the school; it was the end of the route we use. It had a few trees, but a lot of tall grass grew there and the vines were all over the broken fence.
I stepped out, making sure that no one followed me, and walked forward towards the forest. I was looking at the ground, for most of the part, and didn't keep track of time. When I looked up, it was already sunset. I had to decide whether to move on or go back. Then our parents came to my head. It was better to go back; I didn't need to make them worry much more. I turned around and went home.
On my way, I kinda did regret going there at the time. I already saw the maze while walking, which meant that I had reached the places that were rumored to be haunted. The ambiance was creepy and I could hear some noises. I always suspected that something was behind me, so I kept turning around to make sure. Then I got conflicted again. I mean, what if Willy got here? What could have happened to him?! Looking forward, looking back it was confusing.
I closed my eyes and walked at the first direction I stepped on. Sure thing; it was hard. I had to use my hands and almost tripped. I was touching large rocks, hugged trees, and all those things in the hopes of not falling.
"Hey! What are you doing here all alone? Don't you have any parents, or a family that should be looking after you?"
"Huh?" I opened my eyes to see who said that. It was Mr. Hunter. I wasn't not sure how to react since, his son, Bruce likes to pick on us and the other kids.
"M-mister Hunter?" I got scared. I had always thought of him as a hard man.
"I was just hunting here. Seeing a deer, I tried to shoot it but you came and scared it off! Luckily, I didn't pull the trigger yet or you would be dead!"
I stood there quietly for a while. Then he grabbed me by the wrist and went to town. When we reached our house, he knocked on the door loudly. I could hear Mom coming down. She answered the door. She hugged me and was tearful.
"Where have you been?! Are you trying to get lost like your brother?!"
"I was trying to find him, Mom." I became slighty teary-eyed saying that.
"We asked for help from the police. Don't put yourself to danger and stay here. Let the grown ups do the job. Okay?"
I could hear Mr. Hunter complaining and stuff, but she was apparently ignoring his rants. He just scratched his head in annoyance and left. After that, we were inside the house and I went to our room. I could see our things, both mine and Willy's, so you can say that the school brought them here after we left without them. Yes, that means my brother didn't bring his bag with him.
I went closer to them and opened each. Then I saw some scribbles and notes. These weren't odd. Wilson has always loved Puff the Magic Dragon, so no surprise in those dragon doodles. The notes only had some songs and rhymes in it and I didn't put much thought on them. However, come to think of it now, one of them was creepy.
I'm gonna go to find the old papers that our parents saved. Now, just stay here and sit for a while. I might find the said notes there.
...
...
Okay. Here it is.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Follow me child
Into the forest
To the path like a maze
Where you have caught my gaze
With your eyes full of haze....
I will show to you things that no one have seen
So, keep your eyes open and your senses keen....
Let us venture that cave
Where no man goes in, not even the brave...
...I hope you've no fear...
Of a place dark and drear...
For you are destined to stay
And you can't run away...
You have made it a choice
To listen to a demon's voice
Now you have met your fate, it's already too late
To escape from hell's gate.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I wasn't sure if he really did write that or if someone snuck it in his backpack. When I was done looking and reading them. I went down and saw my parents talking on the phone. I decided not to disturb them. I went back upstairs.
A week passed. We were having breakfast. Dad was reading the newspaper. Someone suddenly knocked on the door. Mom ran and had a conversation with someone, which I wasn't paying much attention to. She then came back.
"Look who's here?" She told us with a smile.
Dad and I looked. There standing with her is Wilson.
"Willy!" Both of us exclaimed with excitement as we ran towards him.
"I miss you little man!" Dad said as he took my brother with his arms.
"Where did you go?" I asked Willy.
"An adventure!" He said with wide eyes.
His demeanor is still cheerful, as usual. You could say that nothing bad or dangerous happened to him.
Wait...you thought he was dead? Uh...sorry if that scared you. I didn't mean to. He's fine now, just living in a different town. What was going on then, I didn't know. All I can tell you was he had gone missing for a week.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Hi MicrohieraxFT! Mage here to do the long overdue promised review!
So let's get straight to it, shall we?
The biggest grammatical error I noticed was with tenses. There's one exception to this with the errors I'll mention, so I'll start with that one.
[quote]I mean, what if Willy got here?[quote]
"Got" sounds awkward in this sentence. I would suggest replacing it with "had been"
here instead.
[quote]Wilson has always loved Puff the Magic Dragon, so no surprise in those dragon doodles.[quote]
You use present tense here. Also, the narrator for this part has always called him Willy. Suddenly seeing Wilson is a little jarring. I would suggest changing Wilson to Willy.
[quote]I'm gonna go to find the old papers that our parents saved. Now, just stay here and sit for a while. I might find the said notes there.[quote]
Once again, you slipped into present tense. The beginning also comes off as awkwardly written, and "said" isn't needed in the third sentence.
[quote]Okay. Here it is.[quote]
This is in present tense.
Now with all the grammatical issues out of the way, here's some of my reactions and what I liked.
[quote]He's fine now, just living in a different town.[quote]
I had not expected that plot twist. Like your narrator said, I thought he had died. Hopefully, future chapters will reveal what happened when he went on his adventure.
I also love your writing voice. It brings the story life, and keeps me invested in reading it.
Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Ripple here! I haven't read the first part, but my initial thought reading this was just, wow. A very unique piece.
The half first person, half second person PoV was definitely jarring. It's not commonly used since it often feels awkward, but it makes your work stand out.
I think a lot of this is really well written and in character, aside from the sentence "This was not an ordinary day though." It seemed rather abrupt and unnatural-sounding.
This paragraph, on the other hand, felt rather awkwardly worded. One of the main phrases that stuck out was "the places that were rumored to be haunted." "places" seems rather vague, and yet these "places" are specifically rumored to be haunted. Be more specific as to what kind of place it is.
I don't get exactly why he grabbed the protagonist by the wrist. He didn't seem particularly agitated by his presence, so why bring him home in such a violent manner?
The mom's reply seems off-character. I would imagine that she would be more concerned about his safety than letting the grown-ups do the job.
Also, I think it should be "Don't put yourself in danger; stay here."
While I like that it feels like a real-time conversation, using the phrase "said notes" seems very formal, and doesn't fit with how casual the conversation is.
Switching back to past tense here feels odd. Continue with the present tense until you get to a part that has to be said in the past tense.
This seems oddly positive, as the whole of this chapter is ominous and foreboding. It feels rather deflated at the end, to be honest, and I don't think it has the right release of tension that you likely intended. Try reworking it so that it still says, "Oh, he's fine," while still keeping some indication of that conflict.