Despite being married and having kids of his own, Oliver lived in the same house he and his brother knew as children. With his mother dead and father being in a sickly condition, he simply couldn't leave. His usual routine would be to take care of the things inside, except when it would be his shift at work. Then his two older children, William and Cassandra, would take responsibility. Life went on like this for him.
Oliver woke up from his bed and looked at his side. His wife, Vanessa, was still asleep. He sat up and bent his head, thinking about a conversation he had with a stranger the day before. He then quitely went up into the attic.
He swept off the dust and wiped the window. While arranging the old, sentimental things, he found a notebook. It was black with a thick, leather cover, it has an estimate of two-hundred fifty pages, and was all dusty. He blew off the dust and rubbed it with his wrist. Opening a random page, he saw an entry being written. The date couldn't be read. The ink was blotted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Date: ××-××-××
I had been in deep thinking today. I'd been wondering where my parents are. I'd been wondering what happened to them. I don't know.
I must've had a troubled face. Since Conner came,
saying, "Lighten up little one. You don't want to make this place darker"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Looks like a journal entry," Oliver thought to himself. As he continued flipping the pages, he found that some of them were either partly torn or entirely ripped off. "The grammar was a bit off in some sentences." He continued to skim through. There were scribbles of unknown shadowy figures. He flipped to the very first page and saw that it was his grandfather's. He then went down, back to the bedroom, and placed the journal in a cabinet. "What is this supposed to mean?"
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hi, Micro! I haven't welcomed you to Yewis yet, so here's a belated welcome: WELCOME! Now that's done, I'll get onto the review.
The way you quickly brief the reader in on Oliver's life situation is great. In one paragraph, I was brought pretty well up-to-date on everything that was going on in his life. I also loved how you finished the first paragraph: Life went on like this for him. It sounds poetic, and really professional.
The first nitpick I came across was this: Despite being married and having kids on his own. Unless you're writing a futuristic science-fiction, a man cannot have a child by himself. Therefore, replace the 'on' with 'of' so the sentence makes sense.
It was black with a thick (probably leather) cover. Another nitpick was this. I don't need to know that the diary 'might' be leather, just go ahead and say that it is. It's difficult to describe why I consider this a nitpick, I think it's just personal preference. But you know how in essay writing, you have to complete confidence? You don't say: Therefore, this drug might cure this disease. Instead, you write with certainty and say: Therefore, this drug will cure this disease. That all said, I loved your descriptions at the end of the same paragraph, describing the ink. Ink blots are an important detail and it added a mysterious feeling to the scene.
"Lighten up little one. You don't want to make this place darker." Sinister! Love it! I get the feeling the whole story is based around this. Nice writing, please keep continuing with the story.
Thanks!
Those are things that I really haven't noticed. XD
Hi Micro (is it alright if I call you that?)! Mage here to do the promised review!
I admit I'm a bit confused. The last chapter was labeled "Homework and Hats Part 1" and this chapter is labeled "Up in the Attic". Is the next part of "Homework and Hats" going to come later?
That's a sad bit of information, but explains why Oliver is still living in the same house. Now the question is what happened to his brother...
This seems like a run-on sentence to me. My suggestion is to put a period after "work", and change "where" to "then". Also, "will" should be "would".
"Are" should be "were". Also, the colon isn't needed.
Take out one of the "thens". It makes the second sentence sound repetitive. Also, interesting thing to find. Oliver, I think it means you're supposed to read it to find out what could have possibly happened to your younger brother.
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!