Hello there kid. Name's James and I had the strangest and creepiest thing happen to me back then. Yeah, it was way back on September 27, 1991. Oh yes, it was a day I could never forget. Here's the story:
You see, my group mainly worked on kids' and their behavior. There was a time where imaginary friends became a thing, and so we decided to have a survey. Most of the children were fully aware that their friends were non-existent and a thing of their minds, save for one who insisted that it was real, though that wasn't the odd part. I'm gonna try to recall the best of the conversation I can. Here we go.
"Hello there young man, your mother told me that you have an unseen friend. Is that true?"
"Yup," he answered with a smile.
"Do you believe that he's actually there with you?"
"I don't really think he's real, but I don't think he needed to be so he can be my friend since he tries to make me happy; although dad told us that he's there and that he saw him"
"Mhm," That statement kinda creeped me out. "What is he like? What does he look like and how does he behave?"
"He can look like anything: a bird, a cat, a dragon...but he usually looks like an angel with short white hair"
"Huh. Sounds amazing. You must've had fun with him"
"Yup! He can be quite mean though, but it's usually when he thinks that someone is doing something stupid"
"I see. Say, what is his name?"
"His name is Alakim", he giggled.
I'd stop there. Have you ever heard of that name before? Would you expect a six year old to come up with that? I guess I wouldn't; you probably would. After that, we talked about how they spent their time together. There are times they'd play games like Hide n' Seek at night when everyone were asleep.
It was then time for us to go, and, when we left, I saw his friend with him waving at us. His smile looked like he's gonna kill us and it gave me the chills! That wasn't for real right? I could've remembered it wrong.
Wait? What do you mean that wasn't the strangest thing you've heard of? Well, guess what, it wasn't normal either.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Hey,
So I read your earlier chapter and noticed as well as the other reviewer that the narrator as changed and i like this. It gives a different perspective on the situation. I feel like you are going to do this with the other chapters and I hope I'm right.
the only real mistake i see is when you say "There are times they'd play games like Hide n' Seek at night when everyone were asleep." Was instead of were is what I have to say about that. Other than that this is pretty okay grammar wise as far as I can see.
I am a bit confused when the therapist says he sees the friend too. So is he real or nah? Oh and is the narrator a therapist that's kinda what I got from it? Oh and who is the narrator talking to? It's like he is telling a story but who is he telling it to. Just the reader. to clear that up would be great.
So all around this was short and well done for it's length besides the minor grammar errors. So keep writing and i'll go check your other stuff to see if they need some reviews. Have a great night alright?
-Zee
Hey,
So I read your earlier chapter and noticed as well as the other reviewer that the narrator as changed and i like this. It gives a different perspective on the situation. I feel like you are going to do this with the other chapters and I hope I'm right.
the only real mistake i see is when you say "There are times they'd play games like Hide n' Seek at night when everyone were asleep." Was instead of were is what I have to say about that. Other than that this is pretty okay grammar wise as far as I can see.
I am a bit confused when the therapist says he sees the friend too. So is he real or nah? Oh and is the narrator a therapist that's kinda what I got from it? Oh and who is the narrator talking to? It's like he is telling a story but who is he telling it to. Just the reader. to clear that up would be great.
So all around this was short and well done for it's length besides the minor grammar errors. So keep writing and i'll go check your other stuff to see if they need some reviews. Have a great night alright?
-Zee
Hi MicrohieraxFT! Mage here to do the promised review!
I really like this story. I noticed the narrator has changed. Is each chapter going to be different instances involving the six year old Willy and his friend? If it is, that sounds really cool! With this chapter and the last one, I enjoyed hearing each person's side of the story.
Onto the nitpicky stuff. The majority of it is punctuation.
This sentence doesn't feel right. I would suggest adding a comma in somewhere, and though the "Oh-hoh" definitely adds to James' character, I also suggest taking that out.
There's several problems with this, and both aren't punctuation-related. You use "so" twice in one sentence. One should be removed or changed to a different word. The second problem is the first phrase is in present tense. You slip into present tense several times throughout this chapter.
Another thing you do throughout this chapter is use commas instead of periods. The first phrase and second phrase should be their own sentences.
The comma should come before the quotation mark. You do this several other times in this chapter.
There should be a period after "him", and like I mentioned earlier, "Huh", "sounds amazing", and "you must've have fun with him" should be their own sentences. Also, "have" should be "had".
When telling someone's age, spell out the number.
There should be a comma between “and” and “when”.
One last comment: I think James would be in denial after seeing Willy's friend. He doesn't believe in imaginary friends, so the sight of a supposedly imaginary friend would most likely be seen as a figment of his imagination in James' eyes.
Other than that, this chapter was awesome! I can't wait to see what happens next. Keep up the great work – which I doubt you'll have trouble with – and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Wow, no wonder why I felt like I used commas too much. I also have trouble writing characters in denial. Any tips for emphasis? I only added one sentence for that.