There was a boy who wasn't there;
His eyes so soft,
His skin so fair.
He lived a life from history's past;
His years were gone,
His life was fast.
He was my friend that no one knew;
I smiled and laughed.
Oh, the things we would do.
I loved the boy who wasn't there.
I longed to hold him,
Though I wouldn't dare.
He smiled so gently through the tears in his eyes,
As he whispered kindly,
"I wont tell you lies."
"My time has come to leave this place,
But I'll always regret,
Not seeing your face"
I wanted to hold him, to keep him with me,
"I love you, you know,
I can't let you be!"
I wish we had more time together;
Our love was like
A delicate feather.
There was a boy who wasn't there.
He had left me behind,
It just wasn't fair.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I like the way you echoed the first and last stanzas to show the way things have changed. That was very effective. I didn't like the second stanza though. It just didn't seem quite right, i'm not entirely sure why.
I didn't quite understand who or what the boy was but the image you created was very thought provoking and interesting. The structure was good as was the general rhyming scheme and overall I thought it was a good piece of work.
This...was beautiful. I liked it a lot. Like the people before me said, there a few mistakes, but the idea and way it was written was wonderful. I liked it a lot! Good job!
Hello! I'm back to review this wonderful poem again because, well... I just can't leave it alone. I don't know how legitimate the suggestions I'm going to give you are, so please forgive me.
Okay, so the rhyming pattern really stuck out to me here - it has an extra syllable, doesn't it? Maybe it could be: "Oh, the things we'd do." I don't know, I just think that would make it flow a bit better.
Same thing here. The last line seems to break the pattern. Maybe it could be: "I longed to hold him/ but wouldn't dare."
Sorry, I just wanted to point those two things out. Plus, I haven't done many reviews lately. But like I said before, I really love this poem, and it made cry the first time I read it! So... beautiful...
-Dai
That brought me pretty close to tears, it was really touching and i can completely relate. Even now, it feels like his ghost is haunting me, and eventhough part of me wants to forget him, the other part wants to be with him again. A lot of people can relate to that idea, and your writing was really simple but so moving. Really, an amazing job, i loved it.
Hello there =]. I think the beginning of this poem was really good. Everything up to the last two stanzas was strong with a really good rhythm. It kept me wanting to read more. As for the last two stanzas, I became vera sad =[ Because it wasn't nearly as strong as the other stanzas. Don't worry too much, I've had the same problem dozens of times. Overall I think its really good, but I think the last two stanzas could be worded differently so then you end it with a BANG! Hope this helps, and keep writing =]]
Micki, this is magnificent.....just...wonderful. To quote the reviewer directly above me, it had a "gentle and swift feel": perfect words to describe this. I almost don't wanna do this, but I did see a few mistakes. And believe me, when I see a mistake, it takes something fierce to stop me from pointing it out.
The first block cuts a sentence in half. In every single other bock, you managed to put either a fullstop or a comma at the end of the second line. Not so here. For me, it just interrupts the otherwise delicious flow. I wouldn't know the first thing about editing poems, so you'll have to find a way to patch that one up.
As for the second block (I have a feeling they're called stanzas, but my poetic terminology is so bad, I wouldn't dare use that) I just think you should cut the 'had'. That's all, really.
Also, if you'll scrutinize the poem microscopically, you'll see that the rhythm is is off. Not so off that a first glance would notice it, but when you start clapping it out, or trying to sing it (Yes, I tried *---*) it sounds really off.
Jenth out.
Hi... Gosh this poem was so deep and nice!! Loved it instantly!! It flowed with a gentle and swift feel.. Also you have done brilliantly with the rhyming... I find it extremely difficult to do so.. So good job.. The best thing about it though was that I could totally relate to it... leaving someone I love and had a laugh with behind is a terrible part of military life that I have suffered... Very well written and I congratulate you on something so beautiful...
Harshita:)
Oh Micki... *sniff* I think I almost cried... This was so sad...
I liked the rhyme "together" and "feather," I think that sounded nice.
Ooooh. I'm sad for both the one left behind and the boy who wasn't there.
-Suki