I have finally understood where my heart truly 'lies.'
In the rib cage between the lungs,
Or when I am with you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there, MeAndMyThoughts! I'm going to attempt to review this, though it's going to be very short.
Okay, I love the message in this. You're technical, and say where the heart actually is. Then you're emotional, and say your heart is wherever they are. In my opinion, it shows that you're not head over heels for this person, completely enthralled by them. You can think logically, and therefore you know your love is real and not a product of madness.
Something I would perhaps change is the tense. I think everything should be in present tense to make it a more 'here and now' piece. So the first line would read something like I finally understand where my heart truly lies. I also think you should say 'my' lungs since you say 'my' heart.
Though so short, this still gets a strong message across. So well done and Happy Review Day!
Actually, there is a pun in 'lies'. Only few have got it right though.
HEELLO Me and My Thoughts,
You know, I've read a few of your poems already and I find that this one is the most hilarious. The more I look at it, the more I laugh my head off. The second line just cracks me up! I can't help it, you take love so literally!
This poem is so simple, there's seriously nothing wrong with it. It's perfect! A masterpiece! I don't even know how you came up with it but it's incredible! So deep, yet so simple. It's short too, only three lines! The shortest I've seen was four. Congrats for beating that! I didn't even know it was possible. Your ability to make something incredible out of three lines is amazing!
I'm still laughing. This passage is awesome.
I'm wondering why you put quotation marks around "lies". Did you mean lies as in dishonesty? "My heart truly lies". Hey, those quotation marks just put a whole new meaning to the line!
I have to stop laughing,
Night Kaizer
Thanks.
'Lies'. should be 'lies.'
Punctuation goes inside quotation marks.
Thanks for telling. I will correct it right away.
no prob.
I have changed a few things. Is it better now?
Hey there! MeAndMyThoughts!
I have never reviewed such a small poem, but this onee is pulling me forwards to do one.
I really liked the way things escalated here, from telling the actual fact to the completely romantic and cheesy one.
I guess it is a haiku-ish something.
I feel the quote-unquote marks at ''Lies'' is not necessary and so are the dots...
The that over here'' I finally got to know that where my heart truly 'lies'.....'' should not be present. The flow of the poem is better without it.
Well, nikayla has reviewed it now, and I agree to it.
I see you are a very new member here. So, welcome to Young Writers Society!! Don't be disappointed to the negative reviews. Just let the positive words sink in and chuck everything else.
Beware of advice; even this.
So, hope to read more of your works!
Have a nice day/evening!
A fellow writer at YWS,
Alex Blackwell.
Thanks! I am not disappointed by criticism, except when people say I am force rhyming (on my rhyming poems). I welcome other form of criticism. Actually I wrote 'lies' like this because it's the most important word. It makes the poem. I will keep it in mind for the next time . Thanks.
This is Nikayla here for a short review!
The first thing that I noticed about this is that it happens to be three lines long. I think the subject matter is one that fits to be a haiku, and it isn't. If you don't know what a haiku is, it's a poem with three lines with the number of syllables of 5 - 7 - 5 for each line. The first line being five syllables, the second line being seven syllables, and so on. I'm sure you may already know it, but I think it'd be beneficial to rewrite it in that structure or format since it sort of fits that even though most haikus happen to focus on nature. Jumping more into the poem, the first line isn't all that strong in terms of its delivery.
The ellipses don't really have all that much meaning or purpose of being after the first line, so I suggest you take them out. It weakens the first line in its emotional weight as well as the start of the first line as it doesn't have strong start with "I finally got to know."
Moving on from that, the poem does well in getting its message across, though I would like the placing of the heart in the second line to have more imagery imbued in it. I also suggest that you consider changing "or" to "and" to have a better flow with the poem, but that's just my thoughts.
That's all I have to say about the poem! The concept of the poem works well, but I'd like to see a better execution of it. I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thanks for the suggestions. But grammatically 'or' is correct. Yeah, I know the poem has a weak start. I initially thought of making it a funny poem but then added the love part of it, so the last line is that. And thanks for telling me what a haiku is, I didn't know. I will try to strengthen the first line. Could you give me some suggestions? Thanks!