What I say, you already know of,
It's just how I say that's new;
But the thing of sorrow is that,
My words are understood only by a few.
And now too that has happened.
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139,801 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
hi there!
The rhyme scheme actually really helped you convey the premise of your message. I'm not always fond of rhyming poetry, but in this case, your delivery (at least regarding your method of organization) appealed to me.
That being said. Subjectively, the piece was difficult to read. Several of the verses were worded awkwardly, which made for a rocky flow.
The lack of punctuation gives it an unnecessary rush. Maybe change it to 'What I say, you already know', or something along those lines.
Feels like it's missing something. You could add an 'it' between 'say' and 'that's' to make it read more clearly. There're other small fixes you could make to smooth the bumps with this. But seeing that discrepancies in rhythm have already been touched on by other reviewers, I'll move on.
Your ending is straightforward, if nothing else. It brings the poem full-circle. The reader gets a glimpse of the narrator's frustration about being unable to send a message or to express themselves. It's a common source of agitation, especially for a writer. We're definitely your target audience, here.
Overall, a relatable theme with potential for solid execution. Just a bit of tweaking to do before you get there.
Hopefully my suggestions prove useful!
best of wishes,
pass
Thanks for the suggestion of comma in the first line. I had it in mind but thought it might be grammatically wrong. In the second line though, I have omitted 'it' on purpose to keep the flow. The last line is added because it's the truth. I hope you get it now. Otherwise, the poem still portrays the truth.
It's your poem, you can do what you want! But there's a balance between stating the truth, and shaping the truth into something that appeals to your readers. Just as there's a difference between maintaining rhythm and using it as a crutch.
Like I said, it's your piece, but if I had one piece of advice, it would be the aforementioned one.
Thanks for replying!
Well. I have a recently composed short piece of work which I will post after the review day is over. I hope it will clear some of your doubts about me.
The problem is that I don't want to remove the word 'only' in the last line.
Well, it's a bit short. Sure, short poetry is fine, and I dare not say that it took little effort either, as it is more the message that matters in this particular piece, but it could be at least eight lines long.
I can't tell whether or not the poem is being purposefully self-aware. The first line would hint at some self-awareness, as the message has indeed been told a fair few times, and that would indeed be quite unique and interesting.
Second line adds to the first rather well. I'd say it describes not only the words you yourself speak, but the messages of most poetry you'll find. Most poems are about the same things over and over again, and it is the execution which differs between them (sometimes even that is uninspired).
In the third line, I might replace "of" with "with". Not much else to say here. I'd only ask, why sorrow?
Last line's quite nice. I'd like it shorter though. Maybe "My words are understood by few". The meaning is equal, and it actually flows better. To me, it describes the idea of poets lacking the ability to tell their thoughts as well as they'd like. Or, of course, it can be the typical "my style" excuse. Either way, you point out something very interesting.
It is odd how this short poem, which is four lines long and contains little in the way of fancy adjectives tells me more than most of the dragged-out love poems I've read in my time (I really don't like long love poems, unless they're expertly written). I started reading your work with some distance, but I've grown to like it while writing the review, as it can be interpreted rather freely, perhaps due to its length.
The reviewer under me gave it a 6, but I might just go far enough to give you a 6.5...
Good work! Thumbs up from me!
Don't do "of" instead of "with," it would change the meaning. She/he meant something like, "The fact that my words are misunderstood makes this sorrowful."
Did I write of instead of with? If so, my apologies. I meant the opposite, with instead of "of". "The thing with sorrow is that".
"The thing of sorrow" just sounds weird to me. But then again, I could very well be wrong.
Thanks for the review.
No, I made the mistake of switching them lol. My bad
As for what I was saying---He/she wants it to be that the situation is one OF sorrow, not one WITH sorrow. that's what I meant.
Hello there. I added one more line.
Ha! That's pretty cool. A dynamic poem!
Thanks.
Okay. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? I hope you don't mind criticism, it isn't meant to offend, it's meant to be constructive. Here we go!
Keep it up, buttercup!
To start us off, we'll go through line-by-line, okay?
Line one. I feel like you need to add some details somewhere in the poem, possibly here, to define the phrase "What I say" because it's a bit confusing throughout.
Line two. Firstly, "Its" should be "It's" with an apostrophe. Also, the word "just" seems a bit out of place. You could start this line with "but it's" instead. Finally, for this line, try adding the word "it" after "how I say."
Line three. Delete the comma. It doesn't belong there and serves no purpose other than to break your line.
Line four. Finally! The message of the poem rings through. The punch being put here at the end may have been a great idea, but with the aforementioned errors, it nulls it completely. This is a powerful piece, but only if you say the words in the right way.
Now for my next task: the poem as a whole.
The rhyme is good, but the rhythm could use some work. If you have to, tap your desk or whatever you use to write on and make a steady beat for each word or syllable---count them and see how many beats occur in each line. This will help you keep flow better. My biggest problem, though, is the last line. It's just too long for the poem. Try shortening it or lengthening the others.
Finally, your grade.
This piece was a great work of art, but it could use some work. I do believe that the poem as a whole could be lengthened into a larger poem, because this doesn't work too well as a stand-alone poem, if you can understand what I mean by that...
OVERALL---Not bad, but you should consider revision...6/10 stars.
Finally! Finally someone who judges rhythm! I cannot tell you how glad I am to see a reviewer who know of the tap-desk method! And overall, isn't that just a beautiful review? So many people don't point out obvious flaws, and instead praise flawed work in fear of insulting, which helps no one in the end.
I just wanted to say that I adore this review, because it simply does not mess around. That's all.
Thanks Smeagol.
Honestly, I didn't know the desk-tapping thing was a real technique, I was just thinking of ways and it popped into my head---it was an on-the-spot kind of thing.
But thank you.
Thanks. I will correct the grammatical errors. I too thought that the last line was longer than it should be. Rather than beat I try more to keep the poem in rhythm. I just say it repeatedly until I think it's in flow.
You force it by doing it that way
Again that force rhyming thing.
mhm
I believe that your rhythm are song-like, but I use different rhythms in the same poem. The commas and semi-colans are for that only. Not full stops, but commas matter more in a poem.