A Follow up

Hey Andrew! Just popping by to give this a little review and pop it out of the green room :)

Though I didn't read the first poem you wrote, your author's note was helpful in giving context to where this poem was coming from, so thanks for that!

I really like the overall message of this poem - I appreciated the way you conveyed the feeling of confidence in being able to take control over your own life and your own decisions. It felt balanced, knowing that there will always be things outside of our control, but that we can make our own choices in the midst of them. The tone feels very hopeful, and I like that it ends on a positive note.

I think some of the rhymes in the poem feel a bit forced - like the lines were written more for the sake of the rhyme than for the emotion or message you were wanting to convey. And I think because of that, for me, the message felt a little bit cheapened. Still powerful, but I think if you challenged yourself more with more creative word choice it could be a much stronger poem.

I'll use a small example:

Forget the dumb writer's block

Forget if they mock

I'm going to run and grab my frock!

This could just be me - but I don't know anyone in this day and age who uses the word "frock" regularly, or at all. Frankly, I had to google it to remind myself of what the word means (I knew it was an article of clothing) but that whole last line just didn't really make much sense to me. Like, yes, please grab your clothes and be clothed I guess lol but what does that have to do with forgetting the haters? While it's funny, I think it distracts from what you're trying to say instead of helping. It feels like you put that line in there just so "block" would have something to rhyme with after it.

When rhyming words in stanzas, it's great to keep a consistent rhyme scheme, but part of what makes poetry challenging is fighting to keep each rhyme and word intentional so that it feels like it's there on purpose. That's one of the things that makes the best poems the best poems!

I like where the poem lands in the end, on a hopeful declaration that you're going to do your best! But I think I do agree with omer - I think your strongest concluding line was that you'd "Write yourself a story worth living!" That's fantastic.

I might cut the grinning part out though, or reword it. "Do myself some grinning" sounds chunky, and I think there's a way to say that better. Or maybe you could think of a different rhyme altogether!

Anyways, that's all the thoughts I have for today but if you think of any questions or want clarity on my feedback feel free to ask!

Keep writing! <3
-sound

Hey Andrew! That is such a positive follow up, and I'm really glad you wrote and published it. It is a great closure. I have some notes, so let's start!

1.

Last week I sent you a letter

But it came right back, the same ol' letter

No worse, no better.

.

At first I was frustrated

I had sent my letter, hoped and waited

The word "letter" in the second stanza is unnecessary, in my opinion. It makes it over-repeated. You can either replace it with "it" if you feel like it would be clear that the narrator refers to the letter, or just use a synonym of the word, like "mail".

2.

But then something hit me

and I suddenly felt quite free

I feel like "me" and "free" don't really rhyme as we'd want them to. Perhaps you could find a better rhyme there? Otherwise, it wouldn't fit with the rest of the poem, which does rhyme.

3.

I am character and author, too!

I'd add a comma there.^

4.

What if I was you?

I am character and author too!

That's why the letter was sent back to me!

.

Who else could it be?

I'm the only me.

So, maybe, if I wanted a good plot...

No... That's a strange thought....

Maybe I should do it myself

.

But there won't be any magic and not a single elf!

I'd write it in another stanzas seperation:

What if I was you?

I am character and author, too!

That's why the letter was sent back to me!

Who else could it be? I'm the only me.


So, maybe, if I wanted a good plot...

No... That's a strange thought...

Maybe I should do it myself

But there won't be any magic and not a single elf!

5.

Wait, most of everything else I can do on my own

All I've done is moan

Forget the dumb writer's block

Forget if they mock

Which means I can do what I want

Make art all nonchalant

Most of the weigh is on the first sentences, in these three cases. You can balance it by making the second ones longer.

6.

Most of what I want I can make just fine

If I work real hard it could all be mine

I could make a story more interesting than grades

If I find a purpose all that stress fades!

Great rhythm!

7.

Write myself a story worth living!

and then maybe I'll do myself some grinning

These are the last sentences in the poem, so they have to be powerful. You can achive that with good rhythm and meaning, which right now arn't completley complete. I'd just play with these two untill I'd be satisfied with!

That's it! Hope some of these helped. Good job here!
Omer.