z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Neighborhood Tales: The Tale of a Hedgehog (Chapters 9 and 10)

by MaxaM


Chapter 09

“I see. So basically, after you saw that porcupine, you started getting scared of and avoiding opening yourself up to other people because of the pain of the thorns.”

“I don’t like the phrasing, but in essence, yes.”

“Well, for starters, you made a pretty amateurish mistake, even though for you it probably wasn’t anything major. What you saw wasn’t a porcupine, it was a hedgehog.”

“Why does it matter? It’s not like there is that much of a difference.”

Isac said, sounding a bit annoyed.

“Is it about the word ‘hedgehog’ itself?”

I asked.

“You’re in the right track li’l Mayoi, but it’s not only that, things from the length of the thorns to the defense mechanisms differ pretty greatly between the species, but this is a topic for another moment.” Gaen said, and then, continued “Anyway, I figured out what is affecting you, young one.”

“Really? What is it?”

He sounded tired, hopeless, but even though I am inclined to believe that was just my imagination, I think I sensed a tenth of an inch of hope in his voice, but there was no way of knowing if it was the truth, it was just for a moment after all.

The Hedged Hog," Gaen stated "it’s a creature from a tale from the south of this country. According to the local myths, this is a cowardly creature that is attracted to anxious people, and when it crosses paths with one, they take shelter in the heart of the person, making them afraid and aggressive toward other human beings, some even say they make thorns come out of the host’s skin to protect both from other people.”

That was what Gaen told us.

I looked at Isac,

This time he didn’t even go through the work of hiding his expression,

He was shocked,

But I don’t feel it’s because of what Gaen said, it looked more like something had clicked within him, and that thing is shocked him.

But why, or perhaps it would be better to ask: what, though? I mean, it’s not like he did anything wrong, and it’s not like any of this is his fault. That Hedged Hog just happened to take advantage of his vulnerable state. Wait, maybe that’s why? But that’s no reason at all to feel bad.

And then Gaen spoke:

“The funny thing is: the Hedged Hog is a quite rare neighbor to witness, you see? As I said, the little foe is really coward and is afraid of most humans, so it only tends to show up when someone as afraid needs it.”

“What do you mean?”

Isac asked in a low voice, it sounded like he already had an idea of what Gaen was going to say.

“What I mean is: you should stop pretending that you are simply just a victim.”

After that, silence filled the room.

What did she mean by ‘stop pretending to simply be just a victim’? From everywhere I look he is the victim of this situation, and by her logic, Isac wanted the Hedged Hog to appear. Who would even ask for that? Why?

The silence remained for a while, and then, Gaen nodded to herself an said:

“Anyhow, I have a pretty good grasp of your situation now young boy, I can help you out, if you want, of course.”

“Wait a minute”

Isac interjected

“What is it?”

“So if I just go and say ‘yes, please save me miss Gaen’, you will just get rid of this Hedgehog thingy here and now without asking anything in return?”

“Oh, so that is the problem” She sighed and scratched the back of her neck like she was dealing with a nuisance “Well, I predicted you would say something like that. First of all, it wouldn’t be right now, there will be some preparations I need to make in order to deal with the Hedged Hog, but yes, I intended to severe the bond between you without charging anything, but I guess that for you it would be no good, right?”.

Isac just stared at Gaen,

She let out a laugh.

“Alright, young boy, I normally don’t like to involve money on my businesses, but if it’ll make you more comfortable, I’ll charge a little bit; about four hundred dollars, what do you think?”

Wait, she accepted cash?! I had to literally go to one version of hell to pay for when she helped a month ago!

“You see, li’l Mayoi, demons are way harder to deal with then Hedged Hogs, and not only that, but Tsuí also was barely holding onto their existence at that moment, so of course I would ask something in return.”

I don’t know if it’s only to me, but her constant, unchanging friendly tone scared me a bit.

Also, you must have noticed that I didn’t make any comments about the quotation marks, and if I had to explain why, it would be because I genuinely believed that she was able to see through not only just me, but pretty much anyone, so her being able to know what I was thinking for some reason felt like it was just natural.

“Please don’t lay the blame on demons, I could have died there!”

“If you take every situation you’re in so seriously you’re going to die from stress, li’l Mayoi. Did you even get close to dying on that errand?”

No, but still...

“Anyhow.” Began Gaen, going back to the topic at hand and completely dismissing me “Is the price ok with you, li'l Isac? Of course, you’ll only have to pay after everything is said and done.”

“... I can handle it. After you get rid of this Hedged Hog, I’ll pay you somehow. So how will we do it?”

“‘We’ was pretty adequate. Don’t have any misconceptions, little one, you will do the biggest part. I’ll just set up the stage and orient you through the process of luring the Hedged Hog out, but the ‘getting rid’ part will be entirely on you. You were the one that brought it onto yourself after all.”

I didn't like the idea at the beginning, but the part that sounded worst to me was the 'getting rid' one.

“Wait, what do you mean? Are you seriously expecting him to fight an aberration?!”

I know Isac can handle himself, but there’s no way a normal human can deal with something that isn’t even physical. If things came to that, I probably would throw myself in the middle, I felt like I had to.

Gaen looked at me with the same friendly face, but from spending time with her, I could at least tell when she was laughing at people at the inside, she was doing that right now.

“Fight? When did I ever say anyone was going to fight anything? I said he was going to ‘get rid of it’. Actually, I believe it would have been more clear if I said something along the lines of: ‘tell it off’, sorry, my mistake. Basically, what I meant was that your friend here will have to talk to the Hedged Hog.”

Chapter 10.

“So, kiddos, go to your houses, take a shower and wear something that will make you comfortable and at... Let’s see...” Gaen looked at her worn-out wristwatch “At 21 o’clock come back here, I’ll be waiting for you”

After saying that, we exchanged goodbyes and the two of us headed out of the classroom.

“Oh! Cousin! Person-i-don't-know! Hello, how’s it going? Is miss Gaen here?”

At the stairs to the second floor, we were greeted by a young energetic girl, that was my cousin, Lia.

“Yo, Lia. Yeah, Gaen is in the same place as always.”

“Oh, okay. I see you are busy now, so I assume you won’t be home for dinner today too.”

“Hey, don’t make me look like a villain, it’s not like you will go anyway, you're just that nosy.”

“...You got me there. So I’ll be going upstairs, see you guys later!”

“See ya.”

“... bye”

After getting a good space between us, Isac whispered to himself:

“People are tiring”

“I agree.”

We both sighed, but I imagine we had different people in mind.

After that, I almost died.

That’s probably an overreaction, but at the time, it looked like a very likely scenario.

Why?

Because for some Atua forsaken reason (I wonder if anyone got the reference), I ended up in Isac’s apartment.

Don’t ask me why, I also wanted to know. He practically dragged me here.

The place was pretty spacious and even though there was only the exceptionally necessary furniture there, those that were there looked pretty expensive,

But from all the things that could catch my eyes, the first thing that I noticed, no, the thing that jumped out at me the most, after walking through the house for a bit, was that there was only one bedroom,

And it was there that I was waiting for Isac while he was taking his shower in the room’s bathroom.

Unable to stand the silence, I tried to start some small-talk.

“So, where are your parents, Isac?”

“After they abandoned me I kind of lost track of it.”

He responded.

‘Abandoned’?

He was joking, right? Although, with his tone it was difficult to tell, and since this place has only one room...

“This is a pretty big place, I didn’t know there were apartments this large here in the town.”

I tried to change the subject

“It’s from an acquaintance's company, I couldn’t just be throw out on the street so the guy placed me here, but if my grades drop there’s no guarantee I’ll not end up there.”

“Those are some pretty high stakes.”

“Well, the tests from our school are awfully easy, so I don’t have to worry all that much.”

You sure make it difficult to sympathize with you.

“I mean, all you need to do is memorize the textbooks and when you see a question, bring up the info and think about it in the context, it’s not all that difficult.”

“Sorry if not everyone has an amazing memory like you, all-mighty Isac”

After that sarcastic remark, I heard the sound of the shower water stop, and Isac just casually walked into the room with only his towel on.

Oh, so this is what they call ‘gay panic’,

Interesting.

I turned my back to him.

“Yeah, sadly that’s true, there is a vast amount of brainless humans out there who follow their lives completely oblivious of their ignorance and stupidity believing they are the norm, I truly pity those people, of course, that includes you.”

“Are you calling me brainless?! Also, could you please put some clothes on?”

“Oh my God, you were able to make sense of my words! I can’t believe this miracle of fate.” He said, faking surprise “Wait, but that also means he now became aware that he is a brainless human being. I broke the spell of ignorance, I can feel the weight of my sins.”

K.O

Isac: 1, Mayoi Hon’i: 0

“Wait, where did you even take the idea that I was that stupid from?”

“First of all, the way you simply don’t recognize it confirms my hypothesis on a level, but my primary evidence are your grades, I mean, every time I check the grade board it’s already customary to see your name on the rock bottom.”

“H-hey, it’s not the rock bottom, at least... Well, our class has 23 people so... at least around the eighteenth place on most subjects!”

“Rock bottom”

He stated matter of factly

Well, he isn’t wrong, but...

“Well, at least I have passing grades...”

“The true lines of someone who will go nowhere in life”

I wasn’t looking at him, but I could feel his condescending eyes on me,

It wasn’t a good feeling.

“Where do you intend to go in life?”

“None of your business”

That normally would be fair enough, but you just said I would go nowhere so at least set an example.

“Also, how long will you take to get dressed?”

“Actually I was already dressed for a while, I was just having fun annoying you. Revenge from earlier you could say.”

After saying that I noticed the shadow of a person in front of me, and a second after that Isac bent his back down to face me since I was sitting on the floor.

“Use the shower too, just don’t take long, and I'll lend you one of my hoodies, don’t worry, I'll pick the plainest one I got to suit you.”

Sigh. 


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1485 Reviews


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Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:06 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Right, last one and then I'm up to date! I noticed you haven't posted this novel in a while but if you do continue and want more feedback then feel free to tag me in any subsequent chapters or just drop me a message and I'll be happy to check it out!

“I see. So basically, after you saw that porcupine, you started getting scared of and avoiding opening yourself up to other people because of the pain of the thorns.”

“I don’t like the phrasing, but in essence, yes.”

“Well, for starters, you made a pretty amateurish mistake, even though for you it probably wasn’t anything major. What you saw wasn’t a porcupine, it was a hedgehog.”

Again, who's talking? Pop in a dialogue tag perhaps.

“Why does it matter? It’s not like there is that much of a difference.”

Isac said, sounding a bit annoyed.

To correctly format this, it should be “Why does it matter? It’s not like there is that much of a difference,” Isac said, sounding a bit annoyed.
If you're interested in how to write speech, there are some great resources I can direct you to! It's something that can be really difficult and we all struggle with it sometimes.

“The Hedged Hog," Gaen stated "it’s a creature from a tale from the south of this country. According to the local myths, this is a cowardly creature that is attracted to anxious people, and when it crosses paths with one, they take shelter in the heart of the person, making them afraid and aggressive toward other human beings, some even say they make thorns come out of the host’s skin to protect both from other people.”

An interesting concept!


That's what Gaen told us

You don't need this line since it's already clear that Gaen is speaking.

After that, I almost died.

That’s probably an overreaction, but at the time, it looked like a very likely scenario.

Why?

Because for some Atua forsaken reason (I wonder if anyone got the reference), I ended up in Isac’s apartment.

This is where you could utilise the chapter change as you've changed scene.

After saying that, we exchanged goodbyes and the two of us headed out of the classroom

I would remove the first three words here because I think they're arbitrary.

After saying that I noticed the shadow of a person in front of me, and a second after that Isac bent his back down to face me since I was sitting on the floor.

Same here - I think it takes away from the moment.

That's all I have for this section. As I mentioned, feel free to let me know if & when you post more of this as I'd be happy to review for you.

Hope some of this was helpful!

Icy




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Thu Aug 27, 2020 8:04 pm
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Lezuli wrote a review...



Hello and greetings once again! As always, these chapters thoroughly entertained me. Reading about Hon'i and Isac's interactions is always funny and fun. I also like the way the story is going so far. We're about to get to some really good stuff.
As for my critiques, they are all simple, minor things.
#1: “Oh, so that is the problem” She sighed and scratched the back of her neck like she was dealing with a nuisance" In these sentences, you are just missing a period after 'problem' and after 'nuisance'.
#2: 'You want him to fight an aberration!?' I'm not totally sure here, but did you mean to spell 'apparition'? Aberration means something that isn't normal, and typically that something isn't welcome or positive. Apparition, on the other hand, is another word for ghost/spirit.
#3: “Use the shower too, just don’t take long, and I'll lend you one of my hoodies, don’t worry, I'll pick the plainest one I got to suit you.” This is a run-on sentence, a better way to separate it would be something like this: 'Use the shower, too. Just don't take too long and I'll lend you one of my hoodies. Don't worry, I'll pick the plainest one I've got to suit you."
And that's all I have for you. (I really hope we get to learn what happened to Hon'i that made him go to hell) I hope this helped you!




MaxaM says...


Hello man, thanks for the review! And also for always showing up lol.
You always point out things I don't notice, and that helps a lot.
About the hell thing, it will be a tale for another time.
Thanks for everything pal! Hope to see you again on the next chapters!




Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
— Kyle Chandler