Published August 23, 2020
Chapter 05
Well, of course, Isac was shocked.
While he stared at his knife in disbelief and then back at me (he had fallen on his back and was on the floor at this point), I sat down on the floor.
I would be lying if I said I also wasn't surprised.
For the sake of you all, allow me to explain.
As I said two chapters ago, I got involved with a neighbor at summer break, I don’t like to talk about it a lot, but at this part of the story, it’s important to disclose the fact that the neighbor I met at that time was a demon who brought an end to things, and that we are bound together, or better, they are sealed within me.
“What the fuck was that...”
Isac muttered to himself, his voice seemed to contain a mixture of sealed anger and confusion.
“W-well, look, that was the work of something similar in existence to your porcupine thingy and it used to be really bad and run out of control until I met someone experienced in this kind of thing that helped contain it”
I spat out the best explanation I could give being as anxious as I was after knowing the horrors of the person in front of me, you must have noticed the hurry by the lack of punctuation.
After what happened to his knife, he at least was willing to listen, but with a look of utmost suspicion on his face.
“S-so, I thought, after seeing your situation that I could introduce you to the same person to see if maybe they could help you out.” I finally said it with a cold feeling in my stomach “W-what do you think?...”
“I... Kh!”
Shit! I had forgotten.
The thorns come out when someone or something affects him emotionally, or when he let down his guard.
And me remembering that must be enough to tell you: the thorns had shown up again
I will refrain from explaining that gruesome scenario all over again, I don’t think words can make justice to just how... painful that looked, it was not something any human should bear, it was just, awful, otherworldly awful.
And the worst thing about watching it all, was knowing that probably that happened because I was there, because I tried to get close, but it’s just...
How can one live like that? I can’t even fathom.
It was probably the wrong thing to do, but I wanted to know if he would accept the possibility of being helped, I wanted to lend a hand, as painful as it may be.
It is egoistical, it is painful, but I will do it anyway.
After a certain amount of time, the sprout stopped, and the thorns started to... get back in, I just noticed it now, which was strange, but apparently, the thorns didn’t damage his clothes at all, and his skin looked completely unda-
Wait, what?
“H-hey, Isac, that’s...”
“So it seems” He sounded distant as he said that, looking at his right hand. There were black spots all over them, but if you looked closely enough, they were small thorns. “I’m interested, take me to this person, and you better be quick or else.”
Chapter 06.
I was happy.
I got really happy after he said that he would let me help, but if I disclosed the real reason, you guys would probably be disgusted at me, I am disgusted.
Scratch that.
After that very friendly closing line, we exited the practice building and walked at the same pace until we reached the school gate.
There I stopped.
“What is it, Moron?”
“Why are you capitalizing ‘moron’? It’s not like it’s my name” I complained, even though it could very well be “Anyway, do you have a bike? We’re gonna need one to get to the place where that person is.”
“It is that far, huh?” He sounded suspicious, and also, he completely ignored my first remark. “In that case let’s just both go on yours.”
He stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. But to me, that possibility sounded like writing ‘PLEASE KILL ME’ on my forehead.
“It’s already written”
He said.
“I know this is a book, but please don’t read things outside of the quotation marks.”
Really, if you do that it will break the sense of immersion in the narrative, you should know that better than anyone.
“And it’s not like you had the time to write it.”
“You seriously underestimate me”
“Wait, you did write it?!”
Where’s the nearest mirror?!
“ ’Moron’ suits you just fine as a name.”
That bastard...
So, in the end, we ended up sharing my bicycle, which made me paranoid that this would be my last day as a narrator. But in the end, I calmed down, the novel has more pages, so unless they do one of those: ‘ main character dies and we get a new narrator’ plot twist I am safe.
I never felt happier about being the protagonist, as boring as I may be, at least I get the power of protagonism.
“Yo, Hon’i, what was that that happened to my knife back at the practice building? It should have sliced your neck, but at the moment the blade touched your skin, it just... disappeared”
“Well... Fuck it, we have some time, so I will explain to you the bare minimum.” That last comment contained a bit of bitterness on my part “So, the things that are affecting you and I right now are called neighbors, I don’t understand them very well myself, but apparently they are creatures that come to exist through belief. If someone believes a certain creature exists, it exists as a neighbor, as weak as it may be, and if certain circumstances are met, they will show up to you and affect your life according to their properties, most of the time, fucking shit up”
“You don’t spare words”
“You’re one to talk”
“But I think that our cases are different, I don’t spare words in the sense of the meaning of what I speak, but since almost everything that comes out of your mouth is meaninglessness, you use a vast quantity of words and vulgar vocabulary to pretend to matter, just like teenagers and pretentious philosophers.”
Ouch
Why do you have to be so mean?
And it's not like I am that convoluted.
“Hey, what do you think is better? Using a concise, but complex vocabulary or use a simpler one to facilitate understanding, but making the text longer?”
“The first, if the person doesn’t understand what I’m saying it’s their fault for being dumb, and if there’s a word that can summarize something that would need an entire paragraph normally, why not just use it? But, to be honest, I don’t think the issue is as black and white as you presented.”
“Really?”
“I mean, there are also those who show off using a vast amount of complex terminology just to hide the true meaningless of what they are saying, the pretentious philosophers would fall better in this category, and people who can communicate complex feelings through concise and simple wording, it’s not just the wording, but what is being conveyed and how it's used.”
“Hey, you are actually more talkative than I thought.”
“Nah, you’re just so obnoxious that I didn’t have a choice but to reply to your rhetorics so you would shut up for three minutes”
...
I may or may not have cut out a good part of me bugging Isac.
I’m innocent I swear.
“Ouch! Hey! If you hit me so carelessly while I’m driving we are both gonna fall!”
“Innocent my ass.”
He grunted. And then, he shut up
It was not like a couple of minutes back where even though he wasn’t talking, I could at least feel a faint openness
That feeling was gone now, now he was just... quiet, or better yet, melancholic, and... maybe afraid of something.
At that moment I noticed I didn’t even finish my explanation about my situation, but even I could tell that now wasn’t the right time to talk.
Like, at all.
So I just didn’t. And we biked our way to the ruins of a certain abandoned school where Gaen would be waiting for us.
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Back again! Let's clear these out of the green room
I'm not sure I would say 'of course' this whole thing seems pretty crazy so how do we know Isac didn't mean for that to happen?
again, a key narrative voice but it takes us away from the action so think about whether you may want to adapt that.
I thought neighboor had two Os?
Oh wow, ok! That's quite a big reveal and I'm torn on whether or not I like the way you've done it. I kind of like how it's a super casual matter of fact reveal but also it's such a key plot point... I don't know! Just voicing my thoughts on paper xD
Again, what is your character's name? I'd love to be able to use it instead of saying 'they' all the time. Anyway, that's a lot of information for them to give someone they don't really know/like, especially as they've just made a point of telling the reader they don't like to talk about it. It's kind of a contradiction.
How do they know that?
I see that this is trying to break the 4th wall, but maybe you could make it a bit clearer as it starts to get confusing by the end of this section.
So I think the pacing here could be slowed right down to allow us to keep track of what's going on. And please, give your character a name xD It's much harder to connect with them without one!
Icy
I'm back for the third review of your story! And I must say, this is getting better with every chapter. I really loved the way the protagonist is aware of his role and how the characters seem to be aware of their status of fictional characters(I especially liked it when Isac 'read between the parenthesis'). This was a very fun read and I hope you keep up with that theme.
Anyway, as for the grammatical stuff, you improve with every chapter. I only noticed a few things.
#1: There were still one or two uncapitalized 'i's, but overall all good on that front.
#2: 'I can’t even phantom.' Here, I believe you meant to use the word 'fathom'. the word phantom means ghost or spectral figure.
#3: 'just to hide the true meaningless' right there, the word meaninglessness would fit better.
And that's all the suggestions I have for you. I hope this helps you!
Hello man! Thanks for showing up again for another chapter
I started using Grammarly to edit my chapters before publishing, so i guess you can thank the grammar improvements to that, lol.
Thanks for pointing out the #2 and #3 parts, I didn't even notice, so that really helped.
Thanks for always showing up and I hope to see you again in the next few chapters!
I'm back for the third review of your story! And I must say, this is getting better with every chapter. I really loved the way the protagonist is aware of his role and how the characters seem to be aware of their status of fictional characters(I especially liked it when Isac 'read between the parenthesis'). This was a very fun read and I hope you keep up with that theme.
Anyway, as for the grammatical stuff, you improve with every chapter. I only noticed a few things.
#1: There were still one or two uncapitalized 'i's, but overall all good on that front.
#2: 'I can’t even phantom.' Here, I believe you meant to use the word 'fathom'. the word phantom means ghost or spectral figure.
#3: 'just to hide the true meaningless' right there, the word meaninglessness would fit better.
And that's all the suggestions I have for you. I hope this helps you!