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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Neighborhood Tales: The Tale of a Hedgehog (Chapters 1 and 2)

by MaxaM


Chapter 01.

“Hey, Lucius, do you happen to know that Isac guy from our class?”

“Drakenberg? Well, he sure is a quiet one. I don’t know much outside the rumors, but I imagine those aren't what you’re looking for.”

“Yeah...”

Me and Lucius were hanging out on the backside of the school after class ended like we always did since summer vacation. He was doing his homework like a diligent student probably should, and I was laying down on the grass, my mind on the... event that I just witnessed on my way here. I mean, it’s not everyday that you see thorns painfully coming out of a guy’s skin, and even tough it probably would be best if I just erased that from my memory, as someone who probably had the means to help, I simply couldn’t do it.

And all that leads to my questioning to Lucius here and now.

“But why the sudden interest on Isac? You are not the kind of guy to get interested in someone out of nowhere, did something happen?”

Lucius asked, giving me a side look without even stopping writting.

Well, you got me there.

“Nothing much, I just got curious because of his reputation and all, do you think he actually stabbed somebody?”

Let’s see if this works.

Lucius chuckled.

“I think it’s not very likely, it would be pretty hard to get into a highlly regarded school such as this with a criminal record, and also, even tought he can be seen as scary, he actually used to be a pretty kind person.”

He’s got a point. Wait.

Used?

“Hey Lucius, you said ‘He used to be a pretty kind person’, does that mean that you knew him?”

“Well, as I said, I don’t know much outside of the rumors, but I happened to go to the same middle school, and from the few we talked and from what our commom friends back then told me he was a really nice person, and even helped people doing poorly on his class to get back on their feet, but apparently arround eighth grade he... changed, for the lack of a better word, and became who we know today. That’s about all i know.”

That’s definelly more than I do.

“Heh. So, what do you think happened for him to change this drastically?”

“Talking behind people’s back? That’s not very respectable of you.”

“Guh...”

He teased. That hurts.

“But if I had to say” Lucius started “I feel it's more like he realized something, and adapted to that than necessarily 'changed'. But that is just what I think.”

“Adapted, huh...”

That’s a rather interesting way of putting it, but what could make someone shift their attitude so much? It really seemed like he had rounded himself with walls, and walls with spikes that pierced anyone who came close.

Does he feel lonely, I wonder.

I don’t think I can do anything about his walls, and really, his life is none of my business, I shouldn’t even be talking to Lucius about him, but... I really want to help him.

Cut that, who am I trying to deceive, I just want to help myself.

But I already decided that at least, I would give him the option to help himself.

After that short dialogue, we stayed silent for quite a few minutes until Lucius, against my will, made me do my homework with him. We stayed there until school closed, and then, he walked me home, and I started worrying myself on how to approach Isac the next day.

Chapter 02.

Before we continue the story, why don’t we regress bit to the moment where I witnessed that event with Isac, I think this will help move the tale along.

It happened after classes ended, I needed to go to the bathroom, but since I didn’t, or better, don’t, really have a really nice self-image, I prefered to go to the single-stall bathroom that our school had, which is a fair distance away from my classroom.

On my way there, I happened to see someone trying to talk to Isac, something very unusual since by this point it became very clear that attempts to approach him would be turned down with cold rejection, and the thing most noteworthy of it all was that the interaction lasted more than 5 seconds, wich was the time they were on my field of view, but, unsurprisingly, it did not seem to last much longer than that, since a couple of moments after I witnessed him dashing down the hallway in the same direction i was heading.

Looking back at it now, I wonder if my life would’ve been the same if I just had turned back at that moment, it probably would have been, in the end, I probably would have reached the same conclusion, but if you really think about it, we all reach the same conclusion at the end don’t we? But it’s not that conclusion i’m talking about, i’m referring to the end of my story, independently of my choice there, my arc would end the same way, but, personally, I think it would have had way less value.

You may think that my choices right there were ‘keep going’ or ‘turning back’, but if anything, it was more like ‘go on’ or ‘stay still’, and looking at it that way, i’m really glad I decided to go after Isac.

You may have noticed that I changed my wording, or better, my approach towards Isac in this last line, and that way of thinking would be pretty accurrate.

What brought me to change my stance?

The face he made while storming off.

He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t sad, he wasn’t frustrated, he was looking genuinelly hurt.

And for some reason, I really couldn’t stand leaving him like that.

It’s none of my bussiness.

I shouldn’t get involved, most likelly the guy didn’t want anyone involved, most likelly he didn’t want any help, but... I wanted to at least learn why he was so upset.

And with that mindset I ran behind Isac’s silhouette

The destination was pretty ironic, he was running to the same place I was trying to arrive at before seeing him, the practice building with the single-stall bathroom, wich was empty at the time, but then, sudendly he stopped running and in the empty hallway he put his hands on his knees abruptly.

“H-hey Isac...”

“Don’t look!”

He yelled at me, and then I witnessed, the event I mentioned on the first chapter.

After yelling at me he spat out a gruesome yell like his throat was being pierced and shrunk into the ground like something was pushing him, and then

A thorn came out of his back

A fucking thorn, 

And then came another one, and another one and they just kept apearing, each one looked like they were growing from his skin and when they grew large enough they just pierced it and became porcurpine-like thorns.

He was curled up in the ground.

Crying and screaming, but his screams were muffled up, he was bitting his coat to muffle them, muffling them so no one could hear, and in this way, he suffered

Like a hedgehog that leaved the group on the winter. Pretty much dying

I just stood there, dumfounded,

What the heck just happened?

What the heck is happening?

No, actually I knew what was happening, I was just shocked. A scene such as this could only have one cause:

An aparition, or like someone I know calls them; neighboors.

I am telling you my toughts now, but I won’t lie, I took my sweet time to be in shock at the moment.

“Ghhh!... Ah!”

At that moment, I stoped looking away from the situation in front of me, and I saw all of those thorns get back into his skin on a nothing short than agoniating way, i’ll leave that one up to your imagination.

After all that I tried to talk to him, but this is how he brushed me off:

“Get away from me you incopetent nobody. I don’t need your help.”

Please, you can’t even walk.

But part of me was simply hit by those words, and I couldn’t help but watch his back as he stumbled his way through the halls.


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Tue Sep 22, 2020 7:09 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Right, on to chapters one and two! To be honest, I think you can probably combine these chapters into one. They aren't very long on their own and they're both closely linked enough that they would make sense as one longer chapter.

I was laying down on the grass, my mind on the... event that I just witnessed on my way here.

I think this is overly vague. I see that you're trying to bring in some mystery for the reader but honestly I don't think it works too well. I would reshuffle the order of the chapter so the reader actually has your narrator experience the event at the beginning of the story. I think this would capture the attention of your reader far more and make them more likely to read on.

The other big thing for me is that we never actually find out the name of your main character. I know their best friend is Lucius and that something happens to Isac but it's hard to get invested in your narrator when I know literally nothing about them.

My other point is very much in line with what Carlito has said below: show not tell! I want to experience these things alongside your narrator, not be told about them. It adds depth to your narrative and also makes the rest of your characters seem more three dimensional - I want to get invested into these people!

An aparition, or like someone I know calls them; neighboors.

this was an odd line to throw in without offering any additional explanation.

i’ll leave that one up to your imagination.

Make sure to capitalise I'll! Also, try to avoid leaving these kind of things to the reader's imagination if possible - this would be a really great time for you to write some wonderful descriptions :)

I haven't focussed on many nitpicks here because I think the flow of the story is more important to start off with but I'm happy to look through any future drafts for spelling/grammar issues too!

Hope this was helpful - let me know if you have any questions and I'll do my best to answer them

Icy




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Thu Sep 03, 2020 12:55 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!! I have a few big picture thoughts about these two chapters.

1. I appreciate that you're getting us right into the action and that right off the bat we get to see this supernatural thing that you mentioned in your summary! I want you to flip your chapters though. I think it would be more effective if in the first chapter we see the event and if chapter two was processing the event. All throughout chapter one I was asking myself who are these people and what happened, and then I learn more in chapter two. I don't want to be confused in chapter one, readers won't want to read on if they're confused.

2. I want more showing. I think I mentioned this in the prologue review, maybe not. I think you have some interesting bones here in this story! I always like when there's a relatively normal world and then something happens that throws the main character into this kind of supernatural or fantasy world, which is what this story feels like so far. I think when you go back to do your next draft (finish your first draft first before going back to edit so you have the whole thing to think about and work with!) one thing to think about is adding in more showing overall.

I mentioned the narration style in the prologue chapter, and while you can definitely stick with this narrator feel I think no matter what you should try to incorporate more showing. I don't want to be told about seeing what happened to Isac, I want to feel like I'm there seeing it happen with the MC with my own eyes. There are lots of great articles on YWS about how you can add in more showing if you're not sure how!

3. Finally, I want to know more about these characters. Even though it's early on in the book, I don't have a feel yet for their personalities or who they really are. I'd love to see some "normal" with the main players before everything starts going sideways. And this will be achieved through showing as well. I don't want to be told someone is smart and funny and nice, I want to see that they're smart and funny and nice by the way they interact with others and the world.

I'm looking forward to reading on and seeing how this develops further! Let me know if you have any questions and I'll see you in the next part tomorrow! :)




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Thu Aug 20, 2020 5:07 pm
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WaterSpout wrote a review...



Hello and belated welcome to YWS, MaxaM.M! I hope you're enjoying it here as much as I am.
I am going to have to be fast because online class starts in, like, thirteen minutes. I am, however, going to keep writing in my lunch break, so I hope it doesn't sound rushed. I did enjoy this story, though, so if I sound as if I'm nitpicking, please don't take it personal. Hopefully you find this useful and in no way offensive.
Without further ado, I'll get started.

“Drakenberg? Well, he sure is a quiet one, i don’t know much outside the rumors, but i imagine those aren't what you’re looking for.”

^This is a run-on sentence. Consider changing that comma to a period. And I noticed you haven't capitalized many of your "I's." This could be the result of hurrying, but I'm not holding it against you.

Me and Lucius were hanging out on the backside of the school after class ended like we always did since summer vacation>,< he was doing his homework like a diligent student probably should, and i was laying down on the grass, my mind on the... event that i just witnessed on my way here>,< i mean, it’s not everyday that you see thorns painfully coming out of a guy’s skin, and even tough it probably would be best if i just erased that from my memory, as someone who probably had the means to help, i simply couldn’t do it.

^ O-O
Is all of this a sentence? This one is definitely a big run-on. I bolded the commas that could work as periods instead. Oh, and I think you meant 'though.'
After coming back here in my lunch break, I noticed Lezuli said what I pointed out. And they offered grammar tips, so I don't know how relevant my review is at this point. Well, I hope this can be useful to you anyways.
With caution,

WaterSpout




MaxaM says...


Hello man! To be honest, i quite like nit-picky reviews, those generally point out small things i wouldn't have noticed normally and that most people would just normally ignore, and since i want my writing to be as good as it can be, it's really important to notice the small stuff.
The "i" thing is more of a translation problem if i had to say, because in portuguese we don't capitalize this first person pronoum, so i guess that it became a habit, but i'll work on it.
The lenght of the setences i can't defend, i just don't know when to stop lol, but thanks for pointing out.
Your review was quite usefull to me and i'm happy you liked those chapters as a whole, i hope to see you again next chapter!



WaterSpout says...


No problem :)
I hope I can read them, with school and such. But I'll try!



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Thu Aug 20, 2020 4:40 pm
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Lezuli wrote a review...



Hello, I am Lezuli and I shall be reviewing this work today.
My first impressions was that this was an interesting story, your main character seems like a fun person to read about. His desire to help people even against their own will certainly makes for a good hero.
As for the things I think you could improve, allow me to start those.
#1: You have quite a few very long run-on sentences where, instead of a period, you use a comma. The third paragraph is actually one entire sentence and there are a few more instances of that throughout the work. To fix it, simply add some periods where appropriate, like this-
"Me and Lucius were hanging out on the backside of the school after class ended like we always did since summer vacation. He was doing his homework like a diligent student probably should, and i was laying down on the grass, my mind on the... event that i just witnessed on my way here. I mean, it’s not everyday that you see thorns painfully coming out of a guy’s skin, and even tough it probably would be best if i just erased that from my memory, as someone who probably had the means to help, i simply couldn’t do it." There are a few more places where you do something similar, so just go back and watch out for that.
#2: When you use 'I' in a referral to a person, you have to capitalize it.
#3: 'He teased, quite literally since i really felt tazed.' I don't understand what you mean in this sentence, perhaps you could re-write it to make it a little more clear?
#4: You spelled 'likely' as 'likelly' and a few other words with one too many 'L's. That's an easy fix too!
And that's all I got for you! I hope this helped you improve your work somehow!




MaxaM says...


Hey man, thanks for your review! I guess the long periods are a bad habit of mine, but i'll pay more atention to it, and also most of the times when i use a comma instead of a dot is because i separated that word or setence for emphasis, but i'll see what i can do about it.
The writting of some words are a bit tricky for me since i'm not a native speaker, so those grammar tips help me lot.
Thanks for everything and i hope to see you again in the next chapter!




"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984