A teasing star grows bigger,
and bigger,
and bigger,
coming towards me with
its warmth.
Cold stone wraps around
me
like a blizzard,
blocking the warmth,
pushing me,
forcing me to dig further down.
No matter how far I dig
the star still comes closer,
now a Sun once more,
but I still can't feel the warmth,
the blizzard
tightens it's
hold;
choking me.
I can't breathe,
I want out ,
I NEED out!
The star turned Sun just
watches.
I continue to claw
down in escape,
Dirtied,
Bloodied,
Pained fingers,
slowly turning numb,
unable to move.
A kind,
friendly feeling washes over me briefly.
I turn up,
the star turned Sun
was gone,
just as I felt it's warmth.
I'm thirsty,
and cold.
Maybe I'm just a root.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,790 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hello Markontheworld!
I like it! This too you shaped into the thing you were writing about, quite imaginative. I wonder what the tree (3) is about, a tree, then a root, Maybe a leaf? I don't know. But I must find out. So fare thee well Markontheworld!
~Kelpies
Uni here for a review!
I love this! It is very interesting, and the imagery is beautiful! So let's dig into this poem.
In the first stanza, when you said, "Coming towards me with/ it's warmth..." But then you said, that you can't feel it's warmth. I dunno, maybe you could change the wording in the first stanza to kind of suggest this before you say you switch the feeling...
Anyways, keep up the great work!
~Uni
Afterwards I wrote "Cold stone wraps around me like a blizzard, blocking the warmth." Insinuating the "me" being referred to in this poem felt it, but then it was torn away from her. Thanks for the review! =^_^=
Your welcome!
Hello! Here for the second part.
At first I was going to say "why don't you just put them all in one poem?" But now I can see why. It's a completely different mood and voice and situation.
The trouble I'm having with this one is that I can see the "human" side of this and how it relates to emotions and such, but I can't really see how this works with a plant, or even just a root. Is the star/sun really the sun? Don't roots never see the sun? It feels like every other paragraph is positive, and the other ones are negative. Perhaps I just don't understand.
Other than this, I basically have the same praises that I had for the other one. You had wonderful descriptive details, and you use a lot of words with strong connotations for negative/positive.
I liked the star/sun imagery, but I felt it got a little repetitive, and it was also a bit vague.
Also:
The image of stone physically wrapping around something... It's just not a coherent image. Stone doesn't wrap. Perhaps dirt or clay or something more malleable could do the wrapping. Or you could find a verb that is more like stone.
Othewise, I liked it!
Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis
Thanks again! =^_^=
Hello! KatyaElefant here to review! I must say I love this poem!
Okay criticism first. I have to or you will feel bad at the end. I feel like when you say the and biggers, you should have one more. When I read it out loud, it must seems to miss that but that is just my silly opinion. I have a question! *raises hand*. What is this a fan fiction for? This confuses me a bit. I can't really criticize you because you did an awesome job with the poem. There are some places where are misplaced commas, commas that don't belong and commas that need to be there. If you want to know those, then ask me. If you can figure it out yourself, then okay!
Now for the things that I love. I love the imagery. The one hope that appears and then all of a sudden, it looses all hope. I am still a little confused but I like this poem a lot! The idea seems good! I wonderful example about what a poem should look like! Keep up the good work! Keep writing!
The Fanfiction part is because I wrote it in the POV of Melinda Sordino from the novel Speak. It makes more sense if you read A tree first by the way. Also thank you for the review it was really helpful! =^_^=
Oh my gosh! I love Speak!
Yeah, Laurie Halse Anderson is an amazing author! =^_^=
First off, cool! Why don't you have any reviews on this?
Second off, (tiny, yet annoying) grammar mistake!
Here you should be using "its" "'s" is used for possession in all but "it". Here, it's = it is and its = the thing that belongs to it.
Now, to the poem. I am not quite sure what it is about, but I am quite sure that that's quite alright, as it's poetry and one doesn't really have to understand it so long as one knows that it's good. In this case, I think that you're speaking of the shrinking away from warmth that you develop in its presence and the need you feel for it when it is removed.
Your metaphor is quite astute, though maybe also a little obtuse. I imagine the star, on its trajectory towards the speaker, coming closer like a face. You know, the way some people can't stay out of your space? Yet obviously this star brings a desirable warmth.
I might nag that I feel the blizzard a too chaotic image to properly convey (what I know as) a more frozen, numbed experience, in which it is impossible to allow others close proximity to you. In the same vein, the star seems too hot, too bright. That kind of heat is obliterating.
Lastly, I would say that I would have been perfectly happy had you finished the poem on the second-to-last line. It feels concluded here, both regarding contents (there's no need for further metaphors!) and structure.
Keep on making good poetry!
It makes more sense if you read A tree first. As for the its it's thing, that was autocorrect. Thanks for the review!=^_^=