Starting as a seed
in the ground,
watered properly,
Sun's rays encouraging it to grow.
It does.
Days,
weeks,
and months pass,
now a beautiful oak,
branches out- stretched
toward the Sun,
a feeling of serenity passes over.
From Spring, slowly growing,
to Summer, fully grown,
then Fall, temperature drops and leaves abandon the tree,
finally Winter, the tree dies.
With branches still out-stretched,
clinging toward
Hope,
a necessity to survive.
A cold wind blows,
and b l o w s,
a n d b l o w s,
knocking the now old oak over.
Watch as it falls,
the light fading around me,
stupidity,
shame,
loneliness,
and fear,
pulling me down a dark hole;
fear's the strongest.
Hope just watches.
It grows smaller,
and smaller,
while the hole gets deeper,
but with a thud,
the seemingly never ending
hole ends.
Just my size.
Hope nothing more
than a teasing star now,
as it twinkles in,
and out,
until
it fin-
-ally
dis-
-ape-
-ars.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,343 Literary Works • 672,931 Reviews
Hello Markontheworld!
This is amazing! I like what you did with the words, making the outline of a tree. It is also quite meaningful. The whole life of the tree, and it's last dying moments. It's beautiful. I have no pointers, I rarely do when it comes to poetry, you can't really re-word poetry, it is what it is. I shall read the tree (2&3). Won't keep you.
~Kelpies
Thanks! =^_^=
Hello! This was simple and beautiful.
The major complaint that I have is that it seems to me that you have two completely different concepts here, and you never have a nice transition from one to the other. The tree fell over, and suddenly we're hearing about a "me." It was jarring, and that's not good.
I would understand if this "me" person is mimicking the life of the tree, but I missed the whole "growing part."
If you didn't want to repeat the growth, you should have stated earlier that both you and the tree are the same so that I could get that into my head.
If this isn't what you were trying to convey, the I'm really not sure where the two things fit together.
You used beautiful words and poetic devices in this. You especially used descriptive imagery, so much so that I could really picture this. You also used words with impacting connotations.
I liked the two different ways you spread out the words-- with spaces and with the -dashes.
Other than these particular things, nothing stood out to me. It was really a nice, simple poem that just needs a little bridge in the middle for clarity.
Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis
Thank you! Sorry about the confusion, it's just that since I wrote this in the POV of Melinda Sordino from speak I didn't see the purpose in stating they were the same. Still thanks! =^_^=
Hello.
This is a really simple but effective work. And it's been cleverly organised because it actually looks like a tree! I don't know whether that was intentional or not.
There's a lot of commas and broken up lines and spacing between words which is intelligently organised.
The way you have segregated the parts of the poem to make it so original is what makes this work seem interesting even though it's only about a tree! XD So clever
Your language isn't particularly extravagant but in this case it doesn't need to be.
This is my favourite bit:
Keep writing.
~R
Thank you! I didn't even it looked like a tree 'til you pointed it out. By the way, do you have any suggestions for spacing I've tried before, but it always kept grouping back up.
Put <br> between the lines to make them space evenly. Usually works.
Thank you! =^_^=