You are the sun wherever I go,
parting clouds and halting storms,
shattering a window in my dark.
You are the sun melting my path,
making frosty frown and the magic fade,
dissolving the iceberg to save my ship.
You are the sun uneven in attention,
blowing wind and raising tides,
keeping me in line to help me grow.
You are the sun always pushing for the rainbow.
You are MY sun,
but sometimes I'd like to watch the stars,
to sprout through the snow,
to crash,
to burn,
to stand on my own,
to refract in another direction,
sometimes I'd like to feel the rain.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
A wonderful nature poem!!! I really liked how you changed from "You are the sun" to "You are MY sun" which gives off possession, powerful emphasis, and it's a strong sentence. I like the lines: "shattering a window in my dark", "making frosty frown and the magic fade", dissolving the iceberg to save my ship", "to crash", "to burn", "to refract in another direction", and "sometimes I'd like to feel the rain". Those are negative, but important in the friendship of the sun and the plant life.
Hope others read this one and like it! Happy writing and a great review day! May the best benders win!
"You are the sun always pushing for the rainbow is an excellent line. Most people would agree that it is positive and happy, hopeful too. It's like the sun is an eternal guide to plants.
I really, really enjoyed reading this piece! It was soft, gentle, kind... and towards the end became almost detached (the plants from the sun), defiant, and stronger, with more bold lines. That's something epic in young writers, like you, to be able to dampen the mood on purpose and have others notice all the abundant creativity.
Overall, this was a great piece to read, and not just because it's Review Day. I liked how the meaning was given off as innocence then isolation. The first stanza made me wonder if the sun was like a curtain:
You are the sun wherever I go,
parting clouds and halting storms,
shattering a window in my dark.
Curtains part things (sun parts clouds), halt storms (window behind curtain prevents storms from wetting things inside a house, store, etc.), and shatter windows in my dark (when curtains are closed, it's dark. When they're opened, it creates windows of light in the darkness.)
I had no negatives or dislikes here, and I liked how you set the poem up. It has unique style, and it was wonderful in my opinion after I finished reading it.
Really nice! Feel free to check out my work under my author name CatLover211.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this, and not just because it's Review Day. I liked it for the innocence turned into isolation mainly. The first stanza made me wonder if you described it like a curtain-
Thanks for the review! However, curtains don't part things, they're parted. I was going more for the clouds, and the storms having that image. Again thank you for the review, and I look forward to reading some of your work!
Hello!
I know this seems backwards, but I love your ending! It's like... I love you, but... and that's just beautiful I love it love it love it. Okay. That said, your word choice plays a huge part in how this poem makes me feel. All of the nature words promote this happy feeling, that blossoms and... *sighs*
The capitalization of "MY" seems kind of weird here. "You aren't anyone else's sun, you're mine." It sort of feels clingy, which isn't what you want if you're trying to distance yourself from the person (at the end). My advice would be the leave it as "my" and let it flow better.
Also, the line about dissolving the iceberg to save the ship... it feels very awkward to me. I would use a different comparison. You don't have to, just my opinion, but I don't think that the sun could dissolve an iceberg fast enough in order to save the ship. It doesn't strike me as something that the sun would be associated with.
That's it for now. Again, I love the ending. Keep writing!
-Grace
Hey thanks for the advice! That's kind of why I used the Sun, while it's true the Sun wouldn't melt an iceberg with ample enough time, it would do so to a degree where the iceberg wouldn't cause enough damage as it would originally. Thanks again for the review! =^_^=
Hey Markontheworld,
First of all thanks to write it. Now it's review time......
This poem is really good. It holds the actual emotion of nature. Your message is really impact-full. I am agree with Sunset101, he gives you few reasons to edit the poem. So, I hope you will take it seriously.
Hello! This is a very sad and a very humorous poem. You have done well to capture these polarizing emotions. The overall tone of the poem is strong and the emphasis on certain words and phrases such as: "You are MY sun" have a powerful impact.
I think you have used clever diction here as well as organizing your ideas thoughtfully. Good job!
Good job, this poem was a perfect amount of description, but not too much of it. Some poems can have too much description in them which makes it unclear of what it's about or makes the poem itself feel like it's too crowded.
But in this work, you did great! I just had one thing that I noticed near the end. Everything else is fine though, so we'll start on what I liked. First thing was
I loved how this line was all by itself so it could stand out. That made me feel like it was really realistic.
I also loved: and so on. That was a descriptive stanza. I think you could've change something though, there in the last line of that stanza.
I think that it could work for either "shattering" or "opening".
At the last stanza, on the last line, I have a suggestion for you. You wrote "sometimes I'd like to feel the rain". I think you can have that all by itself and then it will be more strong when someone reads it. So then it would look like this:
Don't you think it would emphasize that line a bit? Still, I hope you think about that for the future if you won't change that.
Keep writing, @Markontheworld!
~ Sunset101
Oh I see what you mean in the last stanza! Thanks for the advice! As for the shattering thing I meant to show it as a boarder line unwelcome thing, you know? Anyways thanks again for the review! =^_^=
P.S. Can I call you shimmer? I have this thing with nickname's pretty much anyone I come across gets one.
Okay, Shimmer!