Eyes of...

Hello again Markontheworld!

I like this one just as much as the others. But this time I can't tell what you have shaped with it. Forgive me. Keep it up! Maybe you could post something on my wall next time you publish some poetry. Just think about it.

~Kelpies

Hello, Chips here with a review!

Well, I thought this poem was certainly unique and different, which was interesting. It seemed to show a journey of different people relating to their I colors. The formatting, in my opinion only worked at certain points of your poem, at other points it became confusing and somewhat disorganized to follow.

I have a few suggestions for your poem which may be of help to you.

"Eyes of black,

Eyes of brown,

Eyes of gray,

Eyes of blue,

Eyes of green,

Eyes of lavender,

red,

and hazel."

This felt more like a list of endless descriptions, it became repetitive which began to make it lose sight of what its intended to mean. I feel like the format structure also contributes to the list like feel of this section.

As an overview, I didn't really find this poem direct to understand when reading it initially, i felt like a lot of ideas not coherently placed where they should fit.
However I do think this poem does have plenty of potential, it has some great metaphors and I love how you begin to build an atmosphere towards the end.

"It matters not if they fall,

but

if

they

take

off

once

more."

I think this was the best part of your poem because the formatting only fit this as you're building a kind of momentum to the end.


Hope this helped.

--Chips

Hello

When I started reading this I noticed the structure became quickly chaotic. And at first glance it looks somewhat childish, but on closer inspection it's actually quite clever. The fact that you mention differences in your writing creates a good, solid image with the fact that the layout of your poem is different from that of the average poetry too. Very clever.

but

if

they

take

off

once

more.

Hi there!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

First of all, I have no idea what the point of this poem was. The first part is just a list of eye colors, and then we have eyes jumping off of cliffs and flying? It left a strange image in my mind. Perhaps the point of the poem was that you can work through anything and be free once more. If this is the case, the poem needs more clarity, and less eyeballs.

The poem is very listy. We don't need all of the eye colors you list, nor the pain and tarnish and stuff in that section. Say something once well enough, and you don't have to repeat or provide other examples.

I don't understand why you chose eyes. Why wouldn't you just choose people? This poem is about overcoming obstacles, and eyes are only one part of a person. Perhaps narrate one person's climb to the top instead of all these eyes. It leaves a strange image in my head, one of disembodied eyeballs jumping off mountains and climbing. The poem would be more powerful if the images weren't strange.

You need more concrete imagery in your poem. It will anchor us within all the abstractness. You have a good few: the sun's rays burning and the wind caressing. Add more of these concrete images so we can see what's going on rather than just imagine eyeballs.

The formatting at the end of the poem is interesting because it indicates falling, but it's not really doing it for me. It's not quite committed enough to make an impact. Maybe actually make the words
f
a
l
l
instead
of
words
falling.
if that makes sense.

This poem doesn't really make me feel anything. Try including images that might strike a chord with the reader. Rather than jumping off a cliff and flying, which not many humans have ever done, try providing something else that is more familiar to the readers that still invokes a sense of freedom. Think: what makes you feel free? Then incorporate it into the poem. Familiar images help readers understand the poem.

Altogether, you have some potential, as the subject matter can fit well into a poem, but it still needs some polishing.

I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy writing!