The stage is set,
the world's eyes on the stage,
eyes of a predator ready to pounce,
you want to run,
you want to hide,
but they pounce,
and your failure is imminent.
You can't run,
you can't hide,
palms are sweaty,
and throat is dry,
sore from countless screams unheard.
You wait,
and wait,
and watch the scene play out,
brothers falling
one by one,
kicked,
bashed,
and scratched.
Blood is splattered all around,
you want to run,
but your feet are stuck to the ground,
you look
you're alone,
not a soul to be found.
The world's eyes are now on you,
greed shines brightly,
you feel them bore into
your skin,
and set it a blaze.
White flames lick across your skin,
your muscles,
and your bones,
ripping away at each layer slowly,
it burns,
and it stings,
but you still can't fall.
The eyes of the world,
no eyes of greedy business men,
saunter over,
a grin dances across their lips
as you burn.
It soon falls
along with the flames,
and somehow your still standing,
nothing but a pile of bones.
You slowly heal,
and those eyes dripping in greed
set you a blaze once more,
and this time you fall,
collapsing on stage,
the eyes of the world are pleased,
they wish for an encore.
As you lay on the ground
you watch those greedy men,
with their greasy hair,
blood shot eyes,
and cocky smirks,
sitting on thrones
when your barely breathing.
The flames go out,
you start to heal,
you slowly get up,
knees weak,
legs weaker,
yet still you stand,
and now you'll fight.
You are not a slave,
you are not property,
you are America,
home of the free,
you are a fire work!
Hello Markontheword!
This wasn't what I expected, but the ending clarified everything for me. I could find no errors, plus, it's a poem, if you changed much the flow would be weird. Though I disagree with some parts of the poem, in the eyes of the whole it is correct. Thanks for telling me about this poem! I really appreciate it.
~Kelpies.
This is absolutely perfect. People often forget what the Fourth of July is truly about. People are to
excited about getting drunk or having a long weekend with food and fireworks. But without the soldiers who have fought and gave their lives for us, we would not be able to celebrate this holiday.
This has been mentioned before but firework is one word. Also, I feel like there are some unnecessary commas, but I could be reading wrong. Keep up the good work!
Hey Dogsrule5 here to review, I know the last thing I did I counted as a review even though it wasn't so sorry about that, but this is your real review, but I don't have a lot of time, so I may skip some things I usually do for reviews, but I am leaving for vacation today, so I don't have much time, so sorry about that. Okay let's get started before I do have to go.
Okay as I said earlier, I really love this poem, I am a American, so I really liked your poem, it was beautiful, and poetic. Okay let's get to the review, and the stuff, and nitpicks, and what not.
I really didn't see any mistake and/or nitpicks.
Grammar: Your grammar was good, as was your spelling and punctuation. I also thought every thing was good, like it was good, because I mean I really didn't see any mistakes.
Well talk to you later, I got to go, and keep up the good writing.
Love,
Dogsrule5
Hi, there!
I found two nitpicks, one at the beginning where there were too many spaces between two words, and on the last line: fire work is one word.
I wanted to make that very brief, because they were just so minor, but I thought I'd point it out. Anyways, I agree with the reviewers below: it sent us such a strong, loud message, and what the 4th of July was actually about.
The uneven amount of lines in each stanza didn't bother me much, however the ryhthm did. There was no ryhme scheme, it was kind of all over the place. There were a couple ryhmed in there, but I suggest that if you have ryhming at all through out your poem, it's a certain scheme.
Other than that, I like it! It evoked a strong message, and it was well written. Most of the time the flow was smooth, except in a couple places where it was choppy.
Fantastic job, though!
WillowPaw1~
This was really good, I really enjoyed reading this. The only thing I found wrong with this is your stanzas are not even so I suggest you take out the enter spaces and make it one long thing, or you could even out your stanzas. You could keep you stanzas like that if you want, but just yeah. I will right my big review later, if I have time, if not so sorry, but I have been really busy packing for vacation, because we are leaving tomorrow, so I may not be able to write your review today, so sorry if I cant get to it. Well talk to you later.
This conveyed such a strong message. I love it! btw, I'm an American....
*gives like*
Hi, Markontheworld. This is Pinkie here for a review.
This poem is the best one to me on Fourth of July. It is a meaning of us being in America as citizens. It gave a wonderful and understanding message. I love this poem a lot. You just grand yourself a 'like' and a follower. You are an amazing poet. I really enjoyed this poem. I hope you write more poems. Well, have a nice day and Happy Fourth on July!
Awesome Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Hello!
This reminds me of the old Shakespeare quote about the whole world being a stage. Or at least, in the way it starts.
What Went Well
1. The good variety of line starters 
2. You have good control of punctuation, grammar and spelling etc.
3. You make a good point and do it quickly
Even Better If
1. Some of the stanzas are different lengths in lines etc. too irregular for me
2. It sounds a bit preachy. XD About freedom and stuff
3. The language seems "safe" I feel you could have been a bit more experimental
I enjoyed reading this and I think you've a very imaginative writer.
Well done.
Keep writing.
~R
120,192 Literary Works • 649,009 Reviews
Points: 282
Reviews: 223
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