Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Authors note: I know that there's minimal use of strong language and violence and mature content at the moment but possibilities of this happening later on is high therefore all chapters will be given this rating and possible going up to an age 18+
The Elemental survival games
Chapter 2: Remembering
Friday 20th September 2013
Ben had fallen into a deep sleep only to find that he would be experiencing an elongated sorrowful nightmare of the day his father died ten years ago. “Ben! Come on we have to go see your Daddy!” Called out Ben’s mother Tracy. Tracy was thirty years old had long beautiful black hair just like the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Cleopatra’s hair. She was five feet one inch with hazel eyes, a slight tan. She was a very dignified, honest and kind mum.
“Okay! I’m coming!” Blurted out Ben has he came rushing down the stairs to his mum
“All ready Ben?” questioned Tracy
“Yeah!” Replied Ben. Tracy and Ben entered their car a crimson Ferrari, shining like the Ocean
“Lee sure does like flashy stuff, why does he always have to spend our money on these sorts of things” exclaimed Tracy
“Daddy is going to be okay, right mummy?” asked Ben in a depressing bleak voice
“I’m sure he will be Ben” Replied Tracy with a bright hopeful smile covering her face, Ben suddenly looked hopeful too, whenever his mum smiled Ben always knew things would be all right unfortunately fate had something else in mind this time. As they were driving to the hospital clouds started to form in the sky “hmmm it looks like it’s going to rain, strange the weather report predicted clear sunny skies.”
The two had finally arrived at London Hospital where Ben’s father Lee was trying to recover from leukaemia cancer. Ben’s father was called Lee and he was an extremely well respected man with a lot of pride in being a detective, he was the best detective in the whole of the UK. He was five feet eight inches with brown short hair, hazel eyes. He had a vast amount of intelligence and strength.
Tracy went to the receptionist’s office, she was greeted with a cheery smile as her and the receptionist knew each other “Oh hi Tracy!”
“Hello Rachel it’s been a while how have you been? and what room and wing was is it again?”
“I’ve been feeling great thanks! And Lee Gillies is on the seventh wing and the fifth room, send him my regards!”
“Thanks, it’s been a while since I was here about six months I think, and yes I’ll send him my regards. Come on Ben we’ve got to go see Daddy.” Tracy held out her hand and Ben took it
“Okay, I’ll guide us there!” Ben called out as he started walking there whilst holding his mum’s hand, they had almost arrived to see how Lee was feeling after he had a bone marrow transplant to remove the leukaemia cancer but then….
Out of nowhere a doctor and a couple of nurses came rushing around the corner almost knocking Ben over “Oh I'm so sorry I wasn't looking where I was going!” blurted out one of the nurses
“No it’s okay, what’s happening?” inquired Tracy
“The patient in wing seven the fifth room, he’s dying!”
“Come on Marry! What are you waiting for we've got to hurry now!” Shouted the doctor with an angered expression
“Okay I'm coming!” Replied Marry as she caught back up with the doctor and the other nurse. Tracy’s face turned distraught, her pupils in her eyes enlarged, she regained her senses.
“The seventh wing, fifth room that’s where….Ben we have to hurry now!”
“O-okay” Ben didn't understand fully what was happening but he could tell it was something bad. They arrived at the seventh wing to find the other nurse by the doorway
“Please let me in! My husband is in there!” Exclaimed Tracy
“Your husband?” The nurse looked worried, I’m afraid that... he’s not going to last much longer.” Tracy looked horrified but she still went inside to find her husband Lee lying down on the bed with the nurse called Marry and the doctor from before at the foot end of the bed, Lee was as a pale white as a ghost, he was on death’s door
“T-Tr-Tracy….is that…you…?” Lee had turned his head to his wife and his child. A small smile came across his face “I’m…gl-glad…I could see you….again…before I….leave this world.”
Tracy rushed over to him and hugged him tightly “w-what do you mean, before you leave this world?”
“I….think” Lee started coughing loudly trying to catch his breath “I think you know what I mean” Lee replied back with.
“Da-dad!” Ben called out as he ran over to him. By now the clouds had gotten more dense and rain started pouring from then.
“Ben…heh… you sure have grown up a lot since I last saw you.” Tears were trickling down Ben’s face, he knew what was happening before his very eyes. Tracy turned to the doctor “I thought you said that the bone transplant worked…” Tracy closed her eyes as tears started coming from them.
“The transplant was a success” replied the doctor.
Tracy looked at the doctor furiously opening up her eyes grabbing his collar “THEN WHY IS MY HUSBAND ABOUT TO DIE!?”
“I’m so sorry but we were too late… it spread to another part of his body just before we transplanted his right arm bone and we hadn’t noticed.” Tracy slowly let go of the doctor’s collar.
“Why….why….why did you have to go into that damn nuclear power station”
It was six years ago when Tracy was seven months pregnant with Ben and the football World Cup was happening at the time. Lee was a dedicated and huge fan of football and it was England facing off against France. Lee was desperate to watch it so he took one of his vacation days so he could watch it with his close friend Jack. Jack worked at a nuclear power station and Lee and driven there to give him a lift back to his house where they’d watch it…but when Lee arrived by an unfortunate malfunction with the nuclear station’s cooling mechanism and a nuclear meltdown happening. Lee was shocked gravely by this and despite authorities keeping civilians away Lee had managed to break through the line and saved Jack, but at the cost of exposing himself to major radiation, Jack had only been minimally exposed to it and had no symptoms of radiation poisoning but Lee on the other hand now has leukaemia cancer because of it. After six years because the leukaemia was only discovered five years after the accident Lee had a bone marrow operation done and it was a success but somehow the leukaemia cancer came back and had now affected his whole body, there was no hope left for Lee now….
The doctor explained the situation very delicately to Tracy “Tracy…I'm really sorry we've done everything we can….and I don’t know how to say this but Lee......will die shortly……”
She fell to her knees “no……no……no this….this can’t be happening.” She gripped her face with her hands, unable to speak no longer she started crying as she slumped down onto the floor.
“Tr-….Tracy….don’t worry about me…. I-I’ll be fine…..” Lee spoke with his dying breath still holding onto hope of a miraculous recovery somehow. Tracy slowly turned around to Lee with her mouth covered by her hand. Ben had his eyes closed with tears rolling down his face holding onto his father’s arm. “Tracy…. Come closer to me…..I wan- *cough cough splutter* I want to see your beautiful face…..one last time.” Lee was starting to resign himself over to death, he knew he was just delaying the inevitable. Tracy ran over to Lee’s side hugging him very quick and gracefully with one hand and holding the other around Ben.
“Mum…. Dad……Dad’s going to be okay…… right?” Ben asked with a desperate face. Tracy looked down at him not knowing what to say. The rain started to get even heavier
“Ben…..I’m sorry…..I’m sorry that I have to leave you right now” Lee was apologizing to Ben as Ben looked up at his face he was crying as well, it was the first time Ben and Tracy had ever seen Lee cry before. “I’m sorry for being too weak Ben…..you deserve to have a much stronger father than me…… who can raise you well” Ben started crying out loud “That can look after you…..and play with you every day….. and Tracy.” Tracy looked at Lee’s face closely into his eyes. “I’ve always loved you since the day we met” Tracy started crying out loud as well, both of them still standing holding onto Lee “I remember the first day we met Tracy….do you? It was about…. Twenty-three years ago on the fourth of November….and I remember our wedding…. I remember all of it…. Every single date we had….. every year….. every month….. every week….. every day….every hour…..every minute..... and every precious second…. I remember it all…. And I always will.”
Tracy finally found the strength to talk again. “Yeah…. I remember all of the time…. We spent together.” Tracy was smiling now but still had tears flowing from her eyes. “I’ll never forget all of the time we spent together, you’ll always live on…..in my heart!” Tracy was still trying to hold her smile with the never ending tears pouring from her face her eyes were becoming red.
“NO! I DON’T WANT YOU TO GO DAD!” Ben was still resilient of letting his father leave them.
“Ben I’m sorry…. But this is it for me….there’s nothing else we can do at this point.”
“NO! THERE MUST BE SOMETHING!” Ben shrieked out
“Ben….I only have a few seconds left..... I know I’m being selfish….but could I see your smile again….just one last time….before I pass on….”
Ben looked at his father and mother seeing that they were both smiling whilst crying, Ben looked down and started to smile again and looked back at his father his eyes wide open trying to hold it. The rain unexpectedly stopped and the clouds started breaking apart. “That’s a….. good smile Ben. Just remember whenever that it’s important to smile *cough* every day.” Lee said as he smiled even more now “Ben when I go…. I need you t-“
Friday 20th September 2013
*gasp* Ben awoke from his dream abruptly, he was silent. “Damn it not again! I was so close, what was it that he was going to say to me!?” Ben yelled out as if he was asking the universe for guidance; he slammed his fists down onto the bed, then wiping his eyes as he cleaned the sleep out from them. Ben would have this re-occurring nightmare frequently but the nightmare would stop just before his dad said his final words that he had forgotten. “I will remember them, one day it doesn't matter how long it’ll take I will remember your words and I will carry them out.” Ben recited this promise to himself whenever he awoke from the same dream to his father and to himself to help stay determined on it. He had asked his mother before on several occasions but unfortunately she could not remember them either.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,854 Reviews
Hello there, Doug here to review you.
Now, I would like to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this chapter. Nothing about the plot I would like to change, but there are still plenty of grammatical errors. Now I could just tell you what kinda of errors you have, but I feel like that's not the most helpful. So I did the first 8 paragraphs and maybe once you see the reoccurring mistakes you'll learn about them and fix them.
Paragraph 1
When you are making a list you should always put the word and in there so that it doesn't cause confusion. The word "and" belongs after "old" so that it better clears up what you're trying to say here. There should be a comma after "black hair", because without it, it just sounds like a run-on sentence. Then you should just go ahead and delete the second hair, because when you're describing something it's implied that you are talking about theirs too, unless you forget to add the -'s to the end. Lastly, add an "and" after "eyes,".
Paragraph 2
"has" to "as", though I'm sure you already knew that, you just didn't catch it when writing this.
Paragraph 3
There should be a comma after "ready", because when you are directly speaking to someone using their name or a nickname (bud, sport, son, etc.) you have to put a comma before their name if it's at the end of the sentence, a comma after it if it's at the beginning, or a comma before AND after if it's in the middle. And add a period at the end of the paragraph.
Paragraph 4
You would put a comma after "car" because you're adding information in the sentence, and without the comma it's a run-on. Lower case "Ocean" because it's not a particular name. And add a period at the end of the paragraph.
Paragraph 5
Change the first comma to a period. Capitalize "why" and add a question mark at the end of things. But if you do this, you would have to choose a better word than "exclaimed", because now he's asking a question, not exclaiming. OR!!! What I would do, is redo it all over. "Lee sure does like flashy stuff," Tracy exclaimed. "Why does he... things?" That just sounds a lot better than before.
Paragraph 6
either add a -ly to "depressing" or add a comma after "depressing". Then add a period to the end.
Paragraph 7
There should be a comma after "be" or else it sounds like he is going to turn into Ben. Lower case "Replied". There should be a comma after "bright". Turn the comma after "face" into a period and change the comma after "too" into a semi colon or period. There should be a comma after "smiled". There should be a period after "right". Capitalize "unfortunately". Add a comma after "hospital". Add a period after "sky". "Capitalize "Hmmm". Change the comma in the quote to a period and capitalize "strange", then add a comma after strange. Lastly, who said this? It never says.
Paragraph 8
There should be a comma after "father" and "Lee". Eliminate "Ben's father was called Lee" because you just said that. We can't get repetitive. Change the comma after detective to a semi colon. Add an "and" after "hair,". Delete "of the".
Hope this was helpful and not too harsh. I really like this story, and maybe this will be helpful for you to edit the rest of the story and maybe help you catch these things in the future!
Now that was a great chapter that caught my interest a lot more than the last chapter, that chapter was a lot better in terms of the content level. There was only a few problems I had introducing Bens dad as lee after you've already mentioned him 2-3 times before, this I found quite annoying and somewhat unnecessary as at first I was trying to work out who lee was but then when you explained Tracy was I worked out who lee was. You probably explained that a little too late for my liking, also some words seem to be words that don't go with the sentence which leads me to think that maybe you have used the wrong words at times in some sentences. Other than that though I loved that chapter you have me excited now for the next chapter
Frosting here for your loyal reviewing!
I liked it.
DOWN TO BUSINESS!
Well, sometimes you wrote your quotes in the middle of your paragraph, and sometimes you spaced them. Neither of them were 'right', because each writer has his/her own style. But, don't put it all in one paragraph, or have it spaced. Choose one or the other.
“w-what do you mean, before you leave this world?” That should be..."W-What do you mean, before you leave this world?"
There also wasn't nearly enough commas where there should be, and too many where there shouldn't be.
On a sidenote, this is not an edit, I just want to know,
When are the games going to happen?
-Frosting the Muffin Man
Thanks for the feedback I shall get around to doing some editing and fixing the grammar mistakes, and as for the games themselves they will start on chapter 4. At the moment I need to introduce a lot of stuff about the story like the characters, Ben's father's death as that will become very important later on, things start to get very interesting next chapter though you'll see