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Young Writers Society



The Price of a Soul [Prologue]

by Mageheart


Prologue

She was being followed.

The tears on her pale cheeks had long ago dried; she was too consumed by her fear to feel miserable. Her parents loved to paint pictures of the forgotten downtown alleyways, but she had always chalked it up to them not liking the lower classes. They were predictable like that - if they had seen what she was wearing now, they would have thrown a fit. But she hadn’t cared then. She was going to run away, and they would no longer be dictating her life.

And yet this wasn’t the picture perfect escape she had imagined for weeks upon weeks. She had been followed for the past twenty minutes. She took random turns and entered random streets, but he was almost always there when she turned around. Something about him didn’t feel right, but she couldn’t put her finger on what. Maybe it was how he had bandages on his fingers, or maybe it was how none of his clothes fit quite right. Maybe it was the way he concealed his face underneath a hood. Or maybe it was something else, some inkling of something else that she couldn’t quite comprehend.

Whatever it was, she just had to lose him.

She turned the corner-

-and realized she had come to a dead end.

She spun around, heart pounding in her chest as she stared at the figure at the end of the alleyway.

“You’re Quinn Holt,” he said. There was a strange static to his voice, almost like he was trying to talk over a bad telephone connection or on a radio that was about to give out. He took a step forward, only to pause when she took a step back.

“And?” she asked. Her hands were balled into fists at her side, but she doubted she could swing them. All she could do was dig her fingernails into the palms of her hands.

“I want to make a deal with you,” he said.

She stared.

The man let out a sigh — he was frustrated, but she didn’t know why. Was it because she hadn’t given a response? Answering would solve that, but she didn’t want to agree to something like this when she didn’t even know what the deal would involve.

“I need someone skilled with robotics,” he said. “You’ve won countless competitions. I’ve seen the story on the news. I wouldn’t ask for a deal unless I was certain you could uphold your part of the contract.”

“...Who are you?” Quinn finally asked.

He shook his head. “I can’t tell you unless you agree.”

She took a deep breath. She could do robotics, and it seemed like it was an easy way to get out of this situation. She just had to find out what she would get, and what the “deal” entailed. “So what will I get out of it?”

“I can’t do much right now,” he admitted, “but I can fulfill almost any dream of yours. Money, fame, power - I can give it to you, though I draw the line at anything involving murder, kidnapping, or torture.” 

“Anything I want?”

He nodded.

An idea - a preposterous one - suddenly came to her, but she had to see if it was true.

“Are you the Devil?” she said. “Are you...Are you trying to get me to sell my soul?”

He let out a little laugh - it didn’t last long, but something about it sounded wrong. Yet the noise strangely made her happy, too; something told her he didn’t laugh all that much. “I don’t deal in souls, Ms. Holt, and I’m not Satan. I just have friends in very high places. All I need you to do is to fix a robot. If you do that, I’ll do anything outside of my restrictions.” 

She took another deep breath.

She already knew her answer.

“I’ll do it,” she agreed. “Help me leave my family. Please. I-I can’t stay there anymore. If they could never find me, I’d be happier than I’ve ever been.”

The air suddenly felt heavy with a strange warmth, and, for just a second, she thought she could see a line connecting her heart to the man’s. But that was stupid, wasn’t it?

“The deal’s been made,” he said. “I’m bound to my word, just as you’re bound to yours.”

He pushed back his hood.

Quinn’s breath caught in her throat.

He could have passed for a human, if it wasn’t for the metal showing through artificial skin and the iris of his left eye flickering from blue to dark brown in quick succession as it jerked from one part of his eye to the other.

“You’re the robot,” she managed to get out.

He nodded.

“My name’s Azazel,” he said. She recognized the name - she had heard it before on a TV show when flipping through the channels, though she couldn’t remember which one. “I would have told you before, but I doubted you would believe me until we made the deal. I’m...restricted. I can’t show you my full range of abilities, but I’m a demon. Not Satan, though you’re not the first to confuse the two of us.”

She gulped. “I-I made a deal with a demon?”

“You’re not damned,” he reassured her. “It’s a common misconception. It just means that our souls are bound until we each fulfill our end of the bargain, or until one of us dies. It’s little more than a feeling - it wouldn’t harm your chances of getting into whatever afterlife you desire.”

She glanced at the mouth of the alleyway. Was it too late to back out of this? “But I thought demons were supposed to take souls,” she pointed out. “Aren't you going to bring me down to hell after our deal is done?”

Azazel shook his head.

“Demons simply make contracts,” he said. “Some deal with souls, but doing that would require connections to reapers that I don't have – and wouldn't use, if I had them.”

She took an unsteady breath.

“...So now what?” she quietly asked.

He gave her what could have almost been a smile and held out his hand.

“I help you leave your family,” he said.

After a moment of hesitation, she grabbed his outstretched hand.

Despite knowing that his hand was metal underneath fake skin, she found that it was surprisingly warm.


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Wed Sep 09, 2020 2:52 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi Magebird! I do like concise prologues like this one. It gives just enough information to make the premise clear and encourage the reader to go on. There's quite a bit of exposition through dialogue, but I think it makes sense, given that they're negotiating a deal. The concept is interesting and so is this (kinda?) inter-generational friendship dynamic.

1. I find the dialogue realistic, because of how quick it is, with short sentences and punctuation used to mark pauses in speech. It reads very unobtrusively, which is always good when a lot of a scene revolves around a conversation happening.

2. My favourite bits are the little details, like "tears on her pale cheeks . . . dried" and the "flickering" eye. It does come across a bit odd though that she can see "bandages on his fingers" while he is following her. Is she close enough to see that? Is it nighttime or daytime? Maybe she'd be able to see a flash of white if it's daytime.

3. This might just be me being ~that~ person, but Quinn seems young? I'm assuming that because of how she talks and that she lived with her parents. Following a stranger like Azazel home seems pretty scary to me, even if she's desperate to escape her family. Holding his hand seems a bit too casual/ trusting a gesture at this point in the story.

4. I love your one-line-wonder paragraphs! "She was being followed." is such a neat and apt intro to a suspense story. "He pushed back his hood." is also descriptive despite being so short and creates that sense of surprise that Quinn would be feeling in the reader as well.

Overall, this seems to be a pretty interesting story! I would have loved some extra description here and there to figure out what this alleyway looks like. Style-wise, however, I find the prologue really polished, which definitely does encourage me to read the rest of the novel. I'm not the most experienced with reviewing novels, especially not those of this genre, but hopefully you find some of these comments helpful.

Cheers,
Liminality




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review!

The concept is interesting and so is this (kinda?) inter-generational friendship dynamic.


I never thought of it with that specific kind of wording, but that's so true! I've been joking in my head for ages that Azazel lowkey adopts Quinn, and I'm definitely going to be upset if anyone tries shipping the two of them. >>

2. My favourite bits are the little details, like "tears on her pale cheeks . . . dried" and the "flickering" eye. It does come across a bit odd though that she can see "bandages on his fingers" while he is following her. Is she close enough to see that? Is it nighttime or daytime? Maybe she'd be able to see a flash of white if it's daytime.


Thanks for the suggestion and compliment! I'll make that edit in the second draft. :)

3. This might just be me being ~that~ person, but Quinn seems young? I'm assuming that because of how she talks and that she lived with her parents. Following a stranger like Azazel home seems pretty scary to me, even if she's desperate to escape her family. Holding his hand seems a bit too casual/ trusting a gesture at this point in the story.


I didn't think of that! Thanks for pointing it out. Quinn's definitely on the younger side - I think she's around sixteen at the time of this prologue. :)

4. I love your one-line-wonder paragraphs! "She was being followed." is such a neat and apt intro to a suspense story. "He pushed back his hood." is also descriptive despite being so short and creates that sense of surprise that Quinn would be feeling in the reader as well.


Thank you! I love using them to build suspense. It looks like I succeeded here! :)

[quote]I'm not the most experienced with reviewing novels, especially not those of this genre, but hopefully you find some of these comments helpful. [quote]

I definitely found your review helpful! I know you're the one who's technically supposed to be offering me advice with your review, but I'd be happy to help you with novel reviewing if you ever needed some tips. :)



Liminality says...


Happy to hear it helped! I'll definitely ask if I run into a trouble spot while reviewing :D



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Sun Sep 06, 2020 2:45 pm
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Valkyria wrote a review...



Hello Mage,

I ran into this story a while ago, and I thought I would start at the beginning because it looks intriguing.

First, I like the direction the prologue took. So many prologues start a long time ago, establishing exposition and miscellaneous details. This prologue opens mid-action, featuring the main character and setting the plot off with a bang.

Quinn is good at robotics, and this talent grabs the attention of a demon, who is also a robot. He makes a deal with her: she helps him, and he helps her leave her family.

I do like the subversion with Azazel.

“It’s a common misconception. It just means that our souls are bound until we each fulfill our end of the bargain, or until one of us dies. It’s little more than a feeling - it wouldn’t harm your chances of getting into whatever afterlife you desire.”


He's not linked with Satan, and he doesn't use souls as bargaining tools. I found that pretty funny.

Spoiler! :
I didn't know who Azazel was until I saw your reply below. I started watching Supernatural, so I'm probably going to do the Leonardo Dicaprio meme when I see him :)


I'm really interested in reading more, so stay tuned for more reviews. Great job!
Athena




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review! :)

First, I like the direction the prologue took. So many prologues start a long time ago, establishing exposition and miscellaneous details. This prologue opens mid-action, featuring the main character and setting the plot off with a bang.


Thanks! My favorite kind of prologue is one that throws you right into the action and explains it more later - I blame anime for that. :P

I do like the subversion with Azazel.


Thanks! I also blame anime for that - I wanted to paint demons in a more pleasant light.

I hope you enjoy the rest of the novel!



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Sat Aug 15, 2020 7:02 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi Mage!

I thought of taking a look into your new novel because I have heard from my sources that it's really good. The prologue looks quite interesting. As the scene progressed you got me more absorbed into the story. Our MC appears to be some very talented and skillful person and that's why she has been approached by this humanoid. I am very fascinated that you have brought up such a story and I am eagerly waiting to see how are you going to take this forward in the future chapters. (I already see you have posted a lot recently). My first impression was that it's going to involve some Sci-fi seeing the robotics thing but since you have mentioned it to have supernatural elements, this has further increased my curiosity.

“I don’t deal in souls, Ms. Holt, and I’m not Satan. I just have friends in very high places. All I need you to do is to fix a robot. If you do that, I’ll do anything outside of my restrictions.”

I really liked the way Azazel was talking like a professional. And this whole demon, soul and Satan thing was also interesting. He knew how to play with words and convince the other person. As of now I can see Quinn has got some family issues because of which she wants to get away from them. I am curious to know if this deal is going to bring some positive changes in her life or not. Is that humanoid making her join something immoral or illegal, only time will tell.
(Also I love the title of your novel)
Hopefully I will try to go through your entire novel but that may take some time.
Great work!
Keep writing :D




Mageheart says...


I don't know why I never replied to this review, but thank you for taking the time to review my book's prologue!

I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far - I hope you enjoy future chapters as well! :)



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Fri Aug 14, 2020 1:29 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hey! I saw you've uploaded another chapter so I thought I'd go back to the beginning.

The first chapter is a bit jarring. She says she's running and she's fearful and then starts talking about paintings? It doesn't flow well, and for a first chapter, you need to ground your readers as best you can.

We're starting mid-chase scene; but when did the chase begin? From her home? Had she seen him before? Is he the reason she decided to run away tonight? Had he been following her previously? Lingering in the shadows? Where did he come from? How long had he been chasing her for?

All in all, this is a cool interaction but you seem to jump too quickly into the story. The first chapter should be, as I said, to ground the story. You're throwing the plot right at the reader before we even know who the protagonist is, who her family are, why she wants to run away etc. Yes, you can peel back the layers of her character gradually but its good to at least give the readers something to cling to. All we know by the end of this chapter is she's good with robotics and she's ran away from home.

Hope this helps :)




Mageheart says...


Thank you for the review! It definitely was helpful. This was originally written as a flashback in a roleplay, so it didn't require too much context at the time. I know I need to establish more of Quinn's backstory at the very beginning of the prologue, but I also don't want to have it be too long - it's just supposed to be a prologue, rather than the first chapter. :)





Ah! Duh! I now realise it was the prologue. I%u2019m an idiot haha. Yeah, that makes the ambiguity make more sense.



Mageheart says...


That's okay! It's the first chapter that's listed, so I can definitely see where the confusion came from. :P



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Tue Aug 04, 2020 8:52 am
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Mage!

I saw you've posted a lot of this in one go and I don't usually get the pleasure of starting at the beginning of someone's novel so I couldn't resist coming to review xD

Her parents loved to paint pictures of the forgotten downtown alleyways, but she had always chalked it up to them not liking the lower classes. They were predictable like that - if they had seen what she was wearing now, they would have thrown a fit. But she hadn’t cared then. She was going to run away, and they would no longer be dictating her life.

I really love the imagery here, but not sure it flows well from the beginning of the paragraph. Perhaps you could shift it down a little? Also not sure I'm clear on why her parents would paint pictures of the alleyways if they didn't like the lower classes. The way you describe it here almost romanticises the forgotten alleys... which doesn't fit with her parent's view of them.

Something about him didn’t feel right, but she couldn’t put her finger on what.

Maybe the fact that he's following her, no matter what convoluted route she takes?

“You’re Quinn Holt,” he said.

That didn't take him long to catch her! Maybe you could add a sense more of urgency at the beginning by showing him getting closer?

She took a deep breath. She could do robotics, and it seemed like it was an easy way to get out of this situation.

And isn't she super curious like I am?

Yet the noise strangely made her happy, too; something told her he didn’t laugh all that much.

I love this for character development, but perhaps it would be better placed when she's known him a little longer?

Despite knowing that his hand was metal underneath fake skin, she found that it was surprisingly warm.

Love this!

Ok, I'm hooked! It's a really interesting premise you have and whilst I think the pacing may need a little work, I know that kind of thing often improves as you continue drafting so I won't comment too much on it for now. I really like the name Azazel - it sounds very Neil Gaiman!

Hope some of this helped, and looking forward to reading the rest.

Icy <3




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review! I'm not sure if you saw my wall post, but I actually wrote the majority of this prologue over a year ago - so it's really useful see where I need to revise it/add more!

I'm glad you're enjoying my story. <3



IcyFlame says...


Oh, yes I do remember seeing that post! I'm glad you've posted it <3



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Mon Aug 03, 2020 5:01 pm
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VioletFantasy wrote a review...



Hello @Magebird!
I’m not a very experienced reviewer, but I’ll try my best to give you some helpful feedback. First off, I really like this story! The plot is very interesting and I like how the prologue dived right in. I was hooked to it immediately. You describe everything so beautifully and in-depth, especially Quinn’s emotions.

My favorite part of the prologue is definitely when Azazel(wonderful name by the way) is explaining what he is to Quinn. She is so shocked and slightly mortified at first when she realises that she made a deal with a demon. It was quite entertaining to read.


I have two small suggestions. The first one deals with this sentence: “ She was going to run away, and they would no long be dictating her life.” I think the second half of the sentence would make more sense if you changed “long” to “longer”.

My second suggestion is for the last sentence of the prologue, “ Despite knowing that his hand was metal underneath fake skin, she found that his hand was surprisingly warm.” The word “hand” is used twice in this sentence, making it seem a little repetitive. Try replacing the second “his hand” with “it”.

Overall, this is an absolutely amazing story! I can’t wait to read the next chapter!!
VioletFantasy




Mageheart says...


Thank you so much for your review! (And for liking this work!)

Your review was really helpful - I was actually questioning the wording of the last sentence, too, so it's great knowing that "it" would work better. :)

And I'm glad you liked Azazel's name! I was watching Supernatural right around the time I was giving him one, and I thought it would be fun to use it for him - especially since it's a name that people might easily recognize.

I'll let you know when the first chapter is out!





I%u2019m so glad that I could help!




There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
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