Last Line(s): Issac didn't look convinced.
“...Please?”
Issac let out a sigh. Running his fingers through his
hair, he gave her – and the graveyard – one last cursory look
before walking over to Nolan.
xXx
There was one unspoken rule to contracts that demons rarely broke: never make a deal with another demon. It wasn't that it couldn't be physically done. A connection could still be forged between souls. Demons, however, had a tendency to make deals with other demons to gain power and wealth. On the rare occasion, they would make deals to do something that benefited others, but such a step was rarely needed – as demons would normally handle issues like that using their own abilities. There was no reason to get into debt over something like that. Demon deals, furthermore, rarely dealt with the workings of the human world. Any kind of power climb was dangerous in Hell; it would be seen as a threat by the ruling class.
But there were always exceptions.
Azazel found himself looking at one of those exceptions right now.
Nolan Keene, short-lived actor and current owner of a haunted house. Azazel might have thought it was interesting seeing how the great fell, but Dirix hadn't ever been all that great. He had always suspected it was because Dirix had no drive for making deals. He just liked the luxury that came afterwards.
Still, Azazel would play his cards carefully. There was no point in revealing who he really was. Dirix seemed like just the type of man who would spread and profit off of rumors of his reappearance; it was too soon to make a gamble like that.
“Hello,” Azazel said, giving a small nod of his head.
Dirix puffed on the cigarette he had between his fingers. Something about the way Azazel spoke and held himself must have come across as familiar to the much younger demon, but Azazel knew he would never be able to put the pieces together. He hadn't made a deal with him because they were friends; he had made a deal with him because he knew Azazel always delivered.
“Hi,” Dirix said, tone wary. He puffed on his cigarette again. Azazel knew the ring of smoke that Dirix sent in his direction was intentional, but Azazel wasn't phased. He might have been, if he still had a working pair of lungs. Azazel could have simulated breathing well enough to pass as some other than metallic, but he didn't feel like pretending that the smoke had irritated his respiratory system.
“I'm here to collect,” Azazel said.
Dirix gave him a long, hard look. Azazel noted the signs of unease: the way he tightly gripped his cigarette, how his eyes nervously glanced around in search of someone who felt truly demonic, and of the way he finally lowered the cigarette from his mouth.
“I just paid off the mortgage,” Dirix said. “You can tell the bank they don't need to hassle me anymore-”
“I work for someone other than the bank.”
Dirix paled. “...But he always appears in person.”
“Times have changed,” Azazel said.
Dirix took a step back; Azazel didn't move.
“That doesn't make any sense,” Dirix argued. “Why would he suddenly change-”
His face suddenly relaxed. Azazel tilted his head ever so slightly to the side in confusion. Few people felt relief when he came to collect their end of his contracts. They may have afterwards, when they realize the deal wasn't nearly as bad as it had originally sounded, but never before.
Dirix lifted his cigarette to his lips again. “Prove it.”
“Prove...what?”
“Prove that you work for Azazel,” Dirix said. “He does everything alone. Before I fulfill my end of our contract, I want proof that you work for him.”
Azazel mulled over this request for a minute. It was something that was simple to prove in theory, considering that he was who he claimed to work for, but he quickly realized his lie would be harder to prove than expected. The longer it took for him to come to a conclusion, the more irritated Dirix looked. The robotic body masked his demonic aura. For all Dirix knew, this was a ploy to admit the details of their deal – or take advantage of it.
“Seventeen years ago,” Azazel said, “you made a deal with Azazel to secure a role in a minor film. He would contact someone he knew in the film industry; you would provide him with whatever he requested in the future because you had nothing of interest to him at the time.”
Dirix blew more smoke in his face.
“Anyone could have guessed that,” Dirix pointed out. “You'll have to tell me more than that if you want me to believe you actually work for him-”
Azazel gestured in the direction of the woman Dirix had been talking to. It was hard to tell because of the heavy makeup she wore on her face, but she had her mother's eyes. From the way that Dirix paled again, he knew that his assumption had been right.
“You wanted to do more than act,” Azazel said. He gave Dirix a smile that didn't look quite right; Dirix didn't seem to notice. “You had fallen in love with a human. She had a young daughter from a previous relationship. It was never your intention to tell Azazel – or anyone, for that matter – but he had a chance encounter with the three of you in the park one day while completing his part of another deal. You could have asked for cash, but you wanted your fiance to think that you were trustworthy. You had already told her that you had participated in small performances in the past; she would never question a sudden role in a minor film.”
Dirix lowered his cigarette. His hands were shaking, but he didn't bother to hide how much he was trembling. Or maybe Dirix was – there was a reason why he had never gotten far in his acting career. His eyes frantically scanned the graveyard. He looked at his daughter first, but his gaze quickly shifted to where Quinn was talking with a man dressed as a zombie. Azazel couldn't explain why he did what he did next. He knew that Dirix would never harm Quinn.
But he still took a step forward and gave Dirix a cold, hard look.
Dirix faltered. He took a step back, let the cigarette drop to the ground, and somehow turned a shade even paler than before. “What does he want?”
“Information,” Azazel said.
“O-on what?”
Azazel cocked an eyebrow. “On the disappearances.”
Dirix looked down at his smoldering cigarette. “I already told the police everything. Can't he make a deal with one of them to get their report?”
Azazel resisted the urge to sigh. He certainly hadn't missed this part of deal-making.
“The police know nothing of the supernatural,” he pointed out. “You would have avoided any references to the supernatural when talking with them. Adam Maxwell worked here as one of your employees. You must have had some inkling of what he was. If you give me your best guess and your records on all of your employees, Azazel will consider your deal complete.”
Dirix scratched the back of his head. “That would be a violation of their privacy-”
Azazel gave him another look.
The younger demon gulped and went back to staring at the ground.
“The information is all digital these days,” Dirix hurriedly said. “I'll email the files to you as soon as I can get up to my office. And as for what Adam was...”
He glanced up at Azazel.
“He was a demon,” he finally admitted. “But not from here or down there. I don't want to get on Azazel's bad side, but I doubt anything worthwhile is going to come out of him looking into Adam's disappearance. I don't think anyone really cares that he's gone.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Mage,
I'm hoping to finish your chapters by Sunday.
Nice foreshadowing in the first paragraph.
So, Issac is going to make a deal with another demon is my guess.
Alright, Dirix is a demon, and he's been living as Nolan Keene because he wanted to be an actor.
Okay, so Issac doesn't want to reveal his true identity. I wonder if it's because he doesn't trust Dirix to keep his secret.
Adam's a demon. I wonder if the other missing people are demons too, or other supernatural creatures. Maybe, that hunter from Chapter 2 has something to do with it!
Awesome chapter!
Thank you for your review!
Thanks!
Yup.
You got it! Even though Issac made a deal with Dirix awhile ago, he doesn't necessarily trust him. Even Bell doesn't really know what's going on with him - Issac isn't really the type to outright tell people what's going on his life.
Quinn was the exception.I'm glad my hunter hasn't been forgotten yet. <3
Thanks again for the review!
Hey Mage!
I see you've posted two new chapters of these so I'm desperately trying to catch up. Hopefully I'll get to chapter 4 tomorrow.
Would you still call it a tendency if they don't generally make deals with other demons?
Of course.
So I'm guessing Nolan Keene is Dirix? So another demon is living as a human? This is what I'm taking from it anyway. So I'm interested for Issac to meet him. I also like how you switch to calling him by his demon name now that Quinn isn't around. It leads me to wonder whether that is simply a cover name or whether he is Issac to Quinn as she isn't as comfortable with the fact he's a demon. Or at least maybe he thinks she isn't.
So how does he know who Dirix is?
Interesting, who would he be looking for?
hahaaaa. I also think I've answered some of my earlier questions now.
Oh such a good twist! I love it.
Ok, I'm really getting into this one now. I love having a different PoV to Quinn too - it makes for some good character development.
Hope some of this helped <3
Icy
Thank you for your review! I'm probably going to take a little bit before I get chapter six up - since I haven't even written it yet - so hopefully catching up isn't too bad!
...Good point. >>
I'm glad someone noticed the difference in names! I think Quinn calls him Issac because she's trying to remember not to call him by his actual name - and because she's more used to him going by that name. Azazel, on the other hand, has been around so long that Issac's just a tiny blip on his history, so he probably just thinks of himself as Azazel instead.
Thank you!
It definitely helped! And writing Azazel is fun.
(I'm hoping this book becomes a trilogy, with one book matching up with a member of the future trio that's going to form in this.)
I told you I'd be back C:
a little late but that's okayyyAh I sense a change of POV - let's go!!
Alright, so! Great start - I enjoyed that first paragraph! I bet Issac (it's two s's and one a, I just realized my mistake, my apologies ;-;) is going to make a deal with a demon. Why else would this be mentioned??
Well of course there are, how else would Issac deal with his situation right now?
LoL okay xD
OKAY so Nolan is Dirix and Dirix is a demon but he's not interested in making deals and only enjoys the luxury of everything that happens after, but no pain no gain amirite??
rude
I love this xD
I can imagine the whole scene in my head right now and it's so exciting I feel like shaking both men, my gosh
I dunno why but I sorta like Dirix ngl okay please don't hate me if I'm not supposed to.
*waves around frantically* HE SORT OF IS AZAZEL
Oh my goodness I love contracts so much and Dirix is keeping things interesting and Azazel (Issac?) is being so patient and calm right now and I'm excited with wherever Issac is taking this.
Akol and Aud - I'm sorry I couldn't help it I had to I'm sorry xD*fiancée - feminine, right?
sad
ACK I love this bit! GO, AZAZEL!!
Just when I thought he was going to give them another clue ;-; Who am I kidding though, this isn't a children's mystery book <.<
Prettyyy obvious~ :p
Azazel omg
I KNEW
Oof to that last bit. That was probably the most straight up thing ever. xD 'I don't think anyone really cares that he's gone.' Rude much? >.> I think Adam may have been a special person - ahem - demon, and everyone just blocked him out because of... idek, just 'cause. Tbh though I really wanna know what's up with Adam now because no one really cares and no one can't just not care. o-o Also what does it mean by the "not from here or down there" where is here and where is there?
Hmm I don't think I have much else to say but awesome work on this story!
Keep on writing & Happy RevMo!
~Liberty
I had a really long response to your review typed up, but for some reason it didn't send my review - and it erased all of it.
I'm not sure I can remember all of the jokes I made for it, but it's really cool seeing what you think of the story so far! You're definitely valid in liking Dirix/Nolan, and I love how you think Azazel is pretty iconic - because he is.
Also, I did remember what I put at the very end of my reply:
I like the change in POV. Azazel sounds like an interesting character so its nice to get his side of the story. Although I was left wondering where Quinn was throughout this whole interaction? It would be a good idea to mention where she is.
In the first paragraph, you say'rare/ly' four times. It gets a bit repetitive.
All in all, nice chapter. It feels more like you know what you're writing.
Also, seeing as you like supernatural stuff, would you mind returning the favour and checking out my new novel on here? It's called 'The Rage'. I've got a few chapters up at the moment but they haven't had much feedback.
Thank you for the review!
I haven't really written Azazel/Issac before at this point in his story, so I'm glad that reading his perspective was enjoyable!
The next section actually goes into where Quinn is during the conversation, so hopefully it answers your questions about what's she up to!
I rarely make mistakes like that, so thank you for letting me know about that!
pun very much intendedI'd love to, but I'm already reading a couple of other YWS novels - and I'm not sure I have the time/focus to add another one to the pile. But if you're looking for new reviewers, you should definitely check out the Will Review For Food section of the site for reviewers looking for novels to read! You can also make a wall post about your novel to get lovers of the supernatural genre interested.
AND I'M BACK!!!
I agree with the other review on everything, so I don't have much to say about all that. I do have some grammar to mention, and that's about it. Although, I'd like to add on that your dialogue flows well. Some characters personalities are shown with everything in dialogue, and that's always a great thing.
Here's that grammar I mentioned ---
"You had already told her that you had participated small performances in the past"
Maybe "participated *in* small performances" because currently it sound choppy.
Also, "she would never question a sudden role in a minor films" Right now it's again choppy, so you could take out the "a" or make "films" into "film".
BYE AGAIN!!!!
Hello again!
Thank you! I'm glad the dialogue felt natural.
Also, if you don't mind me asking, what do you think specifically about the character's personalities? It's my first time writing from Azazel's perspective in this book (and a very long time since I last wrote from it in general) and Dirix is a completely new character for me - so I'm curious to see what readers think of the two of them.
And thanks for catching those typos! They definitely weren't intentional, so it's good to know what I need to fix.
Hi, Magebird!
Jacob here, just thought I'd give this work a quick review. Sorry, I haven't had the chance to read all of the preceding stuff, so I'm a little vague on the plot - but I'll give it my best!
First of all, you're writing style is great in this. It's strong, clear, and business-like, which lends really well to depicting Azazel. It's all about deals, contracts... Azazel appears to be a very business-like character, and the writing complements that. It read very smoothly, too. I think you've definitely got something going, here, and I'm definitely intrigued about this whole Adam disappearance thing...
I didn't see any grammar errors, anywhere, though I would like to mention the bit where Dirix is blowing smoke in Azazel's face. Stating outright that blowing the smoke-ring into Azazel's face deliberately could be done more subtly; say, if you had Dirix blew the smoke-ring insolently into his face... describing the way Dirix behaves to convey what you're trying to say, as opposed to explaining it outright. That'll lend more authenticity to the interaction. Oh, and at the end, maybe change "Dirix hurriedly said" to something else - just sounds a bit klunky, is all.
Great story, dude! I'm gonna have to read the rest of this, you've done a great job with the piece!
Jacob
Hey there! Thanks for picking up this work to read, even though you haven't read anything from before it. It's too bad that you didn't pick up 3.1 instead of this one, though - that's the one with the recap.
But this chapter doesn't rely too much on the previous part, so hopefully it wasn't too hard to understand!
Thank you! This section is actually the first time I've written from Azazel's perspective in this book, so I'm glad his personality came across in it. He really is a business-orientated person.
Thank you for the help! I'm someone who always accidentally skims over large descriptive areas when reading, so it's always great getting feedback on how I can make my own writing a little more descriptive.
Awww!! Thank you (again)! If you want, I could tag you when I post chapter four. I don't know how soon that'll be, but it should hopefully be in the near future. <3