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Young Writers Society



The Price of a Soul [Chapter 2.2]

by Mageheart


Last Line(s): Quinn gave a hesitant nod. She wasn't sure she entirely understood what he was talking about, but she was familiar with not feeling at home in a place that was supposed to be hers. She wondered if the halls of Hell – if Hell even had those – felt just as big and empty to Issac as the halls of her old house had felt to her.

She looked out the window and watched as they passed underneath a bridge, gaze lingering on the colorful graffiti covering the concrete support beams.

The hotel they arrived at twenty minutes later was paradise compared to the one that they had been staying in the night before. They hadn't gotten their room key yet, but the lounge across from the front desk had a rich personality to it. The pillars that jutted out from the hardwood floor looked like they belonged in a Greek temple. The carpet that lay between them looked like it belonged to royalty. Every chair had ornate carvings and plush, velvety cushions. It was the kind of hotel that she would have expected to be part of some larger hotel chain, but she hadn't ever heard of Abe's Lodge. The name made her think of cozy log cabins nestled in the woods – it didn't fit the more gothic touch that the building had.

She looked back at the front desk.

Issac was almost finished registering for the hotel. The woman at the front desk apparently hadn't questioned their lack of ID like most hotels did – she seemed content with the wad of cash Issac had pushed their way. But she was studying Issac, too, as he printed his name neatly on an old-fashioned ledger. Quinn didn't like the way that her eyes scanned Issac's face. If the woman looked close enough, Quinn was sure she'd be able to notice the little robotic quirks Issac did his best to hide.

“I can't remember the last time you used an alias, Azazel,” the woman commented.

The pen went still in Issac's hands.

Quinn's felt the palms of her hands go clammy as she glanced at Issac. There was no way for someone to recognize him like this. Her mind immediately went back to the blood that had gotten underneath Issac's fingernails when he went to meet with Jean Sullivan – and to his description of a single silver bullet that had been left on the desk near Jean's body. Was she going to be shot, too? Was Issac going to get shot?

But then Issac let out a quiet sigh and straightened.

“Did my handwriting give it away?” he asked.

The woman leaned on the desk. “It always does.”

Quinn looked between the two.

“Issac?” she quietly asked.

The woman gave her a smile. Quinn took a step back. She had been too distracted to notice it earlier, but the woman had a pair of fangs that glinted in the light of the desk lamp. Quinn didn't need Issac's help to figure out what the clerk was. But even though Quinn had just realized a vampire knew some of Issac's secret, her pulse steadied. Her hands didn't feel like they were coated in sweat. And when she hesitantly gave the woman a smile of her own, Quinn knew that the color had returned to her cheeks.

Issac turned to Quinn.

“Quinn, this is Bell,” Issac said.

“It's short for Isabelle, but no one calls me that these days,” she said. Bell leaned a little farther across the desk and held out a hand. After a moment of hesitation, Quinn shook it. “I'm surprised you're taking this so well – most humans freak when they see the fangs.”

Quinn's gaze traveled over to Issac. His face was mostly emotionless, but she didn't miss the gentle glow to his eyes as he rested his elbow on the very edge of the desk. “I was worried when you knew Issac's name, but he's not. You must be friends.”

Bell chuckled. “Oh, we're more than that.”

Quinn blinked.

“Issac never mentioned having a girl-”

Bell laughed again; Issac found the floor to be incredibly interesting.

“Not that,” she said. “We were a long time ago before I figured out some things about myself. But we've stayed in touch ever since that ended, and he's always welcome at the lodge. I wouldn't go as far as to call us best friends, but we're certainly more than just casual acquaintances.”

As she spoke, she pushed herself off of the desk and gestured at the little pin underneath her name tag. A warm feeling settled in Quinn's chest when she saw the orange, white and pink lines. Quinn was so busy giving Bell a shy smile that she missed the way that Issac suddenly started studying how Quinn held herself.

Bell turned around and grabbed an old-fashioned metal key from a rack behind her.

“Well,” she said, “it looks like you're all set. I hope you two enjoy your room.”

She dropped the key in Issac's hands.

Issac gave a little nod and uttered a quiet word of gratitude.

He headed away from the front desk with his suitcase in tow. Quinn started to follow him, but she paused when she saw what was on the TV above the lounge's inactive fireplace. She wasn't surprised by what was playing. Hotels and motels always seemed to have some kind of news channel on in their main rooms. But the news was almost always for the entire country or state. It wasn't localized.

This channel was.

The screen was displaying nines faces, each in its own rectangular box. There were four on the top, four on the bottom, and one off to the side. That last one was the only one that was in color; the first eight faces were all a dull gray. The only similarity between them all was that they were on the screen.

Quinn ran the names through in her head: Terry. Sylvia. Kaia. Percy. Suzanna. Emile. Logan. Adam.

She heard the wheels to Issac's suitcase skid to a stop at the mouth of the hallway.

Bell let out a quiet, tense sigh.

“Not another one,” she muttered. “Jesus Christ.”

A moment later, Quinn found Issac by her side. Even though he was facing the screen, she could see his eyes glancing off to the side – almost as if he was trying to look back at Bell. His grip on his suitcase's handle tightened; his posture grew more tense. There was something about the way that Issac carried himself that always made him seem older than he looked, but he seemed practically ancient with the look of defeat he had on his face now.

“What happened?” Issac asked.

Bell didn't say anything for a moment.

When Quinn turned to look at her, Bell's hands were balled up into fists on the front desk. She didn't meet either Quinn's questioning look, and didn't seem to notice Issac when the wheel's of suitcase rolled across the hardwood floor.

Issac stopped in front of the desk.

Quinn hesitantly joined him.

“People keep going missing,” Bell finally said. “It started a few months ago. No one really knew Terry and Sylvia – I think everyone here assumed they had just left town. But then Kaia went missing, and...”

Bell faltered.

Quinn's mind flickered back to two-year-old tabloid covers and Reddit threads filled with outlandish theories. The disappearance of America's youngest robotics star had fascinated the nation for just a handful of months before it faded into obscurity. Quinn couldn't remember the last time she had seen her face looking back at her in grocery store aisles.

“...I knew Kaia wouldn't go without any warning,” she said. “She hadn't been here long, but she didn't have a reason to leave. I keep hoping that they've found her when they run the story, but they just keep adding names to the list.”

Issac's expression softened.

“...Do you think it's someone supernatural?”

Bell glanced up.

“It's the only thing that makes sense,” she said. “I'm not sure about Terry and Suzanna, but I know for certain that everyone else that went missing stayed here at least once on their own – and only the supernatural can do something like that. If it's not one of us, it's certainly a hunter.”

“Is there anything I can do to-”

Bell shook her head and let out a heavy sigh.

Running her fingers through her hair, she turned back to the laptop that was propped open on a part of the front desk that ran adjacent to the part she had been leaning on. “The best thing you can do is stay safe. Whatever you're doing right now to hide that you're a demon? Keeping doing it. Whoever's doing this won't be phased by your age – they'll see you as a trophy.”


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Sun Sep 20, 2020 9:08 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi Mage!

Hehe, finally they found a decent hotel and we got to see a new character :D The details in the first paragraph were interesting.

“I can't remember the last time you used an alias, Azazel,” the woman commented.

The pen went still in Issac's hands.

Okay, I should admit that for a moment I was not paying much attention and then all of a sudden I realized, "Oh no!" She used his real name. But to our great surprise, she is a close acquaintance of Issac's and she too is a supernatural being. Well I guess she isn't one of those blood thirsty one's otherwise she would have made some kind of remark or some behavior that showed she was attracted towards humans for blood. (it's due to reading Twilight that my mind feels this way :P ) So, I guess these supernatural beings live in harmony among humans and try to conceal their identity as much as possible.

Quinn's gaze traveled over to Issac. His face was mostly emotionless, but she didn't miss the gentle glow to his eyes as he rested his elbow on the very edge of the desk.

These kind of remarks made by Quinn makes us realize that despite being a demon and having a robot sort of body, Issac got this gentle look and behavior that makes him a lot like we humans.

“Issac never mentioned having a girl-”

Bell laughed again; Issac found the floor to be incredibly interesting.

“Not that,” she said. “We were a long time ago before I figured out some things about myself. But we've stayed in touch ever since that ended, and he's always welcome at the lodge.

Haha, Quinn directly assumed that they were a thing. At first I didn't understand why she pointed on her name tag and those colors but then I realized it's the pride flag and everything cleared up. Nice way of putting up things for the readers :D And the part about Isaac and the floor was also amusing xD Maybe try adding some details about physical appearance, like in case of Bell. I mean I like to imagine how the characters look and a little bit of description is always interesting.

Later on we get to hear about some more characters who have apparently gone missing and then again we get to see the mention about the Hunter. This adds more curiosity in me that there's some big conspiracy going on. I liked how you tried to connect some dots from the past by indirectly mentioning about Quinn's disappearance. I really feel that your story's pacing is very accurate. I am seriously enjoying it so far.

Great work!
Keep writing :D

Image




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review!

Hehe, finally they found a decent hotel and we got to see a new character


Yeah! Bell runs the best hotel they'll ever stay at, hands down. :)

Unless they stay at one of those fancy ones at some point.

So, I guess these supernatural beings live in harmony among humans and try to conceal their identity as much as possible.


That's exactly how it works! I really love the idea of supernatural people being like us humans, so I want my story to have them rarely causing issues with us.

These kind of remarks made by Quinn makes us realize that despite being a demon and having a robot sort of body, Issac got this gentle look and behavior that makes him a lot like we humans.


He's a soft guy. <3

Haha, Quinn directly assumed that they were a thing. At first I didn't understand why she pointed on her name tag and those colors but then I realized it's the pride flag and everything cleared up. Nice way of putting up things for the readers


Thanks! I'm glad you recognized the flag. :)

Maybe try adding some details about physical appearance, like in case of Bell. I mean I like to imagine how the characters look and a little bit of description is always interesting.


I'll definitely try doing that! I have a vague idea in mind for Bell, but I've been torn because I'm worried that it might be too much of a stereotype. On the other hand, Bell's supposed to be that cool queer role model figure in the story, and I know exactly what kind of person I envision when I'm thinking of cool queer role models.

Later on we get to hear about some more characters who have apparently gone missing and then again we get to see the mention about the Hunter. This adds more curiosity in me that there's some big conspiracy going on. I liked how you tried to connect some dots from the past by indirectly mentioning about Quinn's disappearance. I really feel that your story's pacing is very accurate. I am seriously enjoying it so far.


Thank you! I won't say anything about your theory, but I'm glad that you like the pacing and the plot. I hope you stay interested in the story as it goes on!



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Sun Sep 20, 2020 9:23 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



This chapter went in an interesting turn! It seems to be calling back to the hunter that was mentioned a while ago in chapter one? My first thought was: oh, so he's the one making all the people disappear.

1. The carpet that "lay" in the hotel and the "plush, velvety cushions" are such nice descriptions. They're very succinct, but still paint a vivid picture. That the place looks unusually "gothic" is a nice bit of foreshadowing for Bell being a vampire.

2. Speaking of which, I like how Bell herself is described as a bit odd with not checking Issac and Quinn's ID, aside from looking at them strangely. Maybe as a vampire, regular ID is irrelevant to her? It definitely makes the reveal sensible in the flow of the story.

3. I love the little details in the story that hint at what its world is like. The handwriting thing I think is really clever. Meanwhile, Quinn's comments on what happened after she ran away really sets a grittier real-world environment for the story.

4. I also like how the characters' reactions are described. You really have a knack for matching subtle feelings to equally subtle actions! For instance, Issac looking at the floor while Bell laughs instead is really telling of their opposite characterisations.

Lastly, I just have to say that "trophy" comment is chilling. It also makes me wonder if Issac would be more powerful or different in some way than younger demons. Though it did take a while for the backstory to be established before the 'mystery' of the plot, somehow knowing Issac and Quinn a little better before getting to this point helps raise the stakes for me . . . and that's about it for what I have to say.

Cheers!
Liminality




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review! :)

1. The carpet that "lay" in the hotel and the "plush, velvety cushions" are such nice descriptions. They're very succinct, but still paint a vivid picture. That the place looks unusually "gothic" is a nice bit of foreshadowing for Bell being a vampire.


Thanks! I want to avoid stereotypes as much as I can with my depiction of supernatural creatures, but I also think that Bell is way too stylish to not have a Gothic hotel. :P

2. Speaking of which, I like how Bell herself is described as a bit odd with not checking Issac and Quinn's ID, aside from looking at them strangely. Maybe as a vampire, regular ID is irrelevant to her? It definitely makes the reveal sensible in the flow of the story.


I mentioned it my reply to your last review, but part of what I want to do with this story is paint a realistic picture of traveling around the country. I realized when I was writing this chapter that my parents always have to go in and show some kind of ID when they're registering for our room at a hotel, so I thought it would be fun to add a reference to that here! :)

3. I love the little details in the story that hint at what its world is like. The handwriting thing I think is really clever. Meanwhile, Quinn's comments on what happened after she ran away really sets a grittier real-world environment for the story.


Thanks! I'm glad I can depict the contrast well. I really want this story to address the world's darker side, while also showing how cool the supernatural part of the world can be. I definitely need to work more on the last part, but I'm happy I'm already making some progress with it! :)

Thank you again for your review!



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Valkyria wrote a review...



I'm working my way slowly up to the last chapter, but I'm finally here!

It was the kind of hotel that she would have expected to be part of some larger hotel chain, but she hadn't ever heard of Abe's Lodge. The name made her think of cozy log cabins nestled in the woods – it didn't fit the more gothic touch that the building had.


Maybe it's the history nerd in me, but I immediately thought of Abe Lincoln's childhood cabin haha. But I love the gothic description of the hotel. It seems like my kind of lodging. I would love to visit that.

“I can't remember the last time you used an alias, Azazel,” the woman commented.

The pen went still in Issac's hands.


She's so calm about this.

“I'm surprised you're taking this so well – most humans freak when they see the fangs.”


Quinn is better prepared this time.

As she spoke, she pushed herself off of the desk and gestured at the little pin underneath her name tag. A warm feeling settled in Quinn's chest when she saw the orange, white and pink lines.


There should be a comma before "and" in the last line. I'm not familiar with LGBT+ flags, but is that pin one of those flags? Quinn seems to know about this.

Quinn's mind flickered back to two-year-old tabloid covers and Reddit threads filled with outlandish theories. The disappearance of America's youngest robotics star had fascinated the nation for just a handful of months before it faded into obscurity. Quinn couldn't remember the last time she had seen her face looking back at her in grocery store aisles.


So, it seems to me that all the people who disappeared were robotic engineers. If I'm wrong, please correct me, but it looks like Quinn herself might be in danger.

As always, the novel is keeping me hooked. Great job!
Athena




Mageheart says...


Thank you for the review! :)

Maybe it's the history nerd in me, but I immediately thought of Abe Lincoln's childhood cabin haha. But I love the gothic description of the hotel. It seems like my kind of lodging. I would love to visit that.


I didn't think of that! I'd also really love to visit the hotel, though. :P

(I didn't get a chance to work the joke into the chapter, but I was going to have Bell say that everyone kept thinking of the president - even though the hotel is actually named after Abraham Stoker.)

She's so calm about this.


She's definitely a chill person. :P

Quinn is better prepared this time.


Definitely!

I'm not familiar with LGBT flags, but is that pin one of those flags? Quinn seems to know about this.


It is! It makes me so happy you recognized it. It's the lesbian pride flag. :)

So, it seems to me that all the people who disappeared were robotic engineers. If I'm wrong, please correct me, but it looks like Quinn herself might be in danger.


They're not, but that's an interesting theory! Quinn just found the missing person thing to be relatable since she's technically one herself. I'll definitely clarify that more in the second draft, but that's a really cool theory for why she'd be so interested in them!



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Thu Sep 03, 2020 12:43 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Shouldn't Bell be 'Belle'? I never seen the name spelt like that.

'“I'm surprised you're taking this so well – most humans freak when they see the fangs.”' - she's a receptionist, surely people see her all the time? Or is this some sort of supernatural hotel? Also, it seemed weird she mentioned her fangs straight away. Isn't there a change Quinn may not have noticed them and she's just gone and outed herself?

The dialogue between Bell and Quinn when they first met didn't come across as very natural. They've literally just met as Bell's like, 'here, let me tell you mine and Isaac's history right away'. It could be shortened to something as simple as-

“Not that,” she said. “Not anymore, anyway. We had our fun. He's always welcome at the lodge."

The way you describe the pictures on the screen is very long-winded and doesn't flow very well. You could have simply said, 'there were eight black and white portraits (or mugshots, or candid shots) on the screen'.

I think it needs to be reiterated what Quinn and Isaac are actually doing because I only realised what the point of them moving about was when you put a little 'the plot so far' summary on top of the last chapter.




Mageheart says...


Thanks for the review!

It could be spelled Belle, but I thought Bell fit her a little more. I like picking nicknames that fit the character's personality, even if they aren't conventional ones. :)

I definitely understand your concern about Bell & Quinn's conversation, but there's actually an ulterior motive to the specific wording - it's not super clear just yet in the story, but Bell's actually lesbian. I wanted Quinn to be able to pick up on the cues, and I thought the wording was a good way to also clue in the reader later on.

I've actually been concerned about Quinn & Issac's purpose, too, so it's good to see that I'm not the only one who felt that way. I was still struggling with how I wanted to write this story when the novel first started, so I only realized after I was already two chapters in that I probably needed to clarify some things. I'll definitely elaborate on those in a future draft!





Ah, I see now what you were trying to do with Bell but it still doesn't feel natural. It does sound like you're trying to say something without saying it - if you get me? Which now I know is she realised she's gay.



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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Well I'm very behind but I'm here! Sorry it took me so long. I have reread all the previous chapters though, so I'm in a good place to read/review this one. I still really appreciate the summaries you do at the top though, they're super helpful for double checking where I am in the story!

Anyway, onto the review!

It was the kind of hotel that she would have expected to be part of some larger hotel chain, but she hadn't ever heard of Abe's Lodge.

Also not sure it sounds like a chain of hotels! I totally agree that Lodge makes me thing of some cosy cabin in the woods or mountains... definitely not what you're describing here!
Speaking of which, beautiful description in the first part of this section! I can picture the big Gothic room - it's a great setup for the rest of the chapter.

If the woman looked close enough, Quinn was sure she'd be able to notice the little robotic quirks Issac did his best to hide.

Ooh like what?

“I can't remember the last time you used an alias, Azazel,” the woman commented.

What?!? Also, I love how she does this so casually. Gives a great insight into the type of character she is.

She had been too distracted to notice it earlier, but the woman had a pair of fangs that glinted in the light of the desk lamp.

Oh wow, so she's freaked out that werewolves exist but she seems to be taking the fact that Bell is a vampire in her stride. Did she know about vampires already or is she just a really fast learner?

But even though Quinn had just realized a vampire knew some of Issac's secret, her pulse steadied. Her hands didn't feel like they were coated in sweat. And when she hesitantly gave the woman a smile of her own, Quinn knew that the color had returned to her cheeks

Interesting. Is this because Bell is also part of the supernatural world? Or is there some other reason Quinn is suddenly able to become calm?

“I'm surprised you're taking this so well – most humans freak when they see the fangs.”

Most humans don't hang around with demons.

Quinn blinked.

“Issac never mentioned having a girl-”

Haha of course that's where her mind went! He's a demon and everything but in her mind he's clearly just a guy.

As she spoke, she pushed herself off of the desk and gestured at the little pin underneath her name tag. A warm feeling settled in Quinn's chest when she saw the orange, white and pink lines. Quinn was so busy giving Bell a shy smile that she missed the way that Issac suddenly started studying how Quinn held herself

Am I supposed to know the significance of this or are you just hinting? Just want to check if I've missed something (very possible!).

Quinn's mind flickered back to two-year-old tabloid covers and Reddit threads filled with outlandish theories. The disappearance of America's youngest robotics star had fascinated the nation for just a handful of months before it faded into obscurity. Quinn couldn't remember the last time she had seen her face looking back at her in grocery store aisles.

Ooh ok, a glimpse into some more plot! I'm going to keep reading before I ask all my questions because I have a lot, but I'm hoping some of them will be cleared up in the next few chapters.

Great pacing as always - I'm really getting attached to your characters! I'd love some more of Issac's backstory soon... and some details on his disguise! I keep picturing him as the robot devil from Futurama, which I'm guessing is totally inaccurate as he would be spotted a mile away!

Hope this helped, even if it was delayed! <3

Icy




Mageheart says...


Thank you for the review! And don't worry about taking awhile to do it - life happens, and #RevMo is the perfect time to get back into the story. <3

Speaking of which, beautiful description in the first part of this section! I can picture the big Gothic room - it's a great setup for the rest of the chapter.


I'm glad the descriptions worked! Describing a story's setting is something I really need to work on, so I'm happy I was successful with it this time around. :)

Oh wow, so she's freaked out that werewolves exist but she seems to be taking the fact that Bell is a vampire in her stride. Did she know about vampires already or is she just a really fast learner?


She's a fast learner! I need to elaborate more on it in the second draft, but she's basically like "whelp if werewolves exist there might as well be vampires".

Interesting. Is this because Bell is also part of the supernatural world? Or is there some other reason Quinn is suddenly able to become calm?


I'd also like to touch on this more later on in the story, but it's because she realized that Issac wasn't afraid/worried. She's pretty good at picking up on his cues, and definitely trusts his opinion. :)

Most humans don't hang around with demons.


That's very true. :P

Am I supposed to know the significance of this or are you just hinting? Just want to check if I've missed something (very possible!).


I'm just hinting at the moment, but it'll be explained more in future chapters! I might also clarify it a little more when I revise this chapter - it's a lesbian pride flag.

(Nice job on being the first person to spot it!)

Great pacing as always - I'm really getting attached to your characters! I'd love some more of Issac's backstory soon... and some details on his disguise!


I'm glad you're falling in love with my characters! I also really do need to throw in a description of Issac at some point. I had one in mind ages ago, but then @MeherazulAzim16 mentioned that he imagined Issac looking like Rami Malek - and I haven't been able to shake that image since.

Thank you again for the review! I hope you like the future chapters. :)



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Lib wrote a review...



Hello hello!

'Tis Lib (and I refreshed the page before I sent this review so technically I can get this out of the Green Room) B)

Your descriptions are amazing! Especially of the hotel interior and of Bell as well! The hotel sounds like some lavish castle or some place the president or prime minister or whoever with some fancy title would stay. I wanna go theeeeere. I'm pretty sure those were the two main places where you did most of the description, correct me if I'm wrong.

But imagery, man, we all love that. The five senses, and if Quinn has a sixth sense, that as well, I guess!

“I can't remember the last time you used an alias, Azazel,” the woman commented.

My first thought towards this woman: freak.

Was Issac going to get shot?

Please no because I'm starting to like Issac so please don't kill him.

“I'm surprised you're taking this so well – most humans freak when they see the fangs.”

I would faint xD Maybe ask questions about who her dentist is but yeah, I'd faint. :P

She says they were more than that and he didn't even recognize her hOW cAn y'AlL be mOrE thAn tHAt. Oh wait okay lol "friends" of a sort~

A warm feeling settled in Quinn's chest when she saw the orange, white and pink lines.

I definitely did not laugh.

The screen was displaying nines faces, each in its own rectangular box.

*nine

The only similarity between them all was that they were on the screen.

Hah okay but this line sorta seems off because that's barely a similarity, if y'know what I mean. I dunno, maybe read it aloud and you'll see what I mean.

“What happened?” Issac asked.

That's what I've been trynna ask >:[

Wait is it like vampires/demons going missing? Or dead? Or is it humans going missing? Terry, Sylvia, Kaia, are all these important people?? Who're deez people?

“...Do you think it's someone supernatural?”

Oh so it's some supernatural kidnappers, 'kay.

“The best thing you can do is stay safe. Whatever you're doing right now to hide that you're a demon? Keeping doing it. Whoever's doing this won't be phased by your age – they'll see you as a trophy.”

*Keep

Also: hunters >:(

Not much else to say now - hope this review helped! Lemme know if you have any questions. :smt003

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




Mageheart says...


Thank you so much for the review!

My first thought towards this woman: freak.


I hope that thought changed by the end of this section. :P

Please no because I'm starting to like Issac so please don't kill him.


;)

In all seriousness I love him too much to ever kill him.

I would faint xD Maybe ask questions about who her dentist is but yeah, I'd faint.


...I'm just going to shove that dentist joke away to use it for another character at some point because that's genius.

That's what I've been trynna ask >:[

Wait is it like vampires/demons going missing? Or dead? Or is it humans going missing? Terry, Sylvia, Kaia, are all these important people?? Who're deez people?


I'm hoping it becomes a little clearer in the next chapter or two, but they're basically just people who lived in the town which needs a name that they're currently in! It's basically like the set-up to a monster/horror movie. While the town seems pretty normal, a bunch of its residents are vanishing for no apparent reason.

Thank you again for your review! It was really helpful - especially when you caught those typos. :P



Lib says...


I hope that thought changed by the end of this section. :P

It definitely did. :p



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Featherstone wrote a review...



Salutations, Mage! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review and help ya out so you could publish that new piece, in spite of not having read the other chapters, so I hope you'll bear with me through leaping in partway through a story (,:

The pillars that jutted out from the hardwood floor looked like they belonged in a Greek temple. The carpet that lay between them looked like it belonged to royalty.

This is tiny and purely stylistic but in the first 4 sentences of the paragraph, 3 of them start with 'the,' which is a wee bit repetitive and, thusly, I might smush these two together with a conjunction/comma/semicolon just to shake it up a bit? But honestly that's 100% a style thing and not a big deal anyways.

The name made her think of cozy log cabins nestled in the woods – it didn't fit the more gothic touch that the building had.

The woman at the front desk apparently hadn't questioned their lack of ID like most hotels did – she seemed content with the wad of cash Issac had pushed their way.

Her mind immediately went back to the blood that had gotten underneath Issac's fingernails when he went to meet with Jean Sullivan – and to his description of a single silver bullet that had been left on the desk near Jean's body.

Hey guess what, it's another nitpick! I merely noticed that this piece employs a sentence structure consisting of "[independent clause] -- [independent clause]" which isn't a big deal; however, it did feel a little bit repetitive to read after the third time. I might suggest just re-formatting some of these sentences? If you want to keep that emphasis you might be able to employ things like line breaks--so, making a new paragraph--seeing if you can insert italics in any way, or even cutting them into multiple sentences? But here's a few examples of what I'm talking about, these aren't the best sentences but just to give you a vibe of what I mean:

"Its name, seemingly misplaced with the gothic touch, made her think of cozy log cabins nestled in the woods."
"The woman at the front desk apparently hadn't questioned their lack of ID like most hotels did; rather, she seemed content with the wad of cash Issac had pushed her way."

Another thing you might be able to do to shake up sentence structure is add longer sentences? Like, drop some commas to break off some sentence fragments and a conjunction, etc. Like I said, it's a bit nitpicky, but it might help the improve the overall rhythm of the paragraphs? If that's not your style though, you do you! You're the writer, I'm just an audience member.

Bell laughed again; Issac found the floor to be incredibly interesting.

Okay, this was just good, haha. I liked that part about Issac, it did a good job of simultaneously explaining what was happening and making me snortle a bit (that's a snort-chuckle). Like, wow. What a mood. I find the floor pretty interesting too, sometimes, buddy.

There was something about the way that Issac carried himself that always made him seem older than he looked, but he seemed practically ancient with the look of defeat he had on his face now.

Just another really solid sentence, Mage! It flows nicely and the comparison works really well--it's clear, descriptive, nice to read.

Overview
Overall, this piece was rad! Even leaping in partway through I was able to understand what was happening pretty well. Heckin' hunters (and I blame Dean for this, btw, idc if he exists in this universe or not and you know exactly which Dean I mean). Although there was the occasional place (mostly in the beginning) where it felt a wee bit repetitive, the flow really kicked in partway through and was rhythmically quite pleasant to read thereafter. The only general critique I'd have is I would love a bit more imagery--some more colors, metaphors, general vibes. For instance, when Quinn saw the people on the screen, did any of them jump out to her? Where did her eyes linger, was there one individual with even just a little bit more emphasis than the rest? Or what did Issac notice when he was studying Quinn? It's a fine line between describing too much (i.e. the tiny details of the pen he's holding) and too little, and in general I think you did pretty well with that--like using the cabin metaphor early on--but even just a few words here and there might help really fill out this piece. Aside from that, it was an engaging read, and time permitting, you'll hopefully see me on this novel again!

Good day, fair Mage~
- Fea




Mageheart says...


Thank you so much for the review! Your comments on my grammar/writing style were really helpful, and I really appreciate you trying to help it get out of the Green Room.

Heckin' hunters (and I blame Dean for this, btw, idc if he exists in this universe or not and you know exactly which Dean I mean)


Also, Dean 100% exists in this universe - it might not be super obvious because they're currently just a duo, but they're part of the group he affectionately calls "Real Life Team Free Will" all the time.



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Fri Aug 14, 2020 3:10 am
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MeherazulAzim16 says...



Spoiler! :
Darn hunters :')




Mageheart says...


^Everyone in this book.




Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
— Helen Keller