Woe, surging like some misbegotten wave,
Wrenchingly ripping the limpets
Of Sanity; Insanity’s slave,
That clung to the craggy surface.
Torturously tearing through my mind,
Self Doubt jams into the crevices of thought.
Visions of my own mortality
Swirled upon the crashing water.
My ailment, the cause of my fatality
Brought premonitions of it all.
A draft version, something I will touch up and get rhythm/rhyme working properly on. Thought much appreciated.
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,397 Reviews
Thanks to all of you, your opinions are much appreciated.
I don't think you really need to work on rhythm or rhyme. Maybe a little, but i liked this poem the way it is. I liked the way it was described and said. This was a really good poem. I wish i ahd seen this before my memorize a poem english assignment. Anyway keep it up
Woe, surging like some misbegotten wave,
I like the soft sounds of the "s" following woe, then the hard sounds of misbegotten
Wrenchingly ripping the limpets
Here, I like the repetition of sound in wrenching and ripping, but I wondered if "wretching" might work better than wrenching because it has more hard sounds in it (it adds a "t"), making the work more violent? I have no idea what limpets are. Even after I've looked it up (is it some type of snail?).
Of Sanity; Insanity’s slave,
I don't understand this line, but the phrase "insanity's slave" was cool
That clung to the craggy surface.
I like the word craggy
Torturously tearing through my mind,
Self Doubt jams into the crevices of thought.
Did you mean to capitalize "doubt"? If you did, maybe you could offset it on another line to be clear
Visions of my own mortality
Swirled upon the crashing water.
My ailment, the cause of my fatality
Brought premonitions of it all.
This last stanza was interesting; I had to read it a few times. I'm not sure what "visions of mortality" are.
I liked the image of water; I imagined a violent storm. PM me if you have any more questions.
Ok, i liked this but I'm not sure what its about really. Great range of vocabulary and yes a very mature sounding poem. Just not realllly completly sure of the topic :S
Meevs
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