I wrote the title for this poem and then came up with something totally different from what I had originally intended, so in that way the title is open to interpretation. If you have any suggestions for it, please say. Im not actually sure where this poem would fit in, so if it's not a dramatic piece please forgive me.
And just one last thing, this is my first topic post 
The Battlefield
Through blurry thoughts of misty death,
Half formed flutters of the fight began to fade,
The clashing of blades dimmed like his breath,
In the stilled sands of time she preyed
Fuzzy forms loomed nigh,
The battlefield fell dark as sin,
The rain fell hauntingly from a high,
Like swords it slashed the skin,
His eyes widened with clarity,
His arms wrapped around her, foe –or friend,
This ghostly figure of life that gave no charity,
Even though his life was soon to end.
He pulled her close, pitifully protective,
He sought to shield her in the dim
So he welcomed to his arms without perspective
And with longing smile she kissed him
With one kiss he saw he shielded death – and life!
And so he shared that one longing smile in his final breath,
Before his eyes glazed and her tears were rife,
Into the coils of life – back to death.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,581 Literary Works • 673,533 Reviews
Thanks alot Ofour
I'm glad you liked it.
There should be full stops in those places you pointed out, I'll fill them in now.
I did actually mean preyed, I was trying to create the image that she was stalking through the sands of time.
Just one question, I've added some revisions to the poem based on the suggestions. Should I repost the poem in this thread or just edit my first post?
Thanks again Ofour.
"stilled sands of time she preyed" - Do you mean "prayed", and I think this should end with a full-stop.
"Like swords it slashed the skin," - I'd put a full-stop there too.
Very moving, the rhyming is good too. An excellent first piece.
Thank you very much, I think that when I wrote it I was trying to, loosely fit it into iambic pentameter.
Thanks alot, I'll try and make some additions with your suggestion.
Thanks again, Reida, for being the first to give me some constructive criticism
Wow this was really nice! Sad but nice, and this was your first topic? Great job.
Now down to correcting(I don't have much to say so this won't be bad lol):
1.Fuzzy forms loomed nigh,
The battlefield fell dark as sin,
The rain fell hauntingly from a high,
Like swords it slashed the skin,
*This is a little shorter than all of the other lines and doesn't really fit in. It could if you lengthened it though so don't just get rid of this as it holds much meaning.
2.His eyes widened with clarity,
His arms wrapped around her, foe –or friend,
This ghostly figure of life that gave no charity,
Even though his life was soon to end.
*Hehe, now here you have too much length. Mostly around the forth or third line when you mention charity, it reads a little too much into the fact she was alive, shortening this will prove wonderfully.
**Okay so that was all, not bad huh? Great job for your first poem and welcome to YWS!
Keep at it!
~Rieda