Unfortunately, I've only read the first version of this because frankly I couldn't be bothered reading something twice and trying to spot the differences. Sorry, I know it makes me sound mean. So you may have fixed the critcisms I'm about to give already.
First off, the bad things. A lack of plot, for a start, which I know hasn't been fixed in the revised version. We're given the basis for a solid story (good character, decent setting, etc.) but unfortunately the basis isn't good enough. I want something to make me keep reading. For example, where is the man going? Why is he going there? And what will he do when he gets there? You get the idea...
Also, the piece seems to be all atmospherics. Sure, this is nicely done, and we can feel the tension and the darkness etc. but that's about it. You need something more then just dry atmosphere. Like energy for example, or just make something exciting happen. Don't rely on atmosphere.
Now, the good things. As you're probably tired of hearing, your details are brilliantly thought out and well observed. You take simple things and make them crisp, clear images. Well done.
And speaking of images, this piece is full of them. I'm somebody who thrives on the unusual and bizarre and there were moments in this story that I lapped up with relish. Bravo.
Oh, and good use of location, by the way. I was given a good sense of the man in his lonely house, watching TV, all by himself. A nice touch.
Overall, the piece was well written and very, very, readable. And who knows, you may even have fixed the problems I noticed.
Well done,
TF.
Points: 890
Reviews: 43
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