It stretched the length of life, an epitaph to thoughts.
A monument to ingenuity that scaled the clouds
Of luminescent glory –
A gentle culler of the land and redoubt
To belief.
I stood before it, incompetent – or not at all.
An egregious specimen to which
It was beyond compare. Softly striking
My ignoble body and staring into
Nonchalant eyes.
The stale ticking of time, raised bile in
My throat.
A strike too many left more than holes in
My skin, but ruts in the soul
And blemishes on the ground to which
I had no answer.
Pores of the skin where rot seeped
Stopped the churning of the stomach and the
Inhalation of the lungs.
My legs locomotion sung a spurning
Of the unwilling rest, as did the beating of my heart.
But to rise up once more.
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140,579 Literary Works • 673,526 Reviews
Hmm.. This was an interesting piece and I had to think about it for a while before it finally sank in. The flow worked well in some places, but I think it could be better, as it lacked that... Hmm... Je ne sais pas. But it didn't work well for me and I think it could be edited to be better and therefore attract the attention of more people.
Some of the imagary was good and you described the belief in a certain way which was enjoyable to read, although it could also be better.
You're punctuation is weak and could be revised, added, edited etc. and when this is done the work will then make more sense and have a better structure, making it sound/read better when the reader looks through it.
I liked the storyline, but believe you could've structured this better. I hope my adive and tips help.