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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Heya, Lumi! Casanova here to do a review!
Anyway, I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind. To the review!
The first stanza-
Alright, so a few things here.
1)The first line. I dislike how you start this out like you're answering a question. It puts a rather bland tone to it, and I felt like you could do without the,"yes." It's like you're telling a bland story to a toddler.
2)The third line. I have a couple of things wrong with this one. You constantly use,"you," when you could just combine this line into a shorter one, but I feel like you throw it away to keep your lines going longer, like someone getting farther away. Anyway, it would be something like,"and you withdraw, step back, and watch him."
3)I feel like the whitespace added here is okay for snow, but I feel like the last two lines are formatted just for the extra white space. Anyway, onward.
Aye, here I have to get you for something you get me for. I don't want it to be,"it's like this," I want it to be,"it is this." Makes it so much more relatable. Similes Vs. Metaphors.
You also keep using,"you," a lot, and I think you didn't really do the narrative justice here.Anyway, onward.
Now, one thing I really liked here was the ending line. I dunno, for some reason that just got me. However, I feel like you do a lot of listing here. "You do," statements, if you well. I find you seem to be sacrificing emotion for imagery, yet the emotion you do have is underdone because of these statements. Play around with it a little.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped. Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Reading this again, it's even more powerful. Still love this.
Hello, Lumi-senpai~
but maybe that's because I had just woken up when I read this the first time, as the third readthrough I got it just fine.This review is basically just me rambling, so please excuse how unorganized this is.
This poem is really nice. Really well thought out. I don't have many pieces of criticism for this, so I'll mostly be talking about the things that really made this a good piece.
Ugh, but where to begin? It's not as if specific parts made it good, but the cohesiveness of the theme and the piece. It goes somewhere without going too far; it's introspective but there is something more to it than simple observation.
I really enjoy how you created setting without lingering on it too much. It's something that I'm still developing in my own writing. First there is a mirror, and though it's not necessarily a real mirror, (we find out later in the poem that this mirror is most likely in the bedroom (sheets, dawn, etc.) and then there is snow, so we're in the loneliness of this bedroom, which is the room of choice when talking about introspection because it's the most personal room in the house, the room in which we sleep, have dreams, love, dress... And the cold still lingers in the next stanza, the real meat of the poem. Then in the last stanza, everything is kept wonderfully cohesive with the mirror again.
To me, this poem describes a feeling, yes, but it's all so wonderful and connected that I feel as if it is a definition for a single word. All the images blend into one and it's loneliness and loss but something more, the loss of self or even another. That's the only part that I'm vaguely foggy on-- I'm not sure if the narrator is talking about himself or someone else. The only line that throws me off is the second line of the poem, though the narrator could love himself, it makes me unsure of the subject. But it doesn't matter because either way this is a lyrical heartbreak.
As wonderful as this poem is, I feel like there is a teeny bit of something that is lacking. It's certainly not beautiful imagery-- I feel like maybe something a little more ugly is needed to provide a contrast to make your imagery even more beautiful. While I'm imagining freezing in a dark bedroom in the second stanza, I'm also imagining chapped lips after a long winter, fragile skin so dry that it bleeds-- and I'm glad that I'm seeing these images in particular because it means that your poem opened up my imagination, but I feel like if you actually mentioned something ugly in your poem, it would create an even greater effect. While your poem is beautiful, the aching loneliness of the subject is not actually beautiful, and I think it would benefit from an acknowledgment of that in the language and imagery.
(I mean, it's obvious that it's not a good feeling by the way the narrator is speaking, but you get my idea, right? Sorry, I'm rambling >.>)
The only image that gave me a little trouble in its' meaning was
I like your small instances of internal rhyme, like "quiet night" and "stand, branded"
Personally, I would try to avoid using "touch" twice in the same poem, but after thinking about it, I couldn't find a word that wouldn't sound strange in the context of the simplicity of the poem, so don't change it.
The ending is really nice and solid and draws parallels to the previous stanza. A+
Thank you for posting this. I feel like I really resonated with it, and obviously, a lot of others have, too. I hope that my review gives you some kind of insight into your poem. Happy poeting, Lumi!
P.S.
I found some 38 length jeans in my store yesterday and thought of you. <3
You goddess. <3
I had an interim stanza that had a bit of grit in it, but the remainder of the context was overkill and detracted from the flow and feel. I'll experiment with some lines, though, because I very much agree.
Hi Lumi!
I actually love this poem because nothing quite fully describes how difficult it is to move on.
I feel like it was a smart stylistic choice to go with no capitalization. It introduces a tone of brevity and deflation that is needed to deal with such a melancholic topic.
All in all, the formatting is great, the word choice is incredible, and the message is one that all of humanity needs to hear.
You've got something special here. Keep editing and keep writing!
nadair
I would just like to say that this poem was amazing. I loved the first part - it just made me feel really empty and sad, you know? Great job.
This was just perfect. I loved it and everything fit so well...congratulations.