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by Lumi

Deleted at author's request.

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Points: 1576
Reviews: 12

Thu Dec 29, 2016 7:06 pm
MischiefManaged says...

How friggin' beautiful.

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624 Reviews

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Thu Dec 15, 2016 12:02 am
Casanova wrote a review...

Heya, Lumi! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Alright, first thing I'd like to point out is this was an extremely good poem, but I guess I'll take a crack at what I didn't like about it, which isn't much. I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope that's okay. Anyway, to the review!

The first stanza-

I want to be a cosmonaut
and scatter
starlight into the hills
with abandon at dawn

Alright, the last line here. It doesn't really make any sense, honestly. "With abandon at dawn," isn't even a proper sentence. I tried making sense out of it with the previous line, and it didn't do any good either. I don't see where you were going with this, unless you meant,"Which is abandoned at dawn," which to me clears it up a bit. That's the first thing I noticeed. The second thing was the,"scatter starlight into the hills." This really didn't do anything for me. You could have left it at,"I want to be a cosmonaut/abandoned at dawn." To me it holds a punch, but still lacks something.

I want to wake from dreams and say
I've lived sixteen lifetimes
with my eyes closed
and melted into silk

I feel these were the strongest lines out of the poem, and to me they hold a punch without the other lines, so I would have to give you props for that.

I want to open the bedroom window,
feel the morning chill on the arbor dew
look to you, and say--


Honestly the,"oh," part is the only thing I didn't like about this. You're leaving it off at a place I want to see it continue. Who's the person, why are you just saying,"oh," instead of an actual greeting, and why is it like shock? I would love to see these answered. As of now it seems like you've left your poem half finished, as it raises a lot of questions and doesn't answer many of them.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

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14 Reviews

Points: 1181
Reviews: 14

Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:08 pm
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Regime wrote a review...

Hi, this is Regime.

So, I really like this poem. I don’t review poetry often, but I’ll try.

At first, I get that you used the word ‘cosmonaut’ for someone who explores the cosmos, but then I looked it up, and the internet says it’s a Russian astronaut. XD But I totally get it, and no one really needs to know what it means because you give your meaning through the context. Because you use the phrase ‘with abandon at dawn’, I think it requires a bit more thought. Do you intend for this to have multiple meanings, as an opinion of the reader? If it’s meant to have a singular meaning, restructuring would suffice.

I do like the second stanza, but it leaves me with a question: from where does the sixteen lives part come? I liked the last few lines, which paint pictures quite nicely. (sounds very poetic, of course)

I like how the ‘oh’ can be interpreted differently by people, simply because the third stanza really shows a picture, and in a way, a reaction. While the beginning I mentioned earlier was broad, this part just seems meant to be that way. An ending open to interpretation is certainly an interesting topic for a fabulous poem.


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273 Reviews

Points: 110
Reviews: 273

Thu Dec 01, 2016 11:30 pm
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Charm says...

mmmmyes i really like this *absorbs inspiration and bottles up for later*

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62 Reviews

Points: 2003
Reviews: 62

Thu Dec 01, 2016 7:36 am
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Poopsie says...

ooh the wording here gives me the shivers. How many drafts did you go through.

Lumi says...

The one up currently was draft 3. There are many othersssss.

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862 Reviews

Points: 2146
Reviews: 862

Tue Nov 29, 2016 7:13 am
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Griffinkeeper says...

I love this poem.

Lumi says...

Thank you, Grif!

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:10 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

I didn't know the word cosmonaut existed or anything of that sort, but the context that you use it in is interesting. It seems to be kind of like an astronaut but I wasn't quite sure? I'm taking it as someone who explores the cosmos, and with that I kind of wanted more about that. I may be thinking of the word too much or overthinking the usage.

Scattering starlight into the hills is a pretty image but I don't think the last line in that stanza had as much emotional impact as it could have with abandoning it at dawn. The usage of white space is great there, but the wording with "with abandon" kind of got to me and felt a little awkward and maybe something like "abandoning it" would work better? Just some thoughts on the wording.

The second stanza here is something that is very of my taste in poetry with melting into silk sheets and I really love the dead-of-morning-sunlight-shining-through-the-thin-curtains feel that is imbued into the poem. The first few lines here are something that I was iffy on with the wording at least? I kind of wanted expansion on the living 16 lifetimes and I think building that into reincarnation is something that could/possibly be considered. The last three lines really hit hard though and the usage of spacing works wonderfully here.

The last stanza is probably the best in terms of interpretation and the many things that it could stand for. I like the "I want" repetition at the beginning that ran throughout the poem though I do think that an "I need" somewhere in the poem would be an interesting contrast. There were a lot of thoughts when chat had the conversation about this poem and I think that all of them can apply, like the speaker being in a dream or the person having left, everything of that sort. The disillusionment of what the "oh" really means or stands for adds a lot of layers to the poem, and I think that's its strongest point.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Lumi says...

The cosmonaut idea was definitely tempting to expound upon but I wanted to keep everything brief and tight so it stayed soft--but I plan on experimenting with the image later on so you'll have guest access to that, I promise.

And I love that chat had their own interpretations and I love that I don't have to give anything away because everyone is right in their own way and I love that and omg. Yes this helped. A ton ton ton. Particularly with the flow on 'with dawn' because i think in retrospect it has more finality to end on with abandon so some restructuring could benefit.

I'll experiment. %u2665

Obsessing over what you regret won't get you anywhere.
— Steggy