Young Writers Society

How friggin' beautiful.

Heya, Lumi! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Alright, first thing I'd like to point out is this was an extremely good poem, but I guess I'll take a crack at what I didn't like about it, which isn't much. I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope that's okay. Anyway, to the review!

The first stanza-

I want to be a cosmonaut
and scatter
starlight into the hills
with abandon at dawn

I want to wake from dreams and say
I've lived sixteen lifetimes
with my eyes closed
and melted into silk
sheets

I want to open the bedroom window,
feel the morning chill on the arbor dew
look to you, and say--

--oh

Hi, this is Regime.

So, I really like this poem. I don’t review poetry often, but I’ll try.

At first, I get that you used the word ‘cosmonaut’ for someone who explores the cosmos, but then I looked it up, and the internet says it’s a Russian astronaut. XD But I totally get it, and no one really needs to know what it means because you give your meaning through the context. Because you use the phrase ‘with abandon at dawn’, I think it requires a bit more thought. Do you intend for this to have multiple meanings, as an opinion of the reader? If it’s meant to have a singular meaning, restructuring would suffice.

I do like the second stanza, but it leaves me with a question: from where does the sixteen lives part come? I liked the last few lines, which paint pictures quite nicely. (sounds very poetic, of course)

I like how the ‘oh’ can be interpreted differently by people, simply because the third stanza really shows a picture, and in a way, a reaction. While the beginning I mentioned earlier was broad, this part just seems meant to be that way. An ending open to interpretation is certainly an interesting topic for a fabulous poem.

-Regime

mmmmyes i really like this *absorbs inspiration and bottles up for later*

ooh the wording here gives me the shivers. How many drafts did you go through.

I love this poem.

This is Kaos here for a review!

I didn't know the word cosmonaut existed or anything of that sort, but the context that you use it in is interesting. It seems to be kind of like an astronaut but I wasn't quite sure? I'm taking it as someone who explores the cosmos, and with that I kind of wanted more about that. I may be thinking of the word too much or overthinking the usage.

Scattering starlight into the hills is a pretty image but I don't think the last line in that stanza had as much emotional impact as it could have with abandoning it at dawn. The usage of white space is great there, but the wording with "with abandon" kind of got to me and felt a little awkward and maybe something like "abandoning it" would work better? Just some thoughts on the wording.

The second stanza here is something that is very of my taste in poetry with melting into silk sheets and I really love the dead-of-morning-sunlight-shining-through-the-thin-curtains feel that is imbued into the poem. The first few lines here are something that I was iffy on with the wording at least? I kind of wanted expansion on the living 16 lifetimes and I think building that into reincarnation is something that could/possibly be considered. The last three lines really hit hard though and the usage of spacing works wonderfully here.

The last stanza is probably the best in terms of interpretation and the many things that it could stand for. I like the "I want" repetition at the beginning that ran throughout the poem though I do think that an "I need" somewhere in the poem would be an interesting contrast. There were a lot of thoughts when chat had the conversation about this poem and I think that all of them can apply, like the speaker being in a dream or the person having left, everything of that sort. The disillusionment of what the "oh" really means or stands for adds a lot of layers to the poem, and I think that's its strongest point.

I hope I helped and have a great day!