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139,823 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
hi im here ily
i'm so glad you saw this ily %u2665
Hey, Lumi!
I'm sorta here upon request to review! Let's get to it!
Now, the first thing I would have to say I noticed was the first line.
To me this doesn't make sense. Why the,"rash," and how does it pertain to the rest of the poem? To me this seems like a love/loss poem- and I think something more of an open wound works over a rash- considering love pours out. It's not steady, it's not quick, it's not kind. A rash, on the other hand, doesn't always itch. Doesn't always spread. Doesn't always grow. But that's just analogy- not something I can actually say is,"wrong," with the line- just a different perspective.
The other thing I have to say is the switching of imagery. It starts off as a rash- then switches to ocean and coral. Where's the connection? Where's the adding them together?
Now, in the first stanza, as I stated just before this, it goes from,"rash," to the ocean and such. Then, in the second stanza, it goes straight with the latter imagery. The connection seems off.
The other thing I noticed was the,"stale," part of the first line. It doesn't work with rash. A rash doesn't get,"stale," but it's not really fresh, either. It's just something that's there. Something to think about would be either changing rash, or stale if you want to keep this imagery(which I don't recommend." Something.. More of,"It doesn't fade," or something like that. Because,"stale," would infer it's noticeable. But in emotion, if it's love we're talking about, even when you don't see it- it's there. Even if you don't care. Sometimes it's dull and throbs- other times it's constantly pouring out in a large amount. Which brings me back to the point of an open wound, or bruise, or something of the like.
The other thing that doesn't make sense is in the last stanza.
This doesn't make sense because of the line-
Now, if I'm not mistaken the sea floor is extremely dark, and you can't see without light. And this would be perfect imagery if you were saying he is your light- but that's obviously not the case here. When you say it's,"too much," this becomes obvious.
I guess that's all I have, for now, I may take a second look and get back to you through PM.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend and prodigy- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
This is Kaos here for a review!
The first stanza here didn't really make sense to me and needed more clarity. It also didn't really relate to the rest of the poem, other than the line about the shore. From what I get from it or understand is that the "rash" is a metaphor for something that spreads and you can't get away from. The imagery of the rash needed to be more developed instead of already ending a line after it happened. Tell us how it looks, how it spreads, how it feels on your skin. I thought that "stale" was an interesting word to describe a rash, though I imagine a rash fading away rather than going stale. If you do decide to keep the wording of it being stale, that's fine, but that could also go into elaboration of the details.
This is a bit of logic, but I didn't understand what walking away from the shore or being buried in blankets has to do with getting rid of a rash. I could imagine being near or in the ocean could cause rashes or maybe it was just metaphorical and not literal? I also didn't really know how covering yourself in blankets helps a rash, because it sounds like it makes it worse, unless that's what you were going for. If it was, it's a little hard to catch and it's sort of unclear.
The second stanza in the poem had a rather weak start. This could be caused by the wording in the first two lines here feel kind of boring and could be said in a better way than what you have here. The first two lines and the last two lines don't mix for me because they're about two completely different things. One is about people liking to understand each other, and the other is about walking on the sea floor.
If you could somehow make them more connected, maybe by replacing the first two lines with a better fit of what you want to get across. To connect it to the rest of the stanza you could use the metaphor of possibly Sirens or connecting it to the ocean with something like "with fish gills" attached to it, then some imagery about them. Overall, the two things really do feel like different thoughts and I think you could break them apart into two separate stanzas for this.
The in between of the second and third stanza was weak. It didn't really make sense, sharks were circling, and the speaker said, "you b r e a t h". What confused me is why you chose to space out the word "breath" when it would have been fine without it other than being a tiny trick to make the lines look longer or more interesting than they really are. The cut off of "in morse code for" didn't appeal to me, but I am interested in why you chose to do this.
The last stanza felt a bit more generic but it was the best at getting the point across. I suggest sort of expanding on the idea you have in the last stanza rather than this feeling so separate from the rest of the poem. It didn't really connect for me, though you did have other lines about language and understanding people, but I think that kind of got drowned out by the other things that you had here. They didn't really connect for me, the last stanza especially only subtly connects by the use of talking about language. If the morse code and the speaking the same language was more apparent I think the poem would be better.
Overall thought a lot of this could be burned and rewritten with the same thoughts but in different wording and stronger lines. The idea for the ending worked, just the last two lines kind of cancelled out the first two lines, which I considered to be the better of the four.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Lums,
I love the twinge and vulnerability presented in the voice, especially that final stanza, where the effect is so small and poignant. The italics were stylistically such an excellent choice for these lines, I imagine the kind of undulating movement of the waves. Ugh. <3 it is a beautiful piece.
There are individual shards and pieces here that I am wondering how these pieces are connecting together towards the big picture. The breathing lines tie and transition so well with the stanza before it, the inability to communicate but still the sharing of history and culture and language and the presentation here of the ocean imagery is so on point, but I struggle to see how these sharks are connecting with your last stanza.
Rather, I see your last stanza connect with the idea in stanza 1, the "is too much here" and the never-going-away pain and lost is perfectly mirrored back to your first lines, but the jump from sharks to consonants seems fleeting, perhaps I am missing a step?
Rash is another example, I feel it acting broad in this piece. What kind rash, jellyfish sting to tie in with the motif? Diaper rashes, Poison ivy ? Coral scrapes, or maybe heart palpitations floating up to the skin in itchy flakes and ridges(and so a metaphor for the wounds of the heart or emotional aches?) Further development or specificity may help a bit here to pull us out of the forest and look at some of your trees, I find the rash an important piece of the poem but I am not quite sure what aspect it is that I am looking at, other than the freshness of it. But even as we have some wound that cannot dissipate, it helps to give context as to where it comes from to root us into the emotions which so strongly reverberate throughout the rest of the poem.
That colonized line by the way hits me in the gut every read. Fabulous!
Anyway, hopes this helps. I feel my rustiness is showing, but I am always more than happy to chat this up.
~ as always, Audy
good god you are in my mind so strong it's wonderful. %u2665
alternate versions that had other flaws had sting/fever/ache/even garrote that felt too visceral on line one
the blankets were a tie-in to the fever originally but i kept them because the safety imagery carries over i think, but not as much as intended, maybe? i deffo need more time with it.
the sharks were a toss-up for chummed waters, throwing a metaphor that any water a wounded person walks through from then on is already chummed and baited, but it needs to be bolstered or maybe salvaged into a different piece where it can take on a more visceral form because the idea itself i love, but the execution here isn't its prime form.
thank you so much <3