Scarlet dawn
Pulsing,
Red,
Swollen.
Rotting petals of a
Cherry tree
No longer in bloom
Once pretty
Now scarred and
Grey.
-- -- --
Crimson cuts
Leaking a dark
Wine,
Vital to our being
Crowds of bodies
Piled on beds
Hands at their throats,
Praying
Losing the fight
The battle against
Themselves
-- -- --
Against their lovers
Their friends
Their families
The war on conflict.
Scabs that never healed
Arrows never taken out
Ribbons never cut
Sins never forgiven
They are unemptied baskets.
-- -- --
Ruby flames
Licking at amputated
Emotions
Wounds that no longer hurt yet
Somehow they cause harm
We are all of us slaves to the
God of cracked hearts
We are cattle being herded
Into madness
Into closets we will not ever
Come out of.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Halo RavenLord I am here to Reveiw your work, first I like the tittle, second this is a good lenth,
1 Scarlet dawn, well I feel like this not riming with the next line, I no that it is quit herd to make the holthing rime, but pleas trie a bit horder with the first and second line,
3 Pulsing, as I just sayed, the top line and the second do not rime very well,
Red, I like this for some reasen it reminds me of blood and death you no, but it still does not rime very well,
4 Crimson cuts, okay so see I just adid that komer there so, I think that it needs it there,
5 Leaking a dark, okay now I am going to sagest something, to make this rime better, you do not have to take my ad vise at all,
Leaking a dark war
Wine, tell me what you think pleas,
Lines that I liked most,
We are cattle being herded
Into madness,
Into closets we will not ever
Come out of. so I hop this was help fill to you, also you are free to ask some questions,
@MoonFlower out to the Moon and the Flowers, to get to you all,
Hi, Moon. Thank you for your review! In response to your suggestions on rhyming, not all poems are meant to rhyme. This was one of them. I simply meant to convey a deeper meaning through imagery and metaphors. Also, lack of punctuation is very common in poetry. I chose to leave out certain commas because I felt it added a darker, more impactful aspect to the poem.
Hope this explained some things!
Also,
I especially liked the imagery and the words you chose. What really captured my attention was your first stanza. At first glance I actually thought it seemed unrelated to the rest of your poem (which I interpreted to be about suffering and war victims? I'm not sure, was this what you meant for?) as it seemed kind of like random words and phrases. After a second read, though, I got another impression, which seems that you were trying to describe a dying heart? I got this from the 'pulsing', so I'm not sure if you meant for this interpretation? I feel like the dying cherry flowers could also do for a really good metaphor for a heart too, so kudos to you!
Oh, and this is just an opinion, I don't really know, but would it emphasis the 'red' if you expanded on the representation of red in this poem, by perhaps, say, also writing about the "smell" of red? But like I said, this is just a suggestion, because I'm not sure if you are focusing on the concept, visual, of red, or red as a whole,so...
Overall I feel that this was a great piece, in terms of the metaphors and the dark vibe it sets even from the first few lines, so good job!
These are all excellent questions! This is actually a draft of a poem for my creative writing camp, so I wasn't exactly sure where I was going with that first stanza. I borrowed words from another poem titled "Red Blues" by Natalie Diaz to make it and that's what I got. Glad you like the imagery!
Really loved this! May I ask if there's a reason you chose that title, or was it just random? Because it seems like there's a story behind it?
I just took the first words of the stanzas. My original title was Red, but I didn't think it was an impactful enough title. Thank you for your kind words!
Ah, ok then, I just really like the title and how it kind of described your poem!
Thanks! Glad it worked out well.