Young Writers Society

Hi raven I am writing this review becuase I was caught by your title but when I got to the second stanza I was shocked and disgusted by the lanauage you used , I get that you r trying to raise awareness for pride and becuase I am bi I see what you are comming from but your lanauge was appalinng and I will be reporting this as if any onne who is homophobic sees this then they might think its ok.


sorry its was good


jess

Hi, Raven! I don't think that I've talked to you in a little while, but I'm here to review your piece for review day! I can come off as a little blunt or awkward, so be warned of that. You do not have to take my suggestions whatsoever if you don't think that they make sense.

Okay, so I read through your poem, and while I understand that the slurs are meant to be inspiring and to reclaim them, they come off as homophobic. As someone who is called these almost every single day, it is highkey triggering. When you mentioned slurs in the summary, I thought that you meant "oh, this homophobic person said these but we're standing up to them". I don't want to be the person to say this to you, but these are serious slurs that one can't just reclaim. Sure, some people in the LGBT community have stolen those words, but the majority? Not so much (other than queer, of course). So be careful when posting works like this, especially in a place with a high queer population such as YWS.

I like the use of "praise" in the poem, and I think that the repeated word works well for a piece like this. You don't use it too much or too little as in a mistake, but just right. Good job!

Some of your word choices, other than "praise", of course, were repeated but weren't used in any other context, making them seem like a mistake. For example, in the second stanza, the word "wrapped" was used twice within three lines. What I would do to counter this is to read your poem out loud. This would also help with the next tip:

Your wording can get a little awkward sometimes (I only didn't say "some of your wording" because that's repetitive from the last paragraph, oof), like in the first stanza with "Praise the woman/I will one day hold in my arms". It's a little awkward reading it in my head since the word "that" is required in between those two lines to make it flow better. Like I said before, read your poem out loud - it'll clear up any awkwardness. (Additional tip: if you think that it could seem awkward, it is. Make it flow more even if you're not sure).

The use of "motherf*ckers" in your poem was done well. You're calling out the straight, cis politicians in Congress that sign these laws against gay people in the most perfect way. So what if it's strong wording? It's the correct wording, in this instance.

That is all I have for this review! Stay strong! Auf Wiedersehen!

~~zami.

Hi! I apologize in advance if I get too long-winded or, well, emotional throughout this review. I'll try to stay as objective as I possibly can, but I make no promises. I'm also not all that active on the poetry side of things, so you can take everything I say with a grain of salt if you so please.

So, to start out, you open up with the lines, "Spirit of Love,

Praise the woman

I will one day hold in my arms.

Praise the flag I fly

From our pole with proud defiance.

Praise the people

That died to get us this far,

And praise the people

That will die to get us further."

Here you make it clear what your stance is on this issue, and you put such force behind your words that no one could mistake you for anything less than absolutely passionate and determined to get your point across, to be heard.

The word that comes to mind when I think about this poem is powerful.

Throughout the piece, you don't really subscribe to a solid rhyme scheme or any such flowery tropes that poets so often use as tools in their pursuits. While that is something that stood out to me a bit -mostly because I'm so used to using one almost religiously every time I randomly decide to write a poem at three in the morning because my brain said that's what we're doing now- I don't think you needed one. On the contrary, actually, I think this poem is so much stronger without it. There's just something about flowery language and flowing sentences, tied together with perfect rhymes at the end of every line, that makes the message seem softer.

This, here, in this poem, is not a soft message.

And that's perfect.

(That isn't to say you couldn't have made one work, just that your words are incredibly powerful without it. In essence, that it's unnecessary)

Anyway, wonderful job! Touching a bit on my personal connection to this piece (you know, like I said I wouldn't), this was really touching to me personally. I'm a really...blunt person. Especially when I don't have the friendly little filter of a keyboard and screen to make me think about what I say before I hit 'send', which is kinda how I came out to my mom February of last year...mid-argument. Haha...it didn't go well. There might have been tears, and not the 'I'm so proud of you for figuring out who you are and having the courage to tell me' kind. More the 'Why couldn't my daughter just be exactly what I want her to be' kind. (Salty? Who, me? No way).

What I'm trying to say here is, this piece of yours really resonated with exactly the kind of thing that I WANT to say all the time, but can't because I'd also like to not make my already strained relationship with my family worse before I have a 'safety net' to fall back on if something goes horribly wrong. So...thanks, I guess. Sorry, my ability to human kinda goes away when this topic enters the forefront of my mind.

Setting all that nonsense aside, the poem is really good. You have a powerful message and a strong voice that's conveyed really well through the rhythm and language of this piece. Well done.

So that's all I got for ya, goodbye, happy review day, and keep writing!

This was so inspiring! Thank you for writing this beautiful poem.