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Things back home weren’t so good. I called Derek from a payphone outside of Flagstaff, Arizona. Jess is reminding people that I exist, hanging up flyers of my freshman yearbook picture, even having the local dairy provider have my picture placed on the cartons of milk that are sold to all Hawthorne’s grocery markets.
Derek said, “If I was sentimental I would have cut your missing person’s picture out of the milk carton and saved it as a souvenir.”
I laughed and said, “So you saved it then is what you’re trying to say,”
“Of course, I did. How many times does your best friend go on the run with a fugitive?”
I could here his muffled chanting, probably with his hand over the receiver, but intentionally loud enough for me to make out every word. He kept repeating, “Please god let her say this is the last time.”
“You know I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”
My bottom lip touched the payphone’s receiver and I wondered if it was safe enough to sanitize your lips. I was pretty sure they had one of those “if ingested call poison control” warnings on the back label, though.
I asked him what the milk carton said. “It said that if you have any information concerning this missing person, Anna Calloway, call-and you know the rest. I bet your brother is having all the calls forwarded to his personal cell phone.He's really worried, like maybe a couple of days away from having a nervous breakdown.”
Yeah, I’m too pissed to be touched that he cares that I’m in some kind of hypothetical danger. Well, real danger since my mother's killer is still out there. Jess is going to wreck havoc on my life mission to go unnoticed before I can escape from the insane asylum that is Hawthorne. I bet my poor brother is pretty surprised when girls I grew up with go, “Huh, who’s Anna?” Queue Jess pulling out a picture of freshman me, the girl everybody knew. “Oh, Anna! Whatever happened to her?” says the girl that is presently in almost everyone of my six classes.
I kind of felt like I was interrogating Derek with my parade of questions, but I needed to know what Jess was doing about Matt. “He has flyers up for Matt too, you know, except they have the classic “WANTED” printed underneath his photo. I think I’m the only one that saw this coming years ago. Oh, there’s also an update on his whereabouts in the local newspaper’s new issues.”
“And? What are they saying his whereabouts are?” I regretted the impatient tone. Derek doesn't have to assist a runaway and a fugitive that it would probably be bliss for him to see rot in jail.
“They caught up with you guys in ever city you stopped in for more than a couple of hours, but just a little too late. You guys were already gone by then.”
I saw Matt's car pull around the bend and it looked like he had fast food bags. I couldn't see him that well from here, but I'm pretty sure he had pretty good size glob of ketchup on his chin.
“That’s good. Listen, I’ve got to go and thanks for the info." Derek told me to tell Matt to scratch off one of his license plate numbers and then muttered "I can't believe I'm giving tips to that jackass." We exchanged byes and hung up.
I walked out to the street where Matt parked the car. "Hey, you're just getting off the phone? You and Derek talk like a bunch of girls."
I flipped him the bird and said, “Move your ass, Hanson. Derek told me that law enforcement is following our breadcrumbs all the way to the west coast.” He rolled his eyes then put his car in reverse so he could back out and we could find the nearest highway entrance.
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138,265 Literary Works • 672,093 Reviews
Hi LizzieCast,
Mailice here with a short review!
And another new mystery to unravel. I'm honestly not sure what makes this story so special, but there's something about it that makes you want to read it, like you could jump in.
Let's start by saying that compared to my previous review, I really like that we have more of a direct focus on the dialogue here, and thus get more insight into the characters. I think this gives a good impression in general, and makes the whole work in a better perspective. As I'm still a bit ignorant of the reason why this was written (i.e. from the writer's point of view), I think a lot of things are still going on between the lines, so as a reader you only find out a bit more about it little by little.
You've done that well. One thing that caught my eye a little bit at the beginning is this:
The dialogue here seems a bit flat, but that's mainly because of the structure you started with. The "Derek said" or the "I laughed and said" could be rewritten a bit and maybe even use synomyms, like "to reply" etc.... That would give this a bit more of a direct structure for the continuation.
In general, I like this, and continue to be puzzled in what sense the numbering helps to see this as a body of work.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Really interesting, it grabbed my attention quickly in the first paragraph. However, I found a few little mistakes:
1. 'Jess is reminding people that I exist, hanging up flyers of my freshman yearbook picture, even having the local dairy provider have my picture placed on the cartons of milk that are sold to all Hawthorne’s grocery markets.'
^Either you meant to change tense here, in which case it should have had a paragraph or you didn't mean to, in which case you just need to repair the errors.
2. 'I could here his muffled chanting'
This should be hear
3. 'Jess is going to wreck havoc'
I believe that should be wreak
And that was all I could find. It would of been nice if you used adverbs or other styles of speech than just 'said', like 'whispered' or something. Aside from that, this was a very nice short story, it was clear and full (as much as a short story can be) of drama and empathy. Very well done!
If you'd like any more reviews, PM me.
DNX