Secrets can be overwhelming. To keep, to protect and to hide. When I discover the kind that can knock you off your feet my world feels like its in slow motion as if to give me time to process what I've discovered. Sometimes I find out secrets simply by sitting in the ally behind Ed's Deli and smoking a cigarette from the Camel pack I stole from my dad, like when I saw Emma Saunders getting hit by her long-time boyfriend, Scott Younders, our high schools up and coming tennis player.
When I was in the middle of the chaos that comes with being popular my freshman year, I was a secret-keeper, someone people trusted with their secrets and didn't have to worry about it being tomorrow's gossip. When someone would tell me something particularly shocking even their words seemed to slow down, like someone enunciating when they're trying to teach a toddler a new word. That's how I felt now except I wasn't listening to his explanation. I just kept staring at the computer screen behind him at the familiar email address wondering why the hell Matt was talking to Lexie Delaney.
I liked Lexie. She was a friend of my best friend, Derek's, one of our fellow misfits. She didn't need a leech like Matt in her life. He sucks the life out of you and then moves on to the next best thing. Lex might come off tough because when people look at her all they see is black, black hair, black clothes, black nail polish and then there's her favorite accessory, a spiked dog collar usually complemented by a pair of gauges. That's just it though, that's all people see. I see a girl who wants attention, craves it even and who is also one of the sweetest person I've ever met. Matt will walk all over her, like she's the ratty old doormat in front of his house that hasn't been replaced for more than ten years.
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hello there! I know this piece is old, but today is review day, which is synonymous for your lucky day! Allow me to give you a second opinion here.
First off, some of your sentences could really be broken down into smaller pieces. Like this one.
I don't know if my brain is being stupid or what, but I can't seem to find a link between listening for gossip behind a deli and a girl getting hit by her boyfriend. You could probably split this part into two sentences without too much trouble. I'd also suggest making the link between the two new sentences a bit clearer. You might also be doing yourself a favor if you read this piece out loud to catch long winded sentences such as this one.
I didn't find any other major technical issues, so on with the actual content. I think your writing style has established a good tone for this piece, and mentioning offhand details without focusing on them too much really adds atmosphere. I also like how your narration (for the most part) moves from one topic to the next and showing how they connect. Talking about secrets, how secrets relate to the character's everyday life, how that relates to her immediate situation, and so on and so forth. This made for a very smooth and natural read for me.
I also like how your viewpoint character went on a whole tangent about why this Lex character would be talking to Matt. You've shown us a suspicious character and how she applies her suspicion to her life. A very good thing when it comes to establishing personalities.
Though I have to agree with MadameLux on the ending part of this piece. The whole "it wasn't an accident. It was murder!" is a very cliche idea. But just because it's cliche doesn't mean it's bad, and I didn't particularly mind it in this story. After all, in the hands of a capable writer even the most cliche ideas can be great, and I think you'll be able to pull something like that off.
All in all I enjoyed this piece because I felt like it was a smooth read and the little details you mentioned added to the atmosphere. You need to work on splitting up some of your sentences, but you can easily catch the problem spots by reading out loud.
Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.
--Dover
Hi there! I'm Luxe and I'm going to give you a review today
That was cool. Throughout the piece there were a couple of grammar errors, mostly involving commas. I would recommend taking a look over the whole piece and fixing them.
First off, I like the premise of your story. It's a good idea and it starts off strong with a nice little blurb about secrets and you give some good comparisons. I especially liked the one about stealing the cigarettes from her dad. One tiny suggestion would be to split it up into more paragraphs. It seems to be really run-ony at this point (if that makes any sense). I think it would be a whole lot clearer and would flow better if you made some more paragraphs up there.
The description of Lex should be its own paragraph as well. She seems to be important enough to get that.
Lastly, towards the end this started to feel a little confusing and a little cliche. Accident wasn't an accident, it was murder, and so on and so forth. It's also confusing that you went on to mention Anna's mother's death towards the end when it seems to be something huge to the story. I did enjoy the allusion to Sherlock Holmes
Anyways, that's all I've got for you. Keep up the good work and consider expanding. I get the feeling you plan to, but just to give you a little extra encouragement.
Best of luck,
Luxe