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Young Writers Society



Secret #17

by LizzieCast


Read More At http://www.teenageloner.moonfruit.com/

I never would have thought that Matt and Lex would make such a formidable team. They were polar opposites. Lex is one of those anti-government radicals that are convinced that every politician is either corrupt or has some dirty little secret they’re hiding from the public, usually under a happy family man pretense. She’s either lived in Hawthorne so long that an overwhelming amount of suspicion seeped into her brain or she’s rebelling against her father, who was a state senator indicted for accepting bribes.

Matt’s life goal is to become a politician, working his way up to a Maryland representative, just like his great grandfather. He certainly is ambitious and power thirsty enough to get there too. Lex has the adamant belief that having too much power goes to your head and in Matt’s case, she’s right. Just winning the presidential election at school inflated his ego, which was already considerably big. He talked the secretary into giving him a pad of blank slips saying he might need to pull student council members out of class in case of an emergency meeting. His spiel was obvious bullshit, but I guess the secretary choose to feign ignorance because she handed them over. Let’s face it; she was putty in his hands, especially after he flashed her his Crest commercial worthy smile. I’d witnessed it all from my chair at the far end of the office. He didn’t seem to notice me. This was when he opted for pretending I didn’t exist. Being stuck in a car with him for four days made me wish he never stopped.
He used his slips for two purposes: pulling his girlfriend of the week out of class so they could make out in the maintenance closet and pulling Lex out of class when they needed to discuss their “investigation”. His words, not mine. He also claimed that he was with Lex at the time of the murders.
“Matt, I saw you with those girls right before they died. How do you explain that?”
He looked so guilty that I figured I caught him in a lie. I figured wrong. “Anna, I ditched them to catch up with Lex. It’s my fault all three of them are dead. If I never would have left them alone they would be alive right now.”
“Three?” I asked, my voice sounding hollow. There were only supposed to be two murders as far as anyone knew, or at least as far as the police knew, apparently. He gave me a sideway glance from the driver’s seat before turning his attention back to rode.
“Didn’t I tell you? The real murderer has been leaving me little presents. His last one was a note that gave a detailed description of how he murdered Delilah, this girl I was seeing.” He briefly described the note, his facing turning green when he told me the note said that the murderer broke every major bone in the poor girl's body with the blunt end of a hammer.
“Why didn't you tell the police?”
“That’s exactly what he wanted me to do. If I told the police I’d be hanging the rope for my own execution. I guess he figured I’d be stupid enough to do that and it would be like an insurance policy that I’d be found guilty and would be out of the way. Lex and I were so close to solving the case before my girlfriends started turning up dead. He’s trying to set me up.” Normally, I would have snickered when he said case, but talking about murders knocked the sarcasm and humor right out of me.
“Well, I’m in.” I declared.
Matt refused to take his eyes off the road, but I still saw them widen in surprise. “What?” he asked.
“I want to help solve the case.” I air-quoted case, but my heart wasn’t in it. I just wanted to help prove the guy I still loved innocence and put the bastard responsible for my mom’s death and framing Matt behind bars. It had to be the same guy, didn’t it?
Matt looked like there was an internal conflict going on inside his head, but he finally agreed to let me help. Probably because he was afraid I’d try to find my mother’s killer on my own, which was exactly my plan if he had said no.


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1232 Reviews


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Sat Feb 12, 2022 3:50 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi LizzieCast,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I came across the name of the short story and was puzzled as to what you were trying to express, so I read it through and it seems like a kind of diary entry or just a short narrative from life.

In terms of format, I think you're teasing us a lot and I think that's one of the big positive points you're presenting here. It seems like a kind of excerpt where you give a short description and then describe further. I like that. There's just this one thing that I noticed where I don't like the transition:

She’s either lived in Hawthorne so long that an overwhelming amount of suspicion seeped into her brain or she’s rebelling against her father, who was a state senator indicted for accepting bribes.

Matt’s life goal is to become a politician, working his way up to a Maryland representative,

I think you've moved from one section to another quite quickly here, without creating a direct transition. I think it helps to just reformat the sentence a bit so that it flows a bit better.

I like how the whole narrative reads like a real fact, which helps immensely to visualise some things more clearly. That's why I felt like you were creating a kind of entry here.

The structure and reading flow are interesting and easy to understand, which I like very much and think that this can also help beginners to find their way around here, because all the secrets are listed differently here.

In general, I think you create an interesting excerpt here where I don't think anything is missing or something comes up short. It seems like a kind of short teasing for the reader to read on.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Points: 12193
Reviews: 275

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Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:22 am
Calligraphy wrote a review...



Hi Lizzie. This story seems to jump right into the action, but this doesn't look like the start of the story because it is 'secret 17'. Are the 'secrets' like short chapters orr..? It looks like you don't have the first secret on YWS is it on your blog?

Anyway, I thought this was an interesting story. Your characters seem very real, and that is a good thing. But sometimes I felt like you weren't giving enough time to develop you characters. For example, telling us about her mom passing away right away is a big step. Juicy details like that at an end of a chapter a good to keep a reader interested, but at the same time, hinting at her having an ulterior motive would have been enough. That way we can figure out why she was so interested later in the story. That keeps the mystery aspect in the spotlight.

Besides that, you don't have any really big problems. You did have some issues with tenses. Sometimes you were in he past and in others you were in present. A reread over would fix that.

Then I have a nitpick for the second to last paragraph. You wrote, "I just wanted to help prove the guy I still loved innocence and put the bastard responsible for my mom’s death and framing Matt behind bars."

Do you mean, "I just wanted to help prove to the guy...?"

Thanks,

- Calli





"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi