New Day
Setting sunlight,
trapped in the eye of the past,
only to rise again on the new dawn.
Farewell
To golden, meaningful times
and to situations of the dark.
Time to greet
The new day
As it approaches.
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Well, I can say that you had tryed to make this more meaningful and interesting, and you had. But only with the words, but not with the lines or the rhyme. It doesn't flow well. Its disconnected and it doesn't have a rhyme. Sorry, if I sounded harsh here.
This last three lines were a bit dramatic and didn't go well with the rest of the poem. You might want to make the first and second line a single line and make a new line to end the poem.
Well, all I can say is that. But there were no mistakes and no spelling errors. Your only problem was that you haven't connected the lines. You'll have to fix them.
Good luck.
This is really lovely. I love "trapped in the eye of the past". It's really fresh.
I'm not sure that "setting" is quite right...I'd suggest "fading" as it soudns more natural, but I'd understand if you wanted to keep the sibilance...can you think of any other adjective beginning with "s" which you could use here? I think one with two syllabyls would work best...I'm sorry I can't think of anything myself at the minute...
"Situations of the dark" is also a lovely phrase.
I'd find another word for "meaningful" as I think this line could be stronger.
Finally, I'd change "approaches" to "descends" as I think it works better with the rhythm.
Other than that, this is a great piece, and I really enjoyed it.
I like the description and all, but the flow was a little choppy. Other than that it was fine.
Keep writing!!!
~Star
the lines don't go together very well for me, but it did have something to do with the title. I don't know what else to write about this piece of work...
Some nice images, but they were disconnected and seemed rather repetitious. I'd suggest reforming this, taking the better lines - e.g. "the eye of the past" and "golden, meaningful times" - into something more coherent and less cliche.
Cheers,
~bubbles